For several weeks now I have just tried not to talk to my husband accept when it is necessary. Whenever we try to communicate he just snaps back at me, get very irrated and she keeps on and on about things that just are not true. It gets to the point where I just try not to talk to him because of his anger, blame and he just goes on and on about me and how it's all my fault. I just can't take it.
Patricia
Dear Friend:
My heart goes out to you big time!! I have been dealing with my husbands anger, blame and accusations for a few years now and am ready to go through with a divorce. He thinks there is nothing wrong with him and it is I who is constantly, cheating , lying and giving him reasons to get angry. I do not know what to do or how to help someone who is in denial that there is a problem. The anger is escalating to getttng physical, like pushing, shoving grabbbing at me forcefully when I turn to leave the room. I am so exhausted from the emotional roller coaster that seems to be our life these days. I hope things imporove for you.
Best of Luck
Well, it is now January of 2010 and I think I posted that comment on October of 2007 and I can tell you that, "no" nothing has really changed. We never talk about his disease. He seems to be more mellow now than before but he just sits in the den all day long either reading the newspaper or watching t.v. He still goes to the grocery store but we don't do anything else. The only time we go out or do anything together is when we go over to our daughters. Now it has gotten where she has me over for the evening or overnight without him so I can have a break away. We usually go to Florida for the month of February but he doesn't want to go this year. I sort of thought after last year he would not want to go back but I am very disappointed. I don't know how I will be able to stay in the house with him day and night for over 2 months. I hate to go out in the cold but guess I will have to make myself. I sure don't know what to tell you except I try to stay in another part of the house and away from him. We eat dinner together and that is about it.
Hi Honeybab1,
I can see that it is difficult to be with an anger husband. It is true when he gets into late stage, nothing can help even if he wants a mate all the time. The mate or spouse just cannot cope. Often the spouse has to go to the kids' homes. Or the kids have to take up the responsibility to take care of the angry father. If they cannot cope, they would try the nursing home or assisted living for dementia also.
My father-in-law is a widower but he had dated a lady friend in 2004/2005. But as he got worse, the lady can no longer talk to him on the phone and when she comes to see him, she comes to see the caregivers or us, not him. She used to see him and care about him but now she cannot stand it and she even irritates him also as she cannot tolerate him and he cannot tolerate her corrections... She even commented to us that he really has nothing to live and maybe he should die (he wants to die at times too.)
I figured that they don't get along as she is outgoing and he is self-absorbed. But I agreed as he got sicker, he became unreasonable and has been a womanizer wanting any mate to marry him or go to bed with him as he is lonely.
So I understand your pain. You either stay away from him or divorce him and I don't blame you. Usually the children take up the responsibility to take care of the sick elder.
Good luck,
Nina
Patricia,
The thing to do is to ignore the anger. No reasoning at all. What we do with my FIL is to just cope with him by calming him down or saying white lies. He is so self-centered that we cannot say anything he does not like. We have to say what he likes to hear. If we cannot say anything he likes, we need to be quiet. But the truth we told him such as he has Alzheimer's or he cannot marry will really really piss him off and he will go crazy and try to be violent by beating around with his cane! He gets agitated if we don't follow his way. At times we lie to get him comply or we babytalk him to get him do the things like taking a shower or wash his hands after he goes to the toilet.
The other thing is, I think a spouse has a hard position emotionally. With this kind of patient, the caregivers may get hurt emotionally by his rude comments or talks and we ignore it as we know he is sick. But it is not easy. When he accused me what we wanted to kill him in the hospital, my husband forgave him and was able to deal with it. I was so shaken by that at the moment. We are human so we are bound to feel something. So sometimes I leave him alone and let the caregivers talk to him. Like his lady friend, I try not to talk to him either. At times he thinks of me or any lady as his potential mate and we just ignore it without flirting bakc with him.The caregiver even sits far away from him in case he talks nonsense and she may not be able to calm him down. But she is still responsible for caregiving.
I understand your difficulty. If you can find other people to help out, it would be a great release for you. You can still see him everyday unless you cannot take his abuse.
Good luck.
Nina
Oh he is still at home and is able to still do a lot of things. He comes to the table every night for dinner. Fixes his own breakfast and lunch. Takes care of getting the cars maintance. He still takes care of his personal hygiene and such. Sometimes he lets it go a little but overall he does o.k. He is still at home. The biggest thing is he doesn't really like to be social anymore, go anywhere unless it's to our children's home.
I forgot to ask, is he diagnosd with dementia at all? If not, maybe it is depression or something. Check with the doctor and find out.
I am glad he is still in early stage or has no dementia. Maybe it is depression. Ask his family doctor and they can give him some pills for depression or other problems.
Nina
My FIL tried namenda and exelon also in 2007 but he stopped taking them in Sept 2008 due to side effects. Now he only takes heart medications as he has a bad heart.
He was diagnosed with AD in 2006 but at that time he was in moderate stage although the doc. thought it was early stage (the doctor just made educated guess by 3 hour verbal test in the office.)
As times goes on, the patient with dementia will get worse. If he has Alzheimer's. he will get worse later. My FIL is progressive slowly but we still notice he forgot things bit by bit every year. e.g., he forgot his elder son in 2008 and sort of forgot my husband in 2009. However, this memory loss is not rigid - he forgot the details but has some impression that my husband is his son but he forgot our roles as caregivers who take care of his finances. He cannot walk without a cane starting late 2007. Yoi will see. When he gets to the late stage, you may need to consider the help of your children as you will feel more abuse and it will be more difficult to communicate.
Maybe you should plan on this one earlier before it is too late. Don't wait too long before you can seek for other options.
Good luck,
Nina
No, he has dementia alright! I was in denial for years and still am somewhat but he has it. He was diagnosed with MCI almost 5 years ago. He was put on 2 medications by his Neurologist at that time which helped slow it down. But more and more now I am seeing signs. The problem I am having now is his drinking. He drinks to the point of getting high/drunk almost every evening. I can't say a word to him about it. He complains alot about his stomach bothering him but there is nothing wrong. He had a complete workup this summer. He is in good health. He still drives, some yard work, and takes care of paying the bills. He really doesn't want to go anywhere anymore but otherwise he is doing o.k.
I am sorry that he drinks a lot. Looks like you have done well with him so far. People who drink a lot get into trouble being violent. Perhaps you can talk to the doctor about it. Maybe it makes him feel better to drink at night due to the depression from the MCI. Maybe he could use some depression medication, but it depends on the person. Looks like you are doing OK with him at home. It is not an easy task. Everyone is different, and I hope the doctor knows what to do with this drinking habit.
Take care,
Nina
His Doctor is well aware of his drinking. I use to upset me because he has drank to the point of being drunk and fell off the porch once. Now, I just figure that is his way of dealing with this disease and I don't say anything. He is and has been depressed for some time now. He is on medication for depression. I am beginning to notice more things now as I think the disease is progressing slowly.
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I am so sorry that you are having to go through this with your husband. I'd like to encourage you to find a network of people near you - friends, other family- who can help ease the pain you are going through.
One of our community members, A.A. Schutte, just posted a great blog with some steps for caregivers. It might help you to better deal with your husband. It's called You can't do it alone. You can also read Dorian Martin's post called Caregiving Decisions: Acting Out of Love, Not Fear.
Lastly, read this post from another community member, what about violent behavior?, which inlcudes advice from Dorian Martin on how to deal with violence.
Thanks for writing. I hope this helps.
MK