Caregiver of my mother-in-law

Dear Pam:

 

Thanks so much for your post and welcome to our community.  I'm a moderator for the site and though not medicaly trained I will try to help you find answers to questions and information that might help you and your family.

 

This can be a really difficult time for your loved one for sure, but for you as a caregiver.  If you can find a support group locally it would be a great help to you.  Check out our Caregiver Center for groups and tips to help keep you healthy.

 

You may also want to read about Dementia on our site. 

 

There are lots of folks on this site who can offer help and guidance and a shoulder.  Come back soon.

 

All the best, sue 

  

 

 

 

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Pam, is there any way to share the responsiblity among you and your sisters-in-law? Sounds like you have 3 ladies here and it is good. So you can work out some plan to take care of her in turns. Her sons should help too but maybe women are more sensitive with details. Essentially the decision lies with the sons. Take care! I also take care of my father-in-law from a long distance and I do all his finances. My hubby talks to him everyday on the phone and my FIL wants to talk to him everyday. The other son of his (my hubby's half brother) is in Poland and is too far (only call him on the weekends and has never seen him again for 40 years.)

Nina

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Is she still on aricept? My FIL has AD and when he first had aricept, he stopped eating. So we stopped the drug and now he is taking namenda and exelon. Check the drug and see if it is the cause.

Nina

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Hi Pam,

 

  My name is Karen and first let me say, you were not rambling.  There's a lot you are dealing with, and you needed to express it.

 

  What you are faced with is indeed a difficult situation. Unfortunately, a situation that's not going to get any better.  However, not only is physical support important i.e. help from your other siblings and family members. But talking with others in a support group who understand what your feeling and what you need.

 

   I am the primary caregiver for my mom who was diagnosed in 2003 with Alzheimer's disease.  There was no one I know of I could talk with about this.  So, I reached out to the Alzheimer's Association's Helpline, who put me in touch with a support group.  The wonderful people I've met have been a saving grace.

 

  If you're not able to physically make it to a support group, doing what you did by reaching out through your writing is another excellent way of "venting" sharing your feelings with others who've gone through and understand.  For people who haven't walked in either one of ours shoes, they have no clue as what we deal with on a day-to-day basis.

 

  Unfortunately, one of the sad things I've learned through this experience as too other caregivers is the since of abandonment from family and friends.  People you thought would be there in a time of need like this aren't.  For some reason, hearing about a person with Alzheimer's or another form of dementia makes some people uncomfortable.  So much so, that they pull away.  Being single and having no siblings or children, I just knew I'd have more support then what I have.  I was wrong. I was very angry with not just family but friends my mom and supported and there for them in their time of need.  And now when she needed them, they weren't there.

 

  I've since let go of that anger. The energy used on that negativity and channel in a more positive way and focus on my mom.  Giving her the love and attention she needs.  Thank God, My friends have been a great source of support for mom and me.

 

  In reading your message, there seemed to be so many similiarities between your experience and mines.  My mom also has diabetes...know all to well about checking her blood sugar twice a day.  In addition to, giving her the insulin injections.  Mom was no longer able to do this herself.  Living with my mom, made it a little easier to monitor and watch her behavior.

 

  Something you might want to look into is having your mom go to an adult day care center during the day to give you a break. Also good for her to socialize with others.  You can check with the Alzheimer's Association for information about adult day care on their website.  My mom was going to an adult day M-F, 9a-3:30p.  This helped me to do the things I needed to do....going to the supermarket, running errands, etc.  When my mom was first diagnosed, I was working full-time as a special events coordinator.  But as the disease progressed, I went from full-time, then part-time to not at all.  For the past year, I've been working as a freelance writer and public relations consultant.  This affords me the flexibility I need in caring out my responsibilities for mom.

 

   A week before Christmas, mom fell and fractured her left hip.  A pin was surgically placed in her hip.  Thank God, nothing as invasive as hip replacement.  However, the Alzheimer's made it difficult for the physical therapist to get her involved in the therapy exercises.  The progress was not good.  So, near time for my mom to be released from the hospital, I had to decide if my mom was coming home or would she be going to a nursing home.  As her sole caregiver, this decision was mine and mine's alone to make.  After much soul searching, crying and sleepless nights and many talks with God and made a decision that was in both our best interests.  My mom is now residing in a nursing home.  Not any easy decision at all for me to make.

 

  The past months have been an emotional roller coaster....a transition.  A transition I'm dealing with one day a time.  That's how you will have to approach your situation.  One day at a time.  There will be good days and bad day involved with the care of your mom.  In the end though, the most important thing is your love for that person.

 

   I wish I could tell you it's going to get better.  But I'd be misleading you, and I don't want to do that.  Just know you are not alone, anytime you need to get things off your chest...do what you did...write and we are here to respond.

 

   And, you have to take care of you....if you get sick or run down whose going to be there to do the work you're doing?  Have you ever flown on an airplane?  If yes, you know how the flight attendant tells everyone about putting on the parent putting on the oxygen mask first then once secured, but it on your child.  That's the analog for caregivers.  In order to care for our loved ones who need is, we have to first take care of ourselves to best take care of them. Something as simple as going to the movies with a girlfriend, having lunch with a friend once a month, spending sometime reading a book at Starbucks or your favorite cafe.  Or when the weather is warm sitting on a bench in the park watching people go by while eating a brown bag lunch or reading a magazine.  You get the idea....do something for Pam!

 

   Hope this helped...take care. 

 

 

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Hello Pam,

I send my prayers and best wishes for you and your mother-in-law.  Please don't let the hurtful things that people who have dementia say cause you mental and emotional pain.  I can relate because many years ago a relative of mine with vascular dementia said terrible things to me.  I did not realize at the time that the dementia was causing these words and I was devastated.  Now I know it was just due to chemical and physical changes in the brain, and the overwhelming frustration that can occur to those with dementia.  Sometime they verbally lash out at others, but now I know it is now what they would really mean or say.

Take care,

Kristi

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Sorry, I need to correct an error in the last line of my comment.  It should read "it is not what they would mean to say if they were not suffering from dementia."
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