Elizabeth

Elizabeth,

I remember when my father had horriable moods swings.  He believed that he could drive but would push the unlock button on his keys to try and open the garage door.  We worried so much on how we were going to stop him from driving.  He was not going to give up his truck.  He would hate anyone that tried to stop,  Thank goodness your husband was told  by the driving examiner and not you.   I assume your husband has dementia.   My dad begain to lose things and blame it on everyone else.  We even caught him on his riding scooter going down a main road to the store.  He lost all concept of safety.  There would be days that he was o.k. and would seem to understand what your were saying and why and he would even agree but shortly he would forget and get angry again.  It was like walking on egg shells.  I don't know what the answer is but just thought I would post  my experience so you would know that you are not alone.  I am now going through the same thing with my 87 year old mom.  I have her in assistant living and she seems to like it.  She had a stroke 10 years ago and it left her blind in one eye and at the time she had no dementia and gave up her licenses willingly.  Now that dementia is upon us we have another whole set of issuse that we are dealing with.  Hope this helps

Lesa

Hi Elizabeth!

Thank you for joining this site, and welcome to OurAlzheimer's.com!  I think you will find that there are a lot of caring and knowledgeable people here that can and will offer you guidance. 

This link might help you find a way to deal with your husband and his fight to keep his lisence: http://www.healthcentral.com/alzheimers/c/118/40200/driving-dementia

Please keep us posted on how you and your husband are doing!

Sofia

I hope the post on the meds helps you.  I thought about your last night and wanted you to know that your should stay in contact with the social worker, doctor and most important you need to find a good support group.  I promise you that  others are going through the same thing.  I read every post, every article that I can get my hands on.  Just wanted you to know that you can e-mail me anytime and I will be here.  I know this is hard because this disease is so frustrating.  I do the best that I can and I don't look back, I try and make the best decisions for my mom.  I have learned not to beat myself up.  No matter what you do, or how hard you try sometimes you just can't please them.  You just try and remain calm. I go for a walk, out on the porch, or sometimes just to the bathroom for a few minutes.  The hardest thing for me was not to take my  mom and dad's words at face value.  I had to develope a thick skin so to speak.  It's hard when the people that have been your biggest suppporters turn against you.  You just have to keep telling yourself it is the disease. Anyway here is my e-mail address if you want to write  LMyers 1020@aol.com.  I will keep you in my prayers.

Lesa

I hope the post on the meds helps you.  I thought about your last night and wanted you to know that your should stay in contact with the social worker, doctor and most important you need to find a good support group.  I promise you that  others are going through the same thing.  I read every post, every article that I can get my hands on.  Just wanted you to know that you can e-mail me anytime and I will be here.  I know this is hard because this disease is so frustrating.  I do the best that I can and I don't look back, I try and make the best decisions for my mom.  I have learned not to beat myself up.  No matter what you do, or how hard you try sometimes you just can't please them.  You just try and remain calm. I go for a walk, out on the porch, or sometimes just to the bathroom for a few minutes.  The hardest thing for me was not to take my  mom and dad's words at face value.  I had to develope a thick skin so to speak.  It's hard when the people that have been your biggest suppporters turn against you.  You just have to keep telling yourself it is the disease. Anyway here is my e-mail address if you want to write  LMyers 1020@aol.com.  I will keep you in my prayers.

Lesa

Hi Elizabeth

I am so sorry you are going thorugh this. Please stay on this site you will find many wonderful people and lots of great advise.

I really am not sure where to begin. You and I share much in common. I just lost my husband on the 19 th of Janurary after a very long battle with many disease's and then the devestation of alzheimer's. He had heart disease, high blood pressure and then 15 years ago lost both legs to PAD. My husband was a pilot in the army he had 20 years and 12 days in when he had his first heart attack that was his first blow. He loved flying and then lost that they have a problem with pilots with heart diasease. He was retired and then lost both legs. Again another blow that he accepted with a grace many do not have. He was so proud when he got his license to drive with hand controls. He had a standard pickup truck he loved and I had a SUV I loved. When he lost his legs I sold both our truck and SUV and bought a huge Van and had hand controls put on it. He was told he would have to learn to drive all over again but not my husband he got in that van and backed that huge thing right in the parking spot the first time. Many miles lots of trips and enjoying our grandchildren. He did really well for a while and then started getting very sick again back to the hospital and he was diagnosised with COPD and then congestive heart failure did that knock this man down no oxygen bottle in tow and off we are going again. It was very suttle the changes in him I kept complaining to his doctor he wasn't using his oxygen as faithfully as he should have. During one doctor vist about three years ago now I was again complaining he was having problems and begged his doctor to force him to get serious about using his oxygen I was so sure that was the probelm. With tears in her eyes our doctor told us it was not oxygen deprovation it was alzheimers. Talk about want to scream your lying this can't be true not with everything this man has already suffered and endured with such grace. We had the typical old fashioned marriage where he did everything paid the bills took care of all the important day to day things and now this doctor is saying he can no longer do any of these things. I lived in anger and denial for so long until I finally had to admit to myself and the world this wonderful man I love has changed and nothing will be the same again. He fought the fight long and hard to retain his independance and at every turn more was taken away. His pilot's license, his drivers license his ability to make rationial decisons and then I was thrust into a role I never wanted I was the one that now had to do it all. It hurt him terrribly. He blamed me for everything in the begenning.

I feel your pain and understand what you are feeling. No we are not the same nor are our husband but we share a common bond living with and loving our husbands that were once strong independant individuals trying so hard to hang onto their dignity. This is a very hard path you are facing. You can do this.

As I said my husband has lost his battle and is now at peace. If I can give you a little advise to help you through this journey you now face. Pick your battles. By that I mean try your best to help him retain his dignity for as long as you can. Start by easing into it. The first and most important thing is stop anything that he can do that would hurt himself or others. Don't sweat the small stuff. Put some positive action into place right now. Make sure he dosen't lose everything at once. You can help with his store by making sure you know what is going on. Yes he will fight it but you will find your way. Protect your finances! Just when you think he can't or won't do something wrong he will and can. Put passwords on accounts so he can't access them without your knowledge that way he still has some control but you also know what is going on financially. You may find it will simplify your life to give up our job and tell him you would like to spend more time with him that way you know what is going on. That's your call but be very careful it dosen't take very long to lose a life times worth of work and money. Trust me when I say this will be difficult but you can do it. Make a list of the most important things and work on them. Later you truly will treasure this time with him even when he gets angry. Walk out of the room and count to ten and do it until you can calmly go back and try to start making small changes.

Alzheimers is the worst disease. There are no hard fast rules no two people with it or their caregivers are the same. You will find your own way. It takes time but is so worth all the heart ache and effort you put into it. He will get angry who wouldn't they are taking everything from them. They are lost in their confused minds sometimes you have to look back when he is angry and ask your self what is he really trying to tell me. My husband was trying to tell me he was scared and didn't know how to deal with the jumble that had become his thoughts. He might say it's your fault I can't drive when actually he is saying I love you and I am scared.

I don't know how long you have been married but you know him better then anyone and you are the only one that will be able to figure this all out. Sadly no matter how many books you read there is no hard fast rules to the how's when's or what's you have to find your own path just don't give up. Stay on this site and talk and talk some more I promise it won't fix it but it really does help.

Still loving and missing my husband. Connie