My Brother In Law

By Mazie Friday, December 21, 2007

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My Brother In law takes care of his wife 24 hours a day. He insist this is part of his Marriage vows. I do not see how he is doing it but he does. She is my twin I have offered many times to help out but he says No He can handle it.She forgets when she eats and forgets what she does. She does not register. We told him would it not be easier putting her in a Nursing Home He claims He wants her at home.I admire my Brother-In-Law but I think he has a long road to go.

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Kristi Marie Gott

12/23/07 4:41pm

Dear Mazie,

I will be thinking some positive thoughts and prayers for you and your twin sister. Best wishes during the holidays. Take care,

Kristi Marie Gott

Sue

12/23/07 9:55pm

Hi Mazie - thanks so much for your post.

It sounds pretty frustrating that your brother-in-law wants to care for your sister all by himself. I bet that would be hard for you - we are talking about your sister - and your twin no less.

Maybe you can try things from another angle. Can you offer help to your bother-in-law by learning about various caregiver resources in his area? There are lots of groups out there that might help hi. you nad your sister.

You might also start a Caregiving Site for yourself - and make it a place where he and others in the family can turn to for information, updates, etc.

Stay strong - and remember everyone needs help sometimes. But its usually in their own way and in their own time.

All the best and Merry Christmas. SMM

AFA Social Services Team, Health Guide

12/27/07 10:30am

Dear Mazie,

I commend your desire to contribute to your sister's care and can only imagine the frustration you must feel when her husband blocks your efforts. Many caregivers prefer to care for their loved ones at home and have made vows and pledges to "never put you in a home." Don't despair -- there are other strategies that you can activate to bring more help for your sister.

One strategy would be to take baby steps. Rather than advocate for residential placement, offer one bit of help, then another. You could offer to sit with her while he goes out to do something he loves to do, giving him the much-deserved respite that all caregivers need.

You can also try to speed up your brother-in-law's awareness/acceptance process by sharing dementia care information with him. For example, you could offer him brief written material or lend him a video such as Your Time to Care that is designed for families caring for loved ones in the home setting.

Meanwhile, build up your own social network, including other family members, friends, and fellow support group participants. Your dementia-aware friends can give you needed support now and in the future -- when your brother-in-law becomes open to tangible help.

My Brother In Law

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