I noticed that there is a DaughterInLaw member with a space. Sorry If you see this let me know if you want me to change my name and I hope I did not steal yours. ;D
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I love my mother in law (she is a different person now but in my heart I do love her) she was a lifetime artist, loves nature, a great painter, a groupie, a clothing designer and much more but I am having major coping problems. I know she was not a great mother to my husband and I have delved into psychoanalysis which has in the short term exacerbated this whole cohabitation situation and my ability to love her while being, the maid, the fetch it person, the phone caller, the appointment maker, damage control ect. Sometimes now I just stare off into space and can do nothing (pity party for me.. sorry). I saw another share post that joked that ‘it is like I have the dementia' and there is much truth to that feeling for me.
If I do something downstairs (her area) she will announce out loud what I am doing. It is creepy sometimes. I could go into lots of detail but I will not out of respect for her. I am the one due to my issues, no dealing well today and she cannot be held accountable for any of her actions. Correct? She has dementia not Alzheimer's so I wanted to say I appreciate you all including me and letting me vent here. The resources for help seem slim to none in this down economy. And yes I have made 101 phone calls for support.
I am getting personal professional help but she is not my mother. In fact I lost mine to suicide at a really young age which makes it so hard for me to live with her and watch her inability to take on any project decrease every day. I am delving deeper than I want to into the philosophy as what we as humans are here to do.
The nervousness is worse too right now she is opening and closing the front door repeatedly. Earlier this morning I yelled at her for this and feel horrible. Is it really unintentional? Any caretakers or people dealing with a apathy have words of explanation or paths to peace?
I do not want to be selfish I just wish I had a loving mother example so I could be more cut out for this. It is a huge job. I know my anger and frustration is disturbing to her and my husband but I cannot help having feelings about the situation (door opens again). It is scary and lonely for all of us. For her the most I am sure.
I have tried to write her to do lists for tomorrow, tried to open up and spend time but as she gets withdrawn I get upset (esp. if I put forth a big effort to bond with her) and am honestly really heart broken for her and am not of any comfort to her today.
Oh wait ... I just opened her stop smoking lozenges. Maybe that is what she needed from me today and tomorrow is a new and easier day... I hope.
Thanks for letting me share, again.
First, Daugherinlaw, welcome! This site is called Our Alzheimer's, but we are about all dementias and even other caregiving issues.
You are doing the right thing by looking inward toward your motivations and your sad past, but that is hard work under the best of conditions, and you have very difficult conditions to deal with. You are actually doing double-time.
You are obviously checking out local resources. Yes, there are many to mention (your state Web site, under aging is a good place to start). But you've likely done what you can for now. As she gets worse, there will be other resources to try.
Spirituality gets many of us through. You have that in you, I can tell. My advice, other than to keep talking to people who understand (like those on this site), is to keep working on your inner spirit and know that you are not alone, even when you feel you are. If you can pray and give your frustrations over to a power greater than yourself, you will find some comfort. Warning. You will have to repeat that action many times a day!
Also know that your feelings are human and don't blame yourself. Guilt does no good. If you feel you acted inappropriately, try to do better next time. If you need to give yourself a "time out", find a way to do that.
Blessings,
Carol