Seeking advice

6/ 8/07 8:55am

I TO HAVE HAD THE SAME TYPE OF EXPERIENCES WITH MY ALZHEIMER'S HUSBAND. I HAD BEEN DRIVING FOR A FEW MONTHS AND HE RESENTED IT TERRIBLY. WE HAD MANY ARGUMENTS OVER IT. ONE DAY HE DECIDED TO TAKE OUR LITTLE TRUCK AND TAKE SOME GRASS CLIPPINGS TO THE STREET DEPARTMENT IN OUR LITTLE TOWN AND OF COURSE I COULD NOT TALK HIM OUT OF IT NOR DID HE WANT MY HELP.
TEN MINUTES AFTER HE LEFT, A POLICEMAN WAS AT MY DOOR TELLING ME THAT HE ALMOST HIT A MOTHER AND SON WALKING IN OUR NEIGHBORHOOD AND WANTED TO KNOW WHERE HE HAD GONE. I WAS A MESS. AS WE WERE TALKING, MY HUSBAND DROVE UP OUR DRIVEWAY. AFTER MUCH DISCUSSION WITH THE POLICEMAN ON WHY HE CANNOT DRIVE, WITH CUSSING, HOLLORING, AND TEARS FROM ME, THE POLICE ASK FOR HIS DRIVER'S LICENSE AND HIS KEYS. OUR DAUGHTER HAPPENED TO BE HERE, BUT I HAD TO GO OUTSIDE BECAUSE I JUST COULDN'T TAKE IT. OF COURSE MY HUSBAND WOULDN'T GIVE UP HIS KEYS, BUT DID GIVE HIS LICENSE TO THE POLICE. AFTER MUCH DISCUSSION AND ANGER, HE GAVE OUR DAUGHTER THE KEYS, STILL SO AGRESSIVE AND ANGRY. I HAD OUR DAUGHTER GIVE THE KEYS TO THE POLICE AS I DIDN'T WANT MY HUSBAND TO THINK SHE WOULD KEEP THEM. THE UPSHOT OF ALL OF THIS: THE POLICE HAD TO NOTIFY THE STATE OF WHAT HAPPENED, THE STATE SENT AN OFFICIAL LETTER SUSPENDING HIS LICENSE WITH THIRTY DAYS TO GIVE REASONS FOR AN APPEAL. WHICH I DID NOT DO. FORMALLY HE HAD NO LICENSE AND NO KEYS, BUT WAS SO ANGRY. IT WAS SUCH A DIFFICULT TIME AS THERE WAS NO PLACATING HIM. EVENTIALLY HE DID FIND A KEY TO OUR SUBURBAN BUT I DIDN'T KNOW UNTIL ONE DAY I CAME HOME FROM THE STORE AND IT HAD BEEN MOVED IN OUR DRIVEWAY. I DIDN'T CONFRONT HIM, JUST ASKED HIM TO HELP WITH THE GROCERIES. THEN I CASUALLY ASKED IF SOMEONE HAD MOVED OUR CAR. HE GOT A SMILE ON HIS FACE AND WAS PROUD OF THE FACT THAT HE HAD OUTWITTED US. I TOOK THE KEYS IN THE NIGHT. THAT IS ONE OF THE VERY HARDEST THINGS I HAD TO DO. IT WAS SUCH A STICKING POINT WITH HIM AND OF COURSE THERE WAS NO REASON FOR HIM NOT DRIVING AS "HE HAD BEEN DRIVING FOR SEVENTY FIVE YEARS"! THE POLICE HAD TO BE CALLED THREE WEEKS LATER AS HE WAS TAKING ALL HIS "WIFE'S" STUFF, DISPOSING OF IT IN GARBAGE BAGS, JEWELRY, CLOTHES, EVERYTHING IN OUR BEDROOM THAT WAS MINE. I HAD ALWAYS BEEN GOOD AT REDIRECTING CONVERSATION, BUT THIS TIME I COULD NOT DO SO AND I WAS SCARED. HE NO LONGER KNEW ME AS HIS WIFE. MY HUSBAND HAS BEEN IN A NURSING HOME A YEAR ON JULY 24. AND THAT IS ANOTHER STORY. THE DRIVING INCIDENCE WAS ALWAYS A NEVER ENDING BATTLE AND I DO HOPE SOMETHING IS DONE ABOUT YOUR HUSBAND'S DRIVING BEFORE SOMETHING TERRIBLE HAPPENS. GOOD LUCK TO YOU. AND KNOW YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
JOAN

Caregiverwife

6/ 8/07 7:30pm

Joan, I thank you for the reply and sharing your story. I can only imagine the turmoil. I know this is going to be a rough go. He is so stubborn, and of course I am the cause of his problem. He has been hard being caregiver. I feel scattered, I contantly second guess every decision I make.

Please keep me in your thoughts and I deeply appreciate your sharing your story.

Peace and blessing.

Caregiver

JOAN

6/ 8/07 11:02pm

I'M GLAD THAT I COULD PUT A DIFFERENT LIGHT ON YOUR SITUATION. BUT PLEASE DO NOT SECOND GUESS YOURSELF. WE DO WHAT WE HAVE TO DO AND WONDER IF IT IS RIGHT. I HAVE ACCEPTED, WITHOUT GUILT NOW, THAT THE DECISIONS I HAVE MADE HAD TO BE MADE. IT'S SO HARD ON US TO DO BUT WE MUST. I GAVE IT ALL TO GOD AND GOD GUIDED ME IN MY DECISIONS I KNOW. MY HUSBAND HAS FALLEN THREE TIMES IN THE LAST MONTH AND IS ALL SKINNED UP. I ASKED THE DIRECTOR OF THE ALZHEIMER'S UNIT TO LET THE DOCTOR KNOW THAT I WOULD LIKE A HOSPICE EVALUATION. HE WAS IN HOSPICE FOR A TIME WHEN HE COULDN'T EAT BY HIMSELF OR WALK. AND HE HAS WENT DOWN HILL THIS LAST MONTH. I DIDN'T THINK I HAD ANY CONTROL OVER WHAT HAPPENS AT FIRST. BUT THEN I FOUND OUT I AM THE ONE THAT HAS THE CONTROL OVER WHAT HAPPENS AND WHEN TO MY HUSBAND ON HIS CARE. AND THAT MAKES ME FEEL SO MUCH BETTER. HIS AGRESSIVENESS IS GONE NOW AND HE THINKS OF THE NURSING HOME AS "HIS PLACE." WHICH IS SUCH A BLESSING. BUT THIS NEW PROBLEM OF FALLING AND GARBLED TALKING MIGHT JUST BE "THE OTHER SHOE DROPPING" LIKE I HAVE BEEN FEARING. IT'S NEVER EASY AND SOME CRISIS IS ALWAYS COMING UP, JUST WHEN YOU THINK THINGS ARE BETTER. SO HANG IN THERE AND KNOW YOUR DECISIONS ARE SOUND BECAUSE YOU LOVE HIM AND WANT ONLY TO PROTECT HIM.

Caregiverwife

6/ 9/07 11:18pm

Thank you Joan for your reply, I feel so sad for my husband. I fear he will go into a shell and just give up. Thanks for sharing your story in this journey.

You know, it really mean so much for someone to listen to you and offer encouragement. I do pray for peace and god's blessing on you and your love one. I look forward to hearing from you again.

Peace to you and yours,

Caregiverwife (Theresa)

Teri Bailey

6/10/07 7:00pm

Hi, Theresa --- I remember well when my husband had to give up driving and the keys to the car -- those were not happy days in the Bailey household. Because doctors are required to report an Alzheimer's diagnosis to the DMV in the state of California, Dick was summoned to the department to take a written and behind the wheel test, both of which he flunked royally. That was good news for me, because the DMV became to bad guy, and I could then just comiserate with him. I'd suggest trying the same route even if you have to instruct your doctor to report your husband's diagnosis to the DMV. I always tried to put myself in Dick's place --- I would be so upset if I were unable to drive any longer. No matter which way you go, it's a terribly difficult but necessary period to go through -- as are so many of the stages of Alzheimer's. My best to you!

Teri Bailey

Caregiverwife

6/11/07 8:34pm

Hi Teri- Thank you for your response. Today, I faxed a short note to the Dr asking for help with the driving issue I outlined somethings I see that directly relate to driving. I am hoping he will do the right thing. I do feel so sad for my husband because he definitely sees driving as having independence and also feels he might as well be dead if he can't drive. So, I am worried, sad and I hate this disease! This is one of the "hardest" things I have ever had to do.

Thank you for sharing and listening to me.

Caregiverwife

Teri Bailey

6/12/07 11:32am

Hi, Theresa -- I completely understand the difficulty of this transition, but I kept thinking about how much more difficult it would be for Dick and me if he had ended up injuring someone in an accident. Luckily for me, his anger at losing his licsense lasted less than a week--- but it was a brutal week. After that, I got him signed up for door to door public transportation so that he could get to an adult day program 20 miles from our home --- that worked for about two years and allowed me to continue teaching until I was sixty. I remember him having to make the same decision with his dad --- he took the keys and disabled the car his dad drove, but his mom really handled the resulting anger. How I now wish I had understood what she was going through -- I would have supported her so much more than I did. I would encourage you to make sure the doctor reports to your state's DMV and perhaps even follow up with a call to them yourself. If your husband does not see you as the one who is insisting that he give up driving, he might just tolerate it a little better after the initial anger of losing that bit of independence. As I said, who knows how I will react when the same thing happens to me. It won't be pretty, I'm sure! :) Hang in there on this issue --- I wish I could tell you that there won't be others equally difficult --- but then, you know.

Take care of yourself and be well,

Teri Bailey

( P.S. I've written a few journals on this site that you might be able to relate to.)

Teri Bailey

6/12/07 11:33am

Hi, Theresa -- I completely understand the difficulty of this transition, but I kept thinking about how much more difficult it would be for Dick and me if he had ended up injuring someone in an accident. Luckily for me, his anger at losing his licsense lasted less than a week--- but it was a brutal week. After that, I got him signed up for door to door public transportation so that he could get to an adult day program 20 miles from our home --- that worked for about two years and allowed me to continue teaching until I was sixty. I remember him having to make the same decision with his dad --- he took the keys and disabled the car his dad drove, but his mom really handled the resulting anger. How I now wish I had understood what she was going through -- I would have supported her so much more than I did. I would encourage you to make sure the doctor reports to your state's DMV and perhaps even follow up with a call to them yourself. If your husband does not see you as the one who is insisting that he give up driving, he might just tolerate it a little better after the initial anger of losing that bit of independence. As I said, who knows how I will react when the same thing happens to me. It won't be pretty, I'm sure! :) Hang in there on this issue --- I wish I could tell you that there won't be others equally difficult --- but then, you know.

Take care of yourself and be well,

Teri Bailey

( P.S. I've written a few journals on this site that you might be able to relate to.)

AFA Social Services Team, Health Guide

6/14/07 10:27am

Dear Theresa,

I truly wish there were an easy way to resolve this problem. As with so many risks caused by the effects of Alzheimer’s disease, the problem and the solution are both complex—requiring a balance between delicate sensitivity and assertive intervention. The advice you have already received from our other friends and experts has been wonderful. We are eager to hear how the appointment with the doctor does or does not prove to be helpful. In either case, we, your community, will be here to listen.

I have taken the liberty of posting an advice topic on driving in the hope that it might inform other caregivers on this topic. You, too, may find it to be of some use. As always, please do not hesitate to call the AFA hotline (866-232-8484) if you feel that it might help to brainstorm a bit on this problem or others. Also, our telephone support network meets tonight (Thursdays) at 9:00 pm Eastern Time, offering another wonderful way to talk through the issue with your peers. Care Connection can be accessed by dialing 877-232-2992, and then entering the guest ID 271004#.

Please keep in touch.
AFA

Caregiverwife

6/16/07 11:54pm

Dear AFA Social Services Team,

The dr stated he could not determine enough decline to warrant reporting to DMV at this time, also says that giving up one's independence is a hard thing to do... I was really stunned to honest. I have no idea what I am to do if he were to have an accident. The only thing the dr did was to tell my husband that he was not to drive at night! You can imagine how well he listened to that advice. So, for now its business as usual.

I thank you for your response and posting of the "Driving topic".

Caregiverwife

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