Stepping back.....................

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Friday, September 25, 2009
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A week ago today I moved my Mom to a Catholic skilled nursing facility. Some of you may have read my previous posts and this move was appropriate and necessary at this time for my Mother. I knew moving Mom would be difficult and the transition would take some time. What I didn't rea...

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N.C.
Friday, September 25, 2009 at 12:04 PM

Dear Jan,

You really should not "obey" your sister's "order". If she is really so worried, she should do it herself. It was even worse that she didn't really respond properly after you did the check. It is so sad - you can try to explain to her that your mom is fine and that you will check on her as usual (not on her request). You have my sympathy about this situation!! How sad it is when the older sisters still order the younger sisters and etc.!! I have 4 sisters and I know the feelings. Maybe she felt your Mom sounded bad on the phone call to her or something.

Your Mom told you she was scared. But don't worry about that. My father-in-law says that kind of stuff all the time but he still knows my husband although he may not know it is family or friend... In fact he is well taken cared of by at least 4 caregivers taking turns!

I think when your Mom does not understand what is going on, she would say those things because in her mental state, she cannot understand what is going on. If it is really urgent, the caregivers would let us know. So rest assured that you are not the only one. Don't even feel guilty. We have all done the best.

Please take care of yourself and go out and give yourself some space.

Love,

Nina

nursing home
Carol Bradley Bursack
Monday, September 28, 2009 at 09:13 AM

Jan, you'll be criticized by your siblings no matter what you do (I know you've figured that out). I had to make a similar decision, and while my siblings were okay, many of my mom's friends were not. They didn't see her enough to see the dementia, and for some I know it was "this could be me." So, I was the bad daughter.

Stepping back was hard. I wanted to hover. There's a fine point between being an advocate and continuing to be a caregiver, and giving the nursing home staff the feeling that you don't trust them. Until you have a reason not to, it's best to do just as you are. Make friends with them. Compliment them. Let them know you want to be part of the team and that you respect their professionalism. You instinctively do this, I can tell, so I'm just putting it in writing.

The hardest part is letting go when you've been under the 24/7 watch - all alone - for so long. Now you have help. Your siblings concerns may be about money, but they won't say that. Do what you need to do. You've gotten help with caring for her, because that was the right step. Now, you need to allow yourself to have a few moments when you aren't thinking about it. That will take time.

You are an inspiration. Thanks for all of your insight.

Carol

Untitled Comment
Anonymous
Monday, November 16, 2009 at 07:48 PM

J,

It appears you have had quite a few problems with multiple homes and with 5 of your siblings. Are you just one of six?

Many families are forced to utilize nursing home services because the children have full time jobs and support families. I know Dad would have been much better off in one of our homes but this was not possible. I also realize Dad was well taken care of in the nursing home, much better than I could have done 24/7. That's why we selected a nursing home. We needed a primary caretaker for Dad.

You may want to sit back and take another look at the situation again. It may help you to become more peaceful. I am retired and had the opportunity to spend anytime I wish with Dad on a daily basis if I wanted. My days were free to do as I wish for the most part. My sisters were envious that I had all the time in the world on my hands to spend time visiting with Dad. They love Dad and would jump to the end of the earth for him, probably more than I ever did. They would be with him all day everyday, if they could, but they couldn't.

Little did I realize how lucky I was until we lost Dad. I had the opportunity to be with him anytime I wished but I too, complained about them. I'm ashamed now. Now I realize, they we hurting and loved Dad at least as much as I did. They were frustrated and hurting that they did not having the opportunity to support Dad 100% during his end of life experience as I did.

Relax a bit with the nursing homes and enjoy your time with your Mother. You don't realize it yet, but you are the lucky one. Your sisters and/or brother are probably in a lot of pain now. I wish I had been more understanding and giving to them.

re: Untitled Comment
j
Monday, November 16, 2009 at 10:15 PM

Unfortunately, we had a very bad experience with one nursing home and I moved my Mom after several incidences of medication errors, lack of care, safety issues and the list goes on and on. I had meetings with directors and staff to correct these problems but they increased care and costs and what I got was a lot of empty promises. Mom is in another facility at this time and what a different experience. She is finally in a safe environment being cared for appropriately. I still am with my Mom every day and now am able to visit her and have quality time together.

I realize I am harboring a lot of resentment and anger with a few of my siblings and I don't know how to let it go. It is hard to live with this. From the beginning of my Mom's illness they have not been there to help, support or offer anything but their opinions and arguments. I have 4 siblings in the same city and some of them have gone for months without visiting my Mom at all. I understand having jobs and families but I too have a life which has not stopped me from taking care of my Mom.  I too have siblings that are retired but they still don't visit. I don't understand why they can't and/or don't visit Mom on the weekends and spend a few hours just showing her their compassion and love.



I love my Mother so much and the sadness I am feeling is incredible.  The greatest gift we could give my Mom at this time is for her to see her children together being a family and surrounding her with love. Mom is now on hospice care and the end of her journey may quickly be approaching.

I wouldn't change anything because you are correct, I have so many cherished memories of the time I have been able to spend with my Mom.  I know I have done to the best of my ability what is right for my Mother. I sincerely hope my siblings don't have any regrets when Mom is gone. My heart is breaking.

re: re: Untitled Comment
Anonymous
Tuesday, November 17, 2009 at 08:29 PM

I'm benefiting from this web site. I hope you are too, j. It's healing for me.  I'm learning every day and am growing from my experiences on the site.

I'm happy to hear you found a home that you can now be comfortable to act as primary caretaker. This makes a world of difference to the entire family. My siblings wanted Dad to be in peace more than anything in the world. The nursing home was the driving force for that. I just didn't realize it until Dad passed.

J, children of elderly parents handle emotional pain in many different ways. It seems you feel you need to be with your Mother each day for a while to make yourself feel contentl. Others in your famly may not feel the same. They may utilize God more to guild them and bond with your Mother in an ultra fashion. At this point, your Mother probably doesn't know any of her children or realize they visit her. Perhaps they are praying for her peace and thinking about her well being more than you visit. We don't know.

Know that all children of elderly parents will have opinions because they struggle to do what is best for their parent, especially when the parent needs them. The opinons may not not agree with your opinion, but everyone is different. If a child of a sick parent feels no control over the parent's destiny, the sadness for their parent is even more difficult for them. That happened to my sisters.

It sounds like you understand that your Mother loves all of her children equally and desires peace for them. Your Mother deserves that. The first step to healing family relationships is for all to be honest, humbly admitting wrong doings, be sincerely sorry for what you've done to hurt others and promise never to repeat the same behaviors. Only then, can they move move on to mend the relationships slowly. It might take a lot of time before this happens.   The time required to trust again depends on the personalities and the amount of pain endured by each.

I will keep your family in my prayers. The outcomes from my experience are beautiful and perfect. I had control over Dad's destiny, but never took that control.   Obtaining peace with my sisters was not difficult after Dad's death. I learned that they did all they could possibly do for Dad, given the circumstances.