My father-in-law has moderate/severe Alzheimer's and he can still recognize my husband. Ever since my late mother-in-law passed away in Oct. 2004, we have been constantly struggling to take care of him from a long distance. We visit him often and we hire 24 hours professional home care people for him. He has a live-in caregiver and a full-time caregiver in the day.
Sometimes friends and neighbors may not know how to deal with it. Often people don't have the same knowledge you have here in this site, and they just go with their common sense. It is disturbing that friends/ neighbors go emotional when they try to tell us what to do. It is a hard journey to take care of him.
There are at least 2 times when the friends/neighbors came in emotionally and treated us unfairly. We are not there all the time and they used this situation trying to make us feel guilty. They tell us that we did not do something right. Well, if they can tell us properly and discuss it nicely on the phone or in our face, then I can accept it. But, no, they have to think we are not dealing with it or that we don't love him! What right do people have to tell you that you are not doing right for your own family without checking all the facts?
A friend once came in and tried to force my FIL to walk but he didn't feel like walking. She came in and had a fight with our caregiver in front of my FIL. But she acts like nothing of that sort happened. She complained to our home care nurse that we did not love him enough to be with him and etc. She said nothing and pretended to be polite when she saw us!!
The other time is when my FIL slipped and had pain and got confused due to the painkiller. Instead of helping us on the phone, a neighbor treated my husband like a bad guy and forced him to come. The next time she saw him she said sorry that she overreacted but reminded him that we should get someone to check everyday (this is good advice).
It is due to the job situation that my husband cannot go back to live with his Dad and also we are not in the same country so my FIL cannot move in with us. We are trying to work it out by going back more often or on leave. So in this situation, we are under lots of stress and we would appreciate if a friend can be understanding. Fortunately, our home care couple is very considerate and understanding.
What I am saying here is, friends and neighbors, please consider the family's feelings and be considerate about what they are going through. Help them go through the hard time instead of accusing them. This does not solve any problem. We have to be careful as friends or neighbors of any family that takes care of an elderly with Alzheimer's/dementia.
Nina
