Nursing?

We have taken care of my father-in-law since Oct. 2004 from a long distance. Because we  are too far away, we have hired a home care service to help him since 2006. This co. is new and has only been established for 4 years or so. It is nice that the caregivers' boss is a nurse who does not work in the hospital anymore. Instead she devoted her nursing career into this home care business with her husband who helped set up the company. In the beginning it was only 1 hour per day and gradually it became 4 hours and now it is 24 hours since 2008.

In a way I felt the service has helped my FIL a lot. The only thing is the nurse lies a lot and talked to my FIL using lots of white lies and misleading stuff. She thinks she is helping him by loving him closely like her father. It is at a point that my FIL loves her more than he loves my husband or something. My FIL will always know my husband as his son but he is always looking for a woman to replace his late wife.

I have mentioned lots of details in my other posts and questions. So I am not  going into details again here.

My only thought is about how much one should mislead an AD patient who is close to 90. (he is 88).

I think this involves a lot of philosophies and values. Everyone or every family is different. My Asian background makes me more conservative although I am moderate in some areas. To me, the respect toward the elderly is to respect him enough to calm him down or lie only if necessary. But I try to keep the truth or tell him some truth so that I don't mislead him a lot. East Europeans like my FIL and his lady friend are also quite conservative and so they are more honest about the relationship as well. The only trouble is my FIL is so sick that he reads all signals wrong and wants to find a mate among women. He seems to ignore his son and etc. It is ok because I understand it is because we don't live with him. My hubby calls him twice a day everyday. But his Dad still wants a mate.

The home care nurse/boss feels it is called nursing by talking to him very closely. In this process, my FIL thinks of her as his best friend or potential lover. She got groped once or twice by my FIL (it is what she deserved by being too close) when she comes to see him once or twice a month. She seems to be more important than my husband. My FIL once told me he needs to telephone this nurse for "security".

I think she crossed the line. This is home care and it is not her family or her father. I appreciate the affections that these caregivers may have shown my FIL, but we are still family and we need to be more important to my FIL. Her behaviors make it harder for us to love him more since we are far away and can only visit him 4 times a year. This year is the last summer we can be there for 3 months more due to my husband's sabbatical leave.

I know a nursing home can make us lose my FIL as well. He will no longer know me too well in the future. He may still want to count on my husband for everything. But it is the nursing home. I cannot stand that in my FIL's house, the home care nurse would take him over and make him into her Dad or the like. Maybe I am too conservative. No, I am not jealous and I don't really care if my FIL likes me or remembers me. (My FIL and I are always on the polite term and we are never close.) My FIL is close to my husband in science only. My FIL does not even remember that my husband is the POA or trustee for his finances anymore. We have done everything for him and we have tolerated the home care nurse's behaviors that "take over" my FIL's emotions and affection.