Elderly couple living alone

You are right it is their right. I am just saying, like you said, the adult children can try to suggest for them a better option and it is up to the elders.

One of my sisters is known for hot temper so if she does not see it fits her way, she would say the nasty thing to anyone including my parents (with some limit, of course.)

She tried to force my Dad to have surgery (with attitude). We tried to help my Dad to make the decision for surgery. It was not easy. He was told not to operate as an option, which is quality of life (premature) and death within 5 years.

Hard to say what is right. Now he is glad he had the surgery.

Yes, people have rights, but sometimes it is the love and close relationship in the family that can make the best decision for all.

Nina

You have the right approach and attitude, Nina. I think suggesting is just fine. Even encouragement. Approaches like your sister is using generally backfire, as you say.

Take care,

Carol

Carol, you gave a very insightful summary of this very difficult time of our lives.  I have had very hard decisions to make for my own parents, and without the benefit of the hindsight I now have, as I live my own final years.  That said, I find I am graviitating toward a life without "benefit" of a nursing home, and I almost wish I had "allowed" my parents to pursue their own wishes to live independently.  I really could not have given this option to my late mother; she got Alzheimers and it was not possible for my father to reasonably see to her needs, and we three children were also not able to move in with them or care for them in our homes.  We had to take the road most traveled - to the nursing home for Mama.  She lived there for several years befor dying of congestive heart failure.  I still wonder what her little mind was thinkng of her circumstances in those years at the homes.  Did her intelligence live, though locked up in dementia?  Was she suffering the agony of "being there" while only being unable to speak and communicate her thoughts and needs?  I still wonder.

My father is another matter.  He will be 91 years old this month and still "has (most of) his marbles."  He lived to himself for several years after Mama died, actively enjoying his half-acre gardening life.  He "bached it" like many men would, with declining standards that caused us to fear being arrested for parent neglect by the authorities, should they had had occasion to inspect his conditions.  His own health became more of a concern to us, though, and we finally had to convince him to enter the nursing homes we hated so much.  But, it was our only option, as he had become incontinent, and we could not see to his personal cleanliness any longer.  He was also diabetic, and very vulnerable to skin breakdown if not kept sufficiently bathed. Lifting an adult male needing a bath was not within our powers.  After he received neglectful care at one nursing home, we were able to place him in his now, very acceptable, residence in the Veteran's Home.  We love them and him!

As for my own remaining years?  Let me live at home in my squallor, to the nth degree, please.  Help me as much as you can and want to, but don't let me be your burden.  If I am more than you can bear, I will understand.  Just let me fall to sleep into my bowl of oatmeal, or in my sleep, if that be the case.  And know, world, that this is what I choose.  I cannot bear the thought of being filed and indexed away, then neglected by slap-dash nursing, while enduring a cacophony of other residents incessantly calling for care, or suddenly appearing in my face as I am startingly awakened by their unscheduled visit.  No privacy? NO THANK YOU!

Thanks for letting me vent,

Sojourner

This is beautiful, Sojourner. You express what so many of us feel. We wish we could have done differently with our loved ones, but we did our best. Your dad needed help, and it took to tries, but you got him into a good place. Some nursing homes are wonderful, others should be shut down. Most fall in the middle. The movement toward person centered care is wonderful, as realistically, many of us will end up in nursing home whether we think we will or not.

I, too, wonder how I'd do without my privacy and that is what scares me most about communal living.  I am often a very solitary person. Yes, I know, socialization is good for the brain. I'm a writer by inclination and profession, and that is a solitary way of life. This suits me. Will "they" force me to socialize? I write about studies that show that socialization helps people live longer and better, but what if that is against my nature?

My mother was a social person, however we kept a private room for her during nearly all of the time she was in a nursing home. She loved the people and they loved her, but she wanted her own space. That is normal.

All I really know is that we can't take care of our elders perfectly. We have to do what seems best. I, like you, pray no one will have to take care of me as a "burden."  But I know there's so little we can choose.

I always thought my solitary dad, who loved reading, science and archaeology, would entertain himself nicely in a nursing home. Life being what it is, his ability to read and understand what he read was taken away by his brain surgery. That which would have been such a great comfort - days on end to sit and read - was denied. I cry, yet, when I think about the unfairness of it all. But when was life fair?

Life in general is complicated, and aging even more so. No choice is right for everyone, and no choice is 100% right for anyone. We do our best. You've done yours. I hope and pray we can end our years in a way that is somewhat satisfying. So much of that comes from within. But diseases like your parents and mine have had can dictate much of what happens. I guess that's why life is an adventure.

Blessings to you, my friend, and thanks for sharing your beautiful thoughts.