Decision making for moderate/late AD patient in the family

It has been a long time since the whole thing started. When my late mother-in-law passed away in Oct. 2004, my father-in-law had already shown some memory loss. Due to some family factor/father-son relationship factor, my FIL is always in Chicagoland area alone with home care in his house. At first we had to start home care with one or 4 hours a day and gradually it has become 24 hours. Throughout all this, there have always been many voices from the neighbors, the friends and my family and every friend of ours advising us what to do or commenting about what has been going on. The common thought is that my FIL needs to be with us, living with us or not. Some people also say no nursing home as it is bad for him. All kind of ideas.

It is our responsibility to  care for my FIL for sure and we are glad to do it as it is our duty. Although we cannot care for him like how my own family cares for my parents closely in Calif (and my parents have no dementia), we try to do the best to be close to my FIL. My husband even took a year sabbatical leave to be there and went to UIC to do some labwork. It was hard because it was not in our home or elements. Now we are back. Another new thought came to us from my sister. Try to move my FIL to New York or Vermont. We are working on that but we may not find the same nursing homes that are as good as the one in Chicagoland. In other words, there is a possiblity that we will care for him in Chicagoland as long-distance caregivers with all the local caregivers who can help us there. I realized that unless he is with us in the same city in Canada, it is not going to work too well - we would need to cross the border a lot and drive a lot down to NY and my FIL will still hate nursing homes, in NY or Chicago.

My thinking is that what is best for my FIL does not mean the best for us. It is true one needs to balance between the elderly and the family caregivers. But at times, it is best for the elderly to stay put for his own good. This is actually harder for us to do what is best for him to leave him in Chicagoland. I heard that some people's parents do stay alone behind as they refuse to leave their own place. This has a point. What is best for the family, may not be what is best for the patient, esp. if there is long-distance issue involved.

Well, whatever we do, there are always people who will comment on it as to if it is right or wrong or better.

One thing I learn is, this is family matter and it is even more personal between the true family caregivers and the elder.  What right does a friend have as she/he does not even want to see my FIL often just because my FIL is "broken"???

It is not easy to carry all the responsibilities esp. when we are the only ones in North America to do this for my FIL.

I mean, whatever we are going to do for my FIL, I would advise friends or whoever, unless he/she is really to carry out the caregiving job himself/herself, just stop making comments or at least have the courage to talk to us fairly. I don't mind what peopel think and everyone is entitled to his/her own opinions, but give the family some credit. Otherwise, we are doing the best we can.

Nina