My mother insists on going back "home" (she is in assisted living) and becomes extremely irate when my brother, sisters, and I say we cannot support that decision, and we cannot help her. She slams the phone down and then calls the next person in line. We have all been receiving these requests, demands, and pleas. With every visit to her doctor, he tells her ever so tactfully that she is not experiencing the "normal" aging process (because she has asked about this) but is exhibiting something that is much more severe. She listens but doesn't comprehend. He has told her she is at risk if she lives alone and that she could not manage daily living chores. Again, she listens but does not hear. He has said that her depression is aggravating the decline in her mental state and that she needs the social stimulation that the care facility provides.
I would like to tell her that she has Alzheimer's, and that this is the reason her children (all of us) do not support her decision to go home. My younger sister does not want to tell her, saying the "kinder" way to deal with her and her requests is to simply change the subject. She fears telling my mom would send her into a deep depression from which she will not pull out. However, I have asked her dr for direction and he says it would be fine for me to have this conversation about Alzheimer's with her.
Has anyone out there dealt with this "tell or don't tell" situation? What is your advice? Is there anyone who has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's have any suggestions? Would you, any Alzheimer's sufferer, want to be told or would you rather be shielded from this particular truth?
ctc
Hi, CTC,
I experienced a similar situation with my mother, who always told me she wanted me to get her out of the nursing home now! At first, I changed the topic or told her that I would need to talk to the doctor (because she needed skilled nursing due to her terrible lungs), but eventually handled her demand in a more straight-forward manner.
One day, my mother asked a straight-forward question: "Why am I here?" I answered by looking her in the eye and taking her hand, and then saying, "That's a fair question." I proceeded to tell her that she was having severe memory loss. Mom proceeded to deny that there was any problem. I then asked Mom if she knew that I came to visit every day, and she said, "You do?" I described where we would sit for our daily visit, that I normally brought cookies, and what time of day I normally came to visit. I got the nurse who was passing by at that time to confirm what I was saying. Mom responded, "I guess I do have bad memory loss." (I had to repeat this same conversation on a daily basis for the next week since she forgot that the conversation had happened).
I purposely opted not to mention the word, "Alzheimer's" during this conversation because I knew Mom would have a traumatic reaction based on her having served as the primary caregiver for her mother (who had dementia) and her terror of developing the disease. I know I kind of skirted around providing information about the diagnosis in choosing this method, but it was based on my best guess-timate on the way to communicate this difficult message to Mom in the most effective manner. I think I got the message through to her without using the "A" word (Alzheimer's), but I also think that each situation in giving this message is different because what will be meaningful for each individual will be different. Some people will only hear the message if you use the words "Alzheimer's disease" or dementia; others, like my mother, may need a softened approach.
So I'd suggest using your best knowledge of your mother (including her current status and her history) as well as the type of relationship that you have with her in determining how to handle this conversation. I really don't think there is a universal right way of talking about your mother's diagnosis; instead, you (and your family members) will need to use your gut instinct to determine the best way to get the point across to your mother.
Take care!
Dorian