how to cope

By LMyers1020 Tuesday, October 21, 2008

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I need help coping with the decisions that I have had to make over the last several years. Please if you have any encouraging words please forward to me. My brother and I are having a hard time adjusting to putting mom in a nursing home. Long story short mother still has times that she is lusid and sometimes she is way out. Always depressed caused by UTI's. Short term memory loss. Broke her hip several years ago, had caregivers during the day, brother at night and me the first and third week-ends (since I live out of town.) She has been diagonisted with senile dementia and with congestive heart failure due to fluid. She is 87 years old. She has times when she almost blanks out and we have called ambulances to take to hospital. Each time they run test for UTI, fluid retention, stroke etc to find nothing. She Thankswon't rememeber even being in the hospital. Please just wnd me so of your enperiences so that we don't feel so alone and guilty. Thanks LMyers1020@aol.com

I just want to write today, It's been a bad one

Comments (3) | Add comment

Sue

10/21/08 2:31pm

Thanks So very mcuh for posting and welcome to our community. I think you will find many people here, experts, caregivers, even those living with this disease, ready and willing to help you.

I can be such a trying experience having to place a loved one in a care facility. There are some posts made by experts and community members that you might find helpful:

The Gift of Placement

When Its Time to Move A Loved One

What We Give Up as Caregivers

The Responsibility Police Are Gone

The Agony of Placement

All the best, sue (moderator)

Dorian Martin, Health Guide

10/21/08 5:30pm

Hi, L.,

I know what a difficult decision it is to place a loved one in the nursing home. I had to literally drive my mom to the nursing home. And like your mom, she was often still lucid and would demand, "Dorian, get me out of here NOW!!!"

But in retrospect, it was the best decision for Mom and for each member of the family. First of all, Mom needed the skilled nursing care due to also suffering from Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease (from smoking way too much over her lifetime). I didn't have the training to handle the health issues Mom was experiencing.

Secondly, I the designated caregiver in the family. My brother couldn't help because he lives in Colorado (and thus at too high an altitude for Mom to live). Dad wasn't tempermentally suited to caregiving and was dealing with his own health issues. So a key issue in creating a suitable caregiving arrangement had to be keeping my own life afloat financially, which I wouldn't have been able to do if Mom lived with me. Mom (prior to being diagnosed with Alzheimer's) always said, "Dorian, I don't want to be a burden." Thus, I believe that (if she were in her right mind) she would have understood why the decision was made.

So based on what you've written, I think that the decision that you and your brother have made is the most loving one that you could make in ensuring a quality level of care for your mom. And that decision also allows you both to maintain the critical aspects of your life that would otherwise be crushed under the weight of caring for your Mom's medical issues and Alzheimer's.

Take care and keep us posted on how things are going!

Dorian

10/22/08 11:26am

Hi, my father-in-law is going to be 88 next month. Like you, my husband and I are thinking of assisted live-in or nursing home for him. Right now, luckily he is so-so physically but his memory is very bad - he has moderate/severe Alzheimer's. He got 24 hours home care because we are out of town. We visited him often. The sad thing this time is that it is not the issue of health, but it is the issue of money. It is too expensive to have 24 hours home care (3 people's salaries and etc.). It is impersonal in the nursing home or even assisted live-in for his condition as he cannot interact with people properly anymore. So we plan to keep one of the caregivers in the day time there so he won't feel abandoned. Actually some homes are nicer. You need to find the one that fits your budget as well as pleases you. It is hard. So far one of the homes was rejected by us although it was recommened by his doctor! (We would also change the doctor when we find a good one.) The high-end nursing home is expensive and not good for the budget (it is not good to move him around just to change homes to save money.)

Like you, we are in the middle of thinking process and we have looked for some homes already but hope to look for a better one in the countryside instead of closeby (too expensive if it is too close to the city and train.) We like the homes that have gardens outside and etc.

Please don't feel guilty. You are doing the best for both her and yourselves/families. It is natural that she will need all the help in a home. My father-in-law has been in his own home for 4 years since he got ill and his wife passed away in 2004, but in a year or so, he will have to go to a nice home. His house has been too old and has problems also. We kind of hope that the new homes will provide different environment that helps him more since he is antisocial and has nothing to do anymore.

Nothing is perfect but we just try to do the best. I hope you should think this is for the best. If you want to consider professional home care for a while now, it is ok too. You need to seek all the alternatives before you make a decision. It is hard but we just have to do this....

Sometimes I hope God will help us to find the best solution. Hope you will find the right one as well!

Take care and God bless,

Nina

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