I just want to write today, It's been a bad one

I should be used to mom and her personality changes but I just can't.  About every 3 months or so she becomes angry, and mean.  This usually means that she is getting a UTI.  This is the beginning of a  long 2 week roller coaster of emotions.  She will stay in bed, saying she wants to die, getting angry and telling my brother and myself how she feels about us (always ugly).  These are times of heartache.  Even though I know that I have done the right thing by placing mom in asst. living because of these outburst it should convince me more that I have done the right thing but it does not.  I start the whole emotional questioning thing again.  Maybe it is quilt that I should want to take care of her but rationally I can't.  I know that she gets better care/quicker than I could ever give.  I try and remember that she never wanted to live with either myself or my brother.  She has told me that over and over again but I still question if she is just saying that because she feels as though we don't want her.   Each day I think I am getting stronger and I try to move on but then I get a call and it just puts me in such a sad state.   As you know I finally traded her car in and bought a new one.  I felt as though I needed to move on.  Looking  at her car everyday was hard, and I know that if mom were to pass on then I could never get rid of the car so I felt it was best to do it now. Maybe I feel guilty about doing that.  I just did that 18 days ago.  Of course the first thing that she asks about is her car.  Everytime I visit I would drive her car so she could see it even though when we would go to get in it she would never remember it.  I would have to point it out to her and she would always say "that's my car".  Now that she is in one of her moods the first thing she asks about is her car, money, house etc.  My brother and I loved and love our parents so much ( my father has passed) that we would never do anything against them.  We try our hardest to carry out their wishes. No matter what I always feel guilty.  Is this normal?  I feel pulled between wanting a life and wanting to make mom happy.   I have made up my mind that I am going to write a letter to each of my children so they will have a tangible paper telling them my feelings, so that if and when the time comes for me they will be able to read it over and over again and not have to rely on memory of what I want.  I don't want them to feel the pain that I feel right now.  Anyway I will close for now and try and compose myself, pray for her, and hope I can keep going.

Lesa