Hi Susan,

I'm sure you're tried every approach possible. Sometimes, an "outsider" can do intimate things of this nature. For some reason the person isn't as humiliated as they are when a spouse or adult child helps. My mother-in-law didn't want family members to help with her showers, so we hired an in-home agency. This worked for awhile until she needed nursing home care. Obviously, toileting is going on every day. It seems to me that you may have gotten to the point where your husband would do better with nursing home care. Then you can go back to being a loving wife, spend quality time with him, but not be "the enemy" who forces him to use the bathroom, etc. Only you can decide, but there comes a time with most people where they can no longer provide all of the care for a loved one with AD. 

Please let us know how you are doing. We're thinking of you,

Carol

Susan

5/24/12 10:47am

Thank you so much for your comments, Carol.....I failed to mention that he is already in a facility, one for memory care.  I have companions with him at different times and they have asked the staff and the staff had no suggestions!  When I am there I simply DO NOT FORCE the issue and try again a little later.  I would not be able to do that if the problem was concerning a BM, but that has not been the case, as of yet, when I am there.  So, as you can see, I need advice for me, the companions and the staff.  Thanks.

Carol Bradley Bursack, Health Guide

5/24/12 11:10am

Well, Susan, he must be a handful if the staff is having problems dealing with it!

You are right in not forcing the issue. That will backfire. I'm not sure what else you can do if the staff has no ideas, either.

One thing to remember about  these things is that he is ever changing and this problem could resolve itself as he goes father into his dementia. I know that can't be too comforting, but it's possible he may move his stubborn refusal for help in this area to another problem.

Have you tried the Alzheimer's Foundation of America (www.alzfdn.org)? Or any Alzheimer's organization in your area. They may have suggestions. I hope so!

Take care,

Carol

As Alzheimer’s disease progresses, the individual’s ability to perform the activities of daily living, such as using the toilet, becomes increasingly impaired.   The brain loses the ability to understand and process the steps and order in which these actions are done, and the whole process may be too overwhelming and/or confusing.  Your husband’s emotional response could be in reaction to his feelings of frustration and confusion.  As you and the companions for your husband have likely encountered, you will not be able to rationalize with your husband about why he needs to not only use the restroom but also why he needs to allow for some assistance.  Instead, be mindful of the fear, anxiety and confusion that he may be experiencing, and approach him accordingly.  Remain positive and supportive, and break down each step, offering simple verbal and visual cues.  You might even want to try talking to him about something else to distract him during this time, or allow him to hold onto something comforting so he feels a sense of security while you are assisting him.  Lastly, as you already do, if there is no immediate need, do not force the issue, and just try again a few minutes later.