My husband has alzheimers and is in a nursing home, I am having feeling of guilt because I am finding it harder and harder to visit him regularly is this normal or am I a bad wife?
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4/27/09 12:04pm
Hi
You are not alone in feeling guilt about placing a loved one in a nursing care facility. You have to remember how difficult it became to look after them, remember that you did your best to care for them until it became too much for one person.
If you cannot bring yourself to visit then take a few weeks off. If you can, get other family members or friends to visit him instead. It is important that you care for yourself too.
Talk to the nursing home manager and explain your situation then contact your local Alzheimer's Association. They have support groups and activities for people in the same situation. Meeting others will help you through the bad times and you will feel less isolated.
There is no need to punish your self lots of people feel the same way
Christine
4/26/09 1:04pm
Dear Mamaham,
I don't think you need to feel guilty if you cannot see him in the home. As long as you make sure the caregivers there give good care to him, it is ok. You can just call him everyday and make sure you know what is going on in the home. Done that, you need to figure out which way is healthy for you. If you feel it is hard to see him all the time, you need to cut down the frequency and do yourself a favor to do what you have to do. Especially exercise and see your friends or go to your social groups and etc. You should also take the time to go see a support group, even in the nursing home. You don't really have to hang around him all day/night. The sad thing is if you go there, he would definitely wants you all the time. So you can choose your quality time to be with him. This way it is healthy for both you and him.
Take care,
Nina
4/27/09 5:10am
i have a soon to be mil and its been hard on me but its been hard trying to get her to get dress cause she puts them on wrong are upside down my b/f said just to be nice and try to deal with it its hard on me cause i am dealing with ms myself this ad is all new to me cause i never had to deal with it with any of my family members there are times i just want to walk out the door and take along walk and be by myself
4/27/09 12:19pm
At the beginning we also felt guilty about my father-in-law. We cannot live with him and cannot move him to be with us and etc. We tried to figure out how but in the end we decided that it is best for my FIL to be in his own town in his own elements.
At times he would say my husband or the home care nurse abandoned him or deserted him. But we all do the best we can. So far we have spent so much time to travel to his town to care for him and care for him remotely for his finances... Everything sinlge thing has been taken care of by us. We have done so much that I don't feel I am so guilty anymore because this is the best we can do.
It is really a lot of work to care for such patient so it is not a job that can be done by yourself alone. It is normal to enroll outsiders' help such as nursing home or home care service/professional caregivers.
Nina
4/27/09 2:14pm
Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. No, you are not a bad wife just as I am not a bad daughter for allowing someone else who is more qualified to care for our love ones. We make decisions based on what is better for them and what is better for us. Moving my mom to her new place, was difficult because like you I had taken care of her and my life became that and only that. I had to retrain, break old routines to find myself again. I had to get to know my own family again because I had been so consumed with taking care of mom. Mother had always told me that she never wanted to be a burden, and never wanted to live with any of her children. My mind kept trying to keep her wishes, but my heart just had to try and take care of her myself. Mother would have days where she would be "normal" and would stress to me that she did not want to live with me or my brother. She would want me to take her to visit asst. living facilities. On days that the dementia was bad, her memory gone, mad at the world of course she really did not know what she wanted. We found a facility that she and I both liked and she moved in and it has been wonderful. She still has her days but on her good days she tells me how she likes it there and believe it or not she even has a boyfriend. It took me a few months to get use to the change of not having mom with me 24/7 but I know that I did the best for my mom and me. I know that she is much happier and gets the medical attention much faster than I could have. Hope this helps.
Lesa
4/28/09 4:06pm
Hi, Mammaham,
You are definitely not a bad wife. You are instead facing the stress of caregiving and are probably in mourning for the loss of your husband. My father also experienced tremendous guilt and also had an increasingly harder time visiting Mom when she was in the nursing home.
I agree with Christine Kennard in that you really should take a break. Take some time for yourself and start treat yourself gently. If you can, take a vacation or at least figure out how to do some fun things that are in your area which will get your mind off of your husband's situation.
Once you get that break, you may want to alternate visiting dates with a relative or friend. Dad and I at times would do this, which would relieve the stress on each of us.
Take care and give yourself a hug!
Dorian
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By mammaham1948— Last Modified: 12/25/10, First Published: 04/26/09
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