how to get parent to move to retirement care?
My father becomes violently angry when we try to talk about moving him and my mother to a retirement community. She is willing but he says that we can not make decisions for him and that if he moves to a place "like that" he will die. He says that there are people, people, people there. Because my mother does not drive and he still does, against our better instincts, my mother's world and socializing is shrinking along with his. She needs people but after 60+ years she is does not know what to do. My sibling and I cannot be there for them 24/7 which a retirement community would provide.
One approach that works could be, "Okay Dad, then we need to remodel the house so it's more workable for you." Then start talking about railings and larger bathroom doors in case of wheelchairs and all the expensive stuff you can think of. Sometimes, that will get them to make the decision, as they see the expense of remodeling.
I think your dad is rebelling against having the decsion made for him. He may secretly want to move, but doesn't want to be told to do it. I know how stickly this is.
Also, elders often think of assisted living and nursing homes as they were in the past. In many, if not most areas, they are vastly improved, and most people - after a period of adjustment - learn to really like assisted living. They feel safe. They can get help when they need it. They can get food. And maybe most importantly, they can make friends with peers.
Is there a way you can get your dad to tour some homes? A third party can often help, as elders will listen to a doctor or even a good friend before they will listen to their "kids." Do you have a pastor or other spiritual leader they respect? If any one of these people would agree to suggest just touring some homes together, you may have a start.
Good luck with this. It's very hard. But the rewards for everyone can be great. Please try to get help so you have backup. If their situtation is bad enough, you can call social services for a welfare check, and they may decide it's a safety issue and they would back you up, but this is a last option. They both may be angry over that. However you must do what you must do, so seek out the help you need.
Carol
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I am an Admissions Director foran assited living facility. I run into this problem daily and work with families through the process. If you can get your father to understand that his quality of life will actually improve with the care he will recieve it would help. Ask him if he will at least go with you to visit your top choice (or top two or three choices). Once he realizes it is a happy place, NOT a nursing home, he may be more open to the idea.
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