Hello Momiandbebe,  First, I want to tell you how sorry I am to hear that you are experiencing these difficult family dynamics problems.  There are things that you can do about this situation, but they may be very involved and have very unpleasant consequences for your brother and you.  In other words, you may not be very popular with any of your siblings if you decide to intervene legally.

There are two ways to legally intervene and you would need some sound legal advice perhaps before deciding which was appropriate.  You have suggested that your brother is stealing your mother's funds.  It would be wise to suspect that behavior rather than stating it as a fact publicly.  If you suspect criminal conduct and are willing to subject your brother to an investigation and possible criminal charges, you would need to contact the prosecutor's office for the jurisdiction where your mother lives and tell them your story.  They would need to have enough evidence from your information to develop probable cause to initiate a criminal investigation.  Simply being ignored by your brother and his actions to bar you from contact with your mother are insufficient evidence.  You would need some pretty compelling facts that show how he has abused his appointment as guardian or power of attorney.  They might be willing to contact the nursing facility to inquire about your mother's needs being met.  Neglect, if indicated, would probably lead to further investigation.  However, a lack of diapers or borrowed undergarments may not satisfy the definition of neglect.  It may be that these things have been taken care of already, too. 

The second way that you might intervene would be through a civil action.  You would need to hire a lawyer at your own expense and then see if a case can be made to terminate your brother's appointment and access to your mother's funds.  The lawyer would probably want to hire a private investigator to look into the financial dealings of your brother and also to see if he is caring adequately for your mother's needs.  Whether this is successful or not, you will be billed for it.  If a case can be made and it goes to court, you will be billed for all of the costs associated with the hearing, service fees, etc.  You could spend a lot of money and prove nothing.  It could take many months just to get a ruling and then could be extended further through the appeals process.  You would need thousands of dollars to do this and a fair amount of money up front before an attorney would even represent you.

I would think long and hard about pursuing this matter.  Your father chose your brother for this task and unless you are absolutely able to prove that he has not performed his duties or has misappropriated funds, you would be ruining some important family relations, possibly.  I am sure that you are heartbroken with worry about your mother, but there is a lot at stake to tackle this problem.  Because you live in another state, you are further disadvantaged in any efforts that you undertake.  I would recommend that you maintain a good relationship with your sister and ask her how your mother is doing.  Perhaps your sister could keep you informed and notify local authorities if she observes any wrongdoing.

As a last resort, contact the senior services office in the city where your mother lives and see if they have any advocates who would check on your mother's situation and get back to you.  It might give you some peace of mind to have an impartial third party provide some feedback on your mother's condition and care.  If the bills are getting paid and the facility is providing and billing for the missing supplies, the basic needs of your mother are being met.  Her emotional and spiritual needs might be addressed through the advocate. 

I'm sorry that there aren't some easier solutions to your concerns, but perhaps these ideas will be helpful to you.  Best Wishes,  --  Joe  --

Carol Bradley Bursack, Health Guide

7/ 5/10 10:12am

Momiandbebe, Joe did such a wonderful job answering your question that all I can really add is that you could contact the National Assn. of Elder Law Attorneys  at www.naela.org/ and see if they can help you. Legal action is likely the only way to take care of this. It's heartbreaking (and more common than we'd like to think) that people skim off the money meant for their elders and use it themselves. Elders deserve dignity, and you brother not supplying your mother's basic needs is doing just that.

 

However, as Joe said, that may not be enough to bring a suit. Your sister's earlier comment is telling, and she could be asked under oath to repeat that. All of this is ugly business, and could be expensive, so you'll have to think it through. But many attorney's will offer a free or low cost consultation.

 

Reading you letter brings me to tears. I hope you can find some peace with this. Bless your for being so caring.

Carol

momiandbebe

7/ 5/10 6:29pm

Hi Carol, Thanks so much for your advice. It is discouraging to hear that there is little I can do unless I am willing to spend an unlimited amount of money, which I don't have. I am going to go to the website you recommended. I can't tell you how comforting it is to read these comments, especially coming from people who do not even know me.  I am so glad I found this forum.  I hope sometime I am able to console someone the way you all have done for me.  God bless you.  Carole

momiandbebe

7/ 5/10 6:24pm

Hi Joe, I typed a lenghly reply to you but this is my first time using this forum and it didnt go through. In summary, I don't have any concrete evidence against my brother.  Just what the nursing home told me and what my sister told me. Now the nursing home won't let me call and something happened to my sister that caused her to cut off communication with me. I don't want to call her and have her talk to me the way my brother did.  None of us kids were very close growing up so I have no problem at all reporting my brother.  I am currently going thru a divorce, my husband of 10 years couldn't take all the drama, so money is tight. I am going to have to reply on elderly programs and organizations in that area that are willing to help.  My brother and his wife own an apt buildling and another small business in that town.  I am going to call the mayor's office just to tell the mayor my story.  Who ever it is, I'm sure they won't do anything to help, burt who knows!  Thanks so much for your advice and your concern.  I know God will take care of my mother, it is just so painful not being able to see her in person.  Thank you again, Carole

Joseph

7/ 6/10 1:42am

Hi Carole,  I understand your suspicions and your concerns.  It is a complicated problem and one that you want to navigate through very carefully.  Since you and your brother were never close, he'd probably sue you if you gave him half a reason.  You don't want that to happen!  Also, because you are in the middle of a divorce, you have plenty of things on your mind without adding more.  I hope that your sister will keep you posted on your mother's care and condition.  It seems reasonable to ask for that with assurances from you that you won't drag her into a nasty legal fight.  Otherwise, look for a third party to assist you with the nursing home problem and your other concerns.

 

The most important advice that I can give you at this point, is to be very careful to report your suspicions without any suggestion that what you are reporting is an actual fact.  I'm sure that you realize this, but sometimes when people get a little passionate about a cause, they can very easily embellish the truth to improve their story.  That would be a disaster and would destroy your credibility.  At that point, your case would be over and nobody would listen to you later when you had more facts.  Please be very cautious!

 

I wish you well and hope that you'll keep us posted.  Best Wishes, --  Joe  --   

How do we force a cancellation of a power of attorney knowing that this person is misappropiating funds?  Does this power of attorney have the right to demand that we care for a family member with Alzheimer's?

Carol Bradley Bursack, Health Guide

12/ 9/11 6:29am

I think you'll need an elder law attorney to change the power of attorney. You may have to seek guardianship. If you don't seek guardianship, you likely can't be forced to provide care, but if you do, that could happen. In my opinion you need legal advice. State laws vary, so there's no one right answer.

Good luck,

Carol

Carol Bradley Bursack, Health Guide

12/ 9/11 6:30am

I think you'll need an elder law attorney to change the power of attorney. You may have to seek guardianship. If you don't seek guardianship, you likely can't be forced to provide care, but if you do, that could happen. In my opinion you need legal advice. State laws vary, so there's no one right answer.

Good luck,

Carol