Wednesday, February 18, 2009 dave asks

Q: How can we get though this?

Me and my wife took on the responsabilty of caring for my mom who has AD. My sister is a single parent and works, and so is my brother, so the task was left to me and my wife. I work all day so my wife is left with the responsibility most of the time. Its getting harder and harder for us finance wise, emotionly, mentaly. In all, there are so many questions I have but dont know where to begin. What do we do? How do we get through this?

- A
- A
- A

Answers (5)

Christine Kennard, Health Guide

2/18/09 8:21am

Hi Dave

Thanks for contacting us. You are in aposition so many people find themselves in.

As you are finding out you and your wife have taken on a difficult, stressful but also a rewarding job.

You have come to the right place. I hope this information helps.

First, knowledge is power. Finding out about what Alzheimer's is, what to expect, how the disease affects your mother and the best caregiving strategies is very important. Have you found the link to all the basic information? Basic Information about Alzheimer's

Second, some local support through the Alzheimer's Association or something along those lines can be great. Heres a link to national organizations

It will provide you will local information about any services. They often run groups and meetings for caregivers. Finding other people in the same situation makes you feel less isolated and the information you can get... invaluable.

Third, contact your local social services to see what is available in respite care or day care facilities. These can be from voluntary services, charities or from heathcare companies.

The Caregiver Center HealthCentral can also provide you with lots of information from people in the same situation. The OurAlzheimer's community are also great for online support.

Please keep in contact through shareposts and questions and answers

Christine

RAD

8/ 4/09 9:28am

How can you call caregiving rewarding?! Rewarding. How? I see no way that caring for someone with this debilitating, heinous disease can possibly be rewarding.

For the past five years my mother-in-law has been living with us. We have suffered a huge loss of income due to the fact that someone has to be with her, 24/7. We don't get out to enjoy dinner, movies or even to have friends over anymore. Both our sons are in college and my mother-in-law's brother who lives across town never calls or is able to take her for a week, a day, an hour. We are stressed, unhappy and suffering from health problems. Whenever we can scrape up some extra money, we take her to adult day care, but once again, the cost is prohibitive. Recent studies have shown that caregivers are prone to heart disease, high blood pressure and even clinical depression. How rewarding.

People can do all the research, reading and preaching they want about the virtues of caregiving. I see none. We have no choice in the matter. Many of us are doing this not because we want to be "rewarded," we do it because it is necessary. With nursing homes charging upwards of $200 per day, it is impossible to afford care. Support groups, who has time? All the thoughts, hints and strategies in the world are not enough to prepare someone for the incredible task of caregiving. Unless a person has experienced this first hand, NOTHING prepares you for this.

Christine Kennard, Health Guide

8/ 5/09 11:08am

Hi Rad

I hope so sorry that things are so bad for you. Caregiving can be rewarding, but it can, at times, be a nightmare. You are right, health problems can be a result of caregiving to people with dementia. Caregivers go to their doctors for their own health problems 50% more often than non caregivers, they receive 70% more prescribed medicines than non caregivers, they suffer the effects of stress including high blood pressure, heart disease, and suffer emotional problems that include depression, anger, despair, hopelessness, guilt and depression. All these things highlight the need that you have to look after yourself.

You must make time for yourself. I know you say you don't have the time, but you must try and make it otherwise you will need caregivers yourself.

Can I suggest a few things? I know you have probably considered many of them before, but I think there is an urgency for you to look at them again.

*Can you contact you mother-in-law's brother and talk to him about your situation and how desperate you feel and ask for some support?

*Do you think you need to see your doctor? Do you think you are depressed? You certainly sound stressed. He may suggest a short course of medication to help you cope.

*Can you ask your sons who I know are at college, for some support? Do they know just how hard you are finding things. They could come home for a weekend and give you a night off. Boys tend to be less handy that girls, but I am sure if they knew how bad you felt they would give you support, even if it was brief.

*You need time to have your own activities, something to look forward to. The benefit you will get from this will be worth the effort of arranging the support you require if the activity is outside your home. You might not always be able to do an activity with your partner, but it can still be fun. It will allow you time to re-engage with friends.

*Some people with relatives with dementia can offer cooperative sitting sessions to allow the other caregiver a bit of time off.

*Activities can be things where you make time for yourself in the day, where you do not leave your house/apartment, but gives you some ‘Me time'.

*Exercise is also very important, to help fight depression, to tone muscles, to help clear your mind.

*Relaxation is important. You can buy relaxation tapes that help you concentrate and master techniques. There are a few links to information I hope you find useful.

Seven Tips to Overcome Stress and Anxiety

Anxious? Stressed? Express it in Writing

How Relaxation Benefits Your health

Easy Meditation

How to Think Positively: a relaxation at home exercise

I hope there is something in what I have written that helps. I know I am making a lot of assumptions about things.

I am sorry that things are so bad. You must look after yourself

Christine

Bill Hirdman

2/18/09 9:26am

Hi Dave, My name is Bill.

I am some what new at this also. I take care of my Mom and Aunt in my home. I am 45. When the doctors first told me about mom disease I was scared, still am but what I did was start educating myself as much as possible. No matter what the question was that popped into my head I asked about it. still do. I feel most of their doctors hate me for this but really they don't. I found this web site to be full of increditable people willing to help. any hour!

I also have spent time at our local senior center, VALUBLE information there. and not that I have used it "yet" but there are local agency's for free help during the week. call medicaid, medicare, your county offices and APS. (adult protective services)

APS is actually full of info. and will help point you in the right direction, at least they do for me.

I am lucky in a way, retired at 45 I have time to search answers. I could only guess how hard this is on you and your wife at this time. I am up at ALL hours do to my mom doing "her thing". You are the first male I have seen as a caregiver in here since I joined. If you ever want to email me for any reason; bhirdman@gmail.com

email me, I would also be happy to give you my phone number for you to call at any hour. remember I am awake almost all the time so that would(time) not be a factor for me. I live in the mountains in No. Ca.

I am a self taught caregiver as most of us are but feel free to contact me if you think I could help with anything.

Good luck Dave

Always, Bill Hirdman

2/19/09 4:31pm

I cannot tell you how to deal with it as everyone is different. I too help my husband to care for his father who has severe Alzheimers and is 88. We have caregivers as we don't live with him. But I have done lots of financial stuff for him and he is forgetting that I am doing all these. He still thinks of us as his family but he lost his senses to realize we are the responsible family and that my husband is the POA and trustee (not the caregivers or the agency/home care nurse.)

I can understand it is hard for the in-laws to do the hard work like your wife. I do it because he is my husband's Dad. At the beginning, I really felt for him and wanted to help him more. As times go on, he knows me less and appreciates us less although he still says thank you and that sort of thing. (The whole thing started in Oct. 2004 when my late mom-in law passed away.) We dealt with his caregivers on daily basis and I am the talker because my husband is kind of shy and does not like to confront with people. It is very hard to care for AD patient like that because they get worse and they cannot be reasoned.

You may want to look into home care service to see if your wife can get some help or part-time caregivers. Also join the local support group. This group online is also very good and it helps me to relieve my tension.

You have my support although I cannot really tell you what to do in your case...

Good luck!

Nina

Daughter Inlaw

2/20/09 2:36pm

Take one day at a time and fine help. Soon cause it is hard on your wife more then you will know. I took care of my mother inlaw with alzheimers. You have good days and bad ones. It is so hard on your mother too. Because her whole life is change from night today.

When my mother inlaw lived by us. Before we put her in nursing home. She was run away trying to fine home, trying to drive and dry the news paper from a gas stove. You never know what was going happen because she didn't know either. It was sad to see her go through a change.

Some days you laugh then you cry. It was the hardest thing for my husband to do. But it was the best for her. I was the only one could calm her down. I was working at home so I was back and forth.

Now she was on a schedule and round people her age. There is somethings that help too is that I did for my mother inlaw. Was I take picture of my mother inlaw alot. And her son, you cant take enough picture! I made a DVD with her old pictures when she was growing up and her family with brother and sisters. And add musice to it. She love it I showed it to her in her last stages as of now. She just loved it I would tell her everyone was but the look on her face was Prices! She just allie and allie over it. Then look up at me and said thank you with her eyes.

Musice is good for ad patients. Expecialy BEETHOVEN!!!

Hope I help you all.

butterflies88

11/20/09 3:53pm

I take care of my mom who's 87 and is in stage 5. The only thing that bothers me with mom is she uses the bathroom in her diaper that goes down her leg or drops on the floor.I gag at that and so far my hubby or my son has been here for me cause I can't handle it. She's getting slower ans slower walking we have to use her wheel chair when she goes out to church and doctors.

I have help my hubby and son, an aid that comes three times a week to give her a bath,clean her bedside pot,makes bed,feeds her. I'm always here I dont get out much at all, my hubby and son get to get away more. My son he has his own life. I'm jealous..go figure. I feel guilty that I need the help so I can have time for the computer, chatting checking on friends and family far away,playing games online. Watching my soaps and my other shows at night when moms in the bed. she's the only one in this house that gets any sleep. I guess a lot of the times I'm running on fumes. When I do get out I feel guilty being away. Mom doesn't want to go anywhere unless I'm going.

I have a brother he takes care of the bills, but that's it he comes around once or twice a month for no more than 30 mins,he never comes and gets mom. We lost our car so I can't take her to her once a week day care and my brother says I can't take her but I'll go get her(WHAT)now where can I get someone to do that every week. That's our(me and my brothers) mom we should take her where she has to go. He thinks I have it easy with all the help and I am very Blessed for the help I pray everyday serval times a day for the help God has giving me.

You really should look into help with an aid from companys that you can find at your local DSS(department of social services) go to the medicaid office get a social worker and they can find you the help you need.

Good Luck and have a Bless day, Cindi

Q: How can we get though this?

Related Questions

Ask a Question