Sunday, May 15, 2011 Trudy Wood asks

Q: Dad wants to marry & reside in same room in Alzheimer's facility. I have reservations, both emotional & practical. The sibling of the other resident feels as I do...we want them to be happy but ???

Should we allow a legal marriage so they can be in the same room? What concerns should we have? We want them to be happy. This has continued for over a month now & the desire to marry persists because they want to be together all the time.

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Answers (3)

Christine Kennard, Health Pro

5/16/11 4:54am

Hi Trudy

I think many people will understand the dilemma this situation creates for you. You do not say what stage the disease is at in either parties, but Alzheimer’s is a disease that can affect judgement. Their relationship has only lasted for a month so a lot can change. We can all relate to the intensity of a new relationship but they do have the added complication that they are not free to act as they would have done if they were both in their own homes. They will feel the restrictions of the care facility and its rules and it can be a very upsetting reminder for them both that they can not act in an autonomous way.

There are also legal issues of their individual financial affairs and how that may affect them in the future that need to be addressed. Unless you have Power of Attorney or act as a legal Guardian this could could complicated. You and the relative of the other party could seek some legal advice.

For the time being I think you can wait and see. Relationships between residents do happen and they can be happy ones. They often remain at a boyfiend and girlfriend level Sometimes people wish to get engaged and have a party to recognise their feelings for one another.

Best Wishes

Christine

Trudy Wood

5/16/11 8:53am

Hi Christine,

This is my 1st time on this site & I kept my remarks brief not knowing what to expect. I am so thankful for the responses & valuable info that I rcvd in less than 24 hrs & on a weekend as well. THANK YOU! A few more details. I have had a POA for over 6 yrs. when my Dad was diagnosed. My mother passed away 2 years ago when they lived in assisted living. The new lady in my Dad's life lived in the same facility so they had known each other for 5 years before moving to an Alzheimer's facility about 6 months ago. So, the friendship between them is not new, but the love interest appeared about 1 month ago. They are both private pay residents. The facility has left this solution up to the families & are willing to accomodate us with our decisions & have given no direction...only support. I am a Christian & the prospect of them living together without marriage is upsetting to me...on the other hand, I realize that they have reverted back to almost childlike behaviour & are only thinking of the happiness & comfort they receive by being together. My Dad is very pleasant & agreeable, but this issue causes him to become angry because they have not been allowed to be in the same room. Of course, the legal aspects of a marriage would be a nightmare. There was 1 incident that I am aware of when they were both found in a room together in some stage of undress. In my opinion, neither of them would be deemed "mentally capable" of making any legal decision, but every time I visit, my Dad asks me to take them out so, they can be married & reside together. He is becoming more agitated...the woman's daughter that I have spoken to is of the same frame of mind as myself. Again, thank you so much for you expert advice...it is greatly appreciated.

Trudy

Carol Bradley Bursack, Health Guide

5/16/11 7:47am

I'm not clear about whether the relationship is only a month old, or the idea they want to marry and be in the same room is a month old. That could make some difference. With dementia patients, it does make a difference what stage they are in. Nursing home people sometimes do marry and are very happy, however, a commitment ceremony could be a better idea. As Christine mentioned, there are many legal implications here, so I, too, would suggest that you see an attorney. If one of the parties is private pay because they have assets and the other is on Medicaid, then the one with assets could lose those assets because of the care of the other party. It does get complicated when things become legal.

Talk with the nursing home chaplain, as well. He or she may be able to guide you with this.

Good luck,

Carol

Trudy Wood

5/16/11 8:58am

Hi Carol,

I have a call in to my attorney & the committment ceremony is a great idea. I'm just uncertain about them living together. Wonderful advice...thank you very much.

Trudy

Carol Bradley Bursack, Health Guide

5/16/11 9:01am

If the nursing home allows it after a cermony of that type, it may be just as good as a marriage to them, and it avoids the legal issuses. I'd check with them. Good luck!

Carol