Tuesday, October 27, 2009 misty asks

Q: My husband has been in a care facility for 3 months.

I have visited every day for those 3 months, even helping him shower and shave, etc. He doesn't always remember that I was there the day before, but they say he always asks when I am coming. As it gets more difficult to go daily, would it be hurtful to him to go every other day?

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Answers (3)

Carol Bradley Bursack, Health Guide

10/28/09 7:41am

Hi Misty,

I went through this for many years. You must take care of yourself. Even though he asks for you and your visits are very important, it is draining you and days melt together for him. Every other day is a good compromise to help you recover and have some time for yourself as well as keeping up your visits for him. Drop any guilt you feel (that will take time, I know). But it's undeserved guilt. You are doing the right thing for both of you.

Carol

Christine Kennard, Health Guide

10/28/09 10:00am

Hi Misty

Words of wisdom from Carol. I agree with her, You must take care of yourself too.

Go out and make some sort of social life for yourself too. It is important that you have some time away from your home where you can forget about all responsibilities. Caregiver stress and guilt is very common. Carol wrote a great sharepost here is the link to Caregivers often Suffer Unfounded Guilt

Best Wishes

Christine

10/28/09 12:46pm

It is true that you should not feel guilty and that you have to be there. But also you may need to leave him alone and give the caregivers in the home a chance to wash him and etc. One of the homes that we checked out for my FIL told us that the first month, the family has to go away and give them a chance to know him and help him to get used to the new place.

If you continue to care for him personally, then it beats the purpose to go to the home. You need to be his companion or visiting him often, but it would help if you leave the physical care part of caregiving to the caregivers in the home so that it could work out better. Otherwise he is going to ask for you all the time and gets agitated and it may not work out in this home for him.

Take care,

Nina

Dorian Martin, Health Guide

10/29/09 4:28pm

Hi, Misty,

I wanted to share a conversation that I just had recently with my friend Pam whose husband has early onset Alzheimer's. They have been married for about 35 years. Pam placed him in a facility in Fall 2008 and was going to visit him almost daily like you are.

I was in town in February and had lunch with Pam. She told me that she was having difficulty figuring out how to be single since she hadn't been on her own for so long. She decided to ask family members to visit her husband on set days during the week and then used those days to pursue her own interests.

Fast-forward to last week when Pam came up to visit me and Dad. She shared that she has finally figured out how to build a life that involves time set aside for her own enjoyment while still spending time with her husband at the facility. We agreed that this past year in some ways was a year of "mourning" for the relationship she used to have with her husband and for her own identity as a wife. Pam remains steadfast in the vows that she made to her husband, but she also has figured out how to build her own life and to create her own joy.

I thought I'd share this story with you in case it could be of help.

Take care and keep us posted!

Dorian

Q: My husband has been in a care facility for 3 months.

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