Shortly after I helped her move into the apartment she moved out to live "independently"--said the apartment wasn't big enough for her "things" and refused to downsize. Despite daily calls to remind her to take her medicine and to eat, she was recently hospitalized near death from lack of food and water and diagnosed with "mild to moderate Alzeheimer's. My sister and I had to go to court to become her conservators to insure that she be in a facility where she would be properly cared for. She was adamant that she didn't want to live with either of us. We also had to break up and sell much of her household, keeping furnishings for an assisted living apartment in the event that she could ever move to one. Recently the special care unit where she has been recuperating decided that she could move to an assisted living apartment in the same facility with checks to see that she takes her medication and eats. We told her that that there was to be a sale of her belongings but she forgot. She was also notified by mail as the law in Minnesota requires. She has become increasingly abusive in phone calls to the extent that I have shut off my answering machine. I have to go back to Minnesota next week to help move her into her new apartment and I am dreading the encounter. This abusive side of her personality is not new and can't be blamed on the disease as she has always been very controlling and abusive when things didn't go according to her plans. It is just worse than ever as I can't reason with her. She seems to be able to hide this side of her personality from staff and visitors and direct it at me. I have actually thought about just moving her into the apartment and avoiding her completely while there. How can I deal with her when she is not only abusive but now irrational and forgetful?
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Q: My mother is abusive with me because she is not in control of her living arrangements
Concerning your mother's behavior, it is advisable to consult with a physician, who might be able to explain why your mother is exhibiting aggressive outbursts. The physician may also rule out other medical explanations or adjust any current medications, which might decrease the behavior.
I am sorry to hear what a struggle it has been to organize your mother’s care. You have had to make some difficult decisions on her behalf, but overall it sounds as if they have been the right ones for her safety and well-being. Your mother’s diagnosis of Alzheimer’s disease creates confusion and disorientation, which can influence her perception of reality. Based on your description, it seems as if her judgment is impaired and it would not be uncommon for her to take her aggression out on even the closest family members. You mentioned your mother has always been controlling. Unlike in the past, now, due to her illness, if you have an argument, she may forget about it even minutes after an outburst. It is important for you and your family to remember that your mother's disease may cause her to act differently, which can sometimes be heartbreaking and distressing. Try not to take these outbursts personally and to continue providing the same unconditional love and affection. Provide your mother with reassurance and validation about how she is feeling. For example, when she becomes angry or upset you can say, ”Mom, I understand why you would be upset, it will get better” or “I know you are mad, how about we go for a walk outside?“ If you find she remains argumentative, leave the room, collect your thoughts and return a few minutes later. Most importantly, adjusting the way in which you communicate with her will improve the odds that she will understand you better, enjoy the discussion, and avoid any bad reactions.
Dear Marlena
I am so sorry to hear about the difficulties you are experiencing. It is very hard when you are doing things to make someone safe that involves making decisions you know they will not like. In the short term there is no way to avoid your Mothers wrath. You have to remember that you made the decisions for all the right reasons and that you did give your mother some other options that would have provided her with a safe environment.
If my experiences as a nurse is anything to go by I think you will find that within a short time she will settle down. The AFA Social services have made some very good suggestions to contact her doctor to see if he/she can both assess and make some suggestion to help the transition.
I suggest you contact the staff at the assisted living facility. They will have come across similar situations before. I am sure they will help you and your mother with the move.
Good Luck
Christine
Thank you for your reply. I was informed this morning that my mother's "wrath" over her current placement and the sale of her household goods has been focused on me. I guess that I am glad that I know what to expect. I think that I will contact the social worker at the facility to inquire whether it would be helpful for her to discuss the situation with my mother prior to my visit. Thank you again for the helpful suggestion.
I understand completely what you are going through because our mothers sound as if they could have been "cut from the same cloth"!! Like you, I bore the brunt of her personality. In my limited experience, dementia patients who were difficult to live with prior to the disease are down right impossible to live with after the disease grabs ahold of them. In my mom's case, she was hospitalized briefly for a stroke. By the grace of God, (I'm not a particularly religious person, but this was a miracle.) she agreed to sign herself into in impatient facility for brain diseases. Of course, once she got there she claimed she never signed herself in and had to be persuaded by myself and my brother for two hours before she finally agreed to stay. That facility was the turning point in my mother's life. She was there for 2 weeks. They figured out a medication regimen for her that is still in place two years. later. She is now a different person. Her extreme anger and unreasonableness has dissapated completely. We joke that she is nicer now than she ever was! She is NOT doped up. She is alert and happy. With their recommendation, my mom went from that impatient program to a locked down dementia unit. We see her every week and enjoy taking her out to eat. There is hope. The answer for us was in the correct medication. I wish you the very best.......I'm so sorry.
I wish I could think that my mother's problem was that she needed a different medication regimen. For the past few months she has focused her anger on various individuals--all of whom had tried to help her. I was informed this morning that I am now the focal point of her anger--pretty much as I had expected--even though my sister has explained that we made all decisions together. I am going to go up to help with her move to an assisted living facility next week, but am dreading the encounter. I will try to see her, but refuse to be drawn in to any kind of argument or discussion of her current situation as she is not rational. I hate to think that this is how my whole relationship with her will end--even though it has been a bumpy one all my life. I have done everything I can to try to be sure that she is in a safe place and happy and it has been at great expense--monetarily and emotionally. Unfortunately, I am at the point where I am feeling resentful of the effort.
Marlena,
My heart goes out to you. I am in a similar situation, caring for a father who has always been paranoid and abusive, traits only exacerbated by his dementia. What makes the job more difficult are well-meaning people who tell us how to deal with our relatives as if it was only the dementia making them that way and somehow just loving them will make it all better. I will tell you what my family and friends have told me repeatedly -- take care of yourself first. Walk away if the person becomes abusive. You have your mother in a place where she is well taken care of. You have done a great deal for her. Words of wisdom from my sister made me realize because of my father's personality he will never be grateful for all that I've done or get over his paranoid delusions. I can't rescue him but I can save myself from getting sucked into his delusional world and keep him from destroying my other relationships. Your mother may be like my father -- if she's always been like this it may be impossible for her to change -- and she probably, like my father, doesn't want to. You have to take care of yourself in this situation. Don't let her control your life with her bitterness and anger. (Now if I can only take my own advice...)
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Thank you for your insight. I am dreading the next encounter with her as I was told this morning that she has focused all her anger on me for her current placement and the disposition of her household goods although she has been told repeatedly that my sister and I made all decisions together. It is helpful to hope that she will not remember her anger, but also to know that it is not possible to try to discuss the situation rationally with her and that a "time out" will probably be the best alternative. Thanks again for the help.