Thank you for your response and taking the time to reply. She has made just a positive adjustment and the staff there really dote on her. She even told me how nice the staff was once in one of her lucid momments. She also commented on the cleanliness of the home. She has always been meticulous with her personal hygiene. She is a retired school teacher and many of her students have their parents there so people alway recognize her and stop to talk to her. Friends and people from her church visit regularly as well. We had to put her there because her husband who had been her caretaker passed away in August. He was diagnosed with cancer and died unexpectedly. He liked the home as well. We thought when he was diagnosed that he might get better so the home was located only a mile from where her house is. Both my husband and his brother live about 2 and Half hours but we can all visit at least once a week and call and talk to her and discuss any problems with the staff. She has a special table with a lot of nice ladies whom she eats with and her neighbor a hairdresser does her hair twice weekly. Her doctor who has treated her for over 40 years is there as well. It just doesnt make sense to move her just to accomodate the one son who is being difficult. He doesnt even work so he could easily drive down for the day as we do. We think it would cause her anxiety and stress. It was hard for her to adjust but know she is doing great. Any suggestions you have would be appreciated.

Vivian,

My father-in-law is in a home that is 2 hours drive away as well. It is a nice town that is the best one closer to us. There is a town that is 1 hour drive away only but it is not as famous in terms of the township and airport and etc. We moved my FIL from Chicago by flight last summer. He loves this new place.

I agree that 2 hours is not bad. I also want to say that it is best to keep her with her old friends and background/old home town so she gets to keep her best memory. We moved my FIL because he was too sick at home and needed to be moved to this nursing home to be near us (if he had to move to a home anyway so we moved him to be "near" us.)

Unless you find something super near your town, I think it is best to keep her there so she can be happy. The other option is to wait a little bit. Wait until she is very sick like being bedridden in the future, then you may consider to move her closer to your place since she will be very idle and may not know anyone or care about anything anymore. The worse scenario would be to have hospice in your town. But it may still cause stress. In the mean time, as long as she is happy and has friends and etc., she really should stay put as much as possible.

I heard that to move these elders for hospice or in later stage is more difficult/emotional, but I am not sure. If the elders are very sick/bedridden, everything else would not matter. But the familiar caregivers are still important.

Good luck,

NC

Vivian,

I don't know what her stage is so I really cannot say she should not be moved. It depends on her mental state and your situation in the family. If it is very important and easy to see her everyday in your town, it may be a plus so she can see her sons almost everyday. If she forgets a lot then it may be OK. e.g., my father-in-law no longer remembers his friends by default and he even hits on any lady now. It is meaningless for him to see old friends and the old friends didn't come to see him much anymore. One refused to talk to him on the phone saying he cannot carry meaningful conversation. One is able to continue to call him at times but he has no idea who she really is anymore. The family doctor in his old town was not very good so we were able to make better plan to move him to a better place.

It all depends on her state of mind. It also depends on the facility. Do they keep her for hospice? Do they keep her if she gets violent? Maybe she would have to move again, but no one can predict. Her son has a point because he wants to see her everyday. This is a plus too because I saw a sad husband came to feed his wife lunch in the nursing home everyday. If she is closer, you can see her everyday in later stage when she will be in a bad situation (not idle but confused.)

To be honest, if you have to move her, it is easier to move her now when she is mobile and happy. She may even be happier to see you guys everyday. It is up to the family. Maybe you guys need a meeting to find out what is going on.

Take care,

NC

The other alternative is that the son can move to your MIL's town temporarily to take care of her if it is his intention to see her often since he is retired. However that would be only one relative near her. But it may be good enough. It is ideal that she is with the whole family without moving, but life is not perfect. I know it is kind of feeling awkward that the family is not that close, but I am sure you and your family are doing the best you can.

Just a thought.

NC