Telling her "no" at this stage doesn't work. If you can say something like "you'll be seeing him soon." "Remember he loves you." and other things it may help. This is very difficult because in her mind she is married to your dad and she has little children. That is her reality. Changing the subject is good, but it doesn't last. However, that and letting her know that he loves her and she'll soon see her may help.

Did he travel? You may have to go so far as to invent a story "He's seeing grandma now, since she's been sick, but he'll be home soon." You have to go with your gut and the understanding of where she is mentally.

The move to the nursing home was necessary, but any change in environment is difficult and can temporarily or permanently send someone with dementia further down the road. She would have gotten there anyway. It's just that the change hastened it.

Go with your gut and kindness, and then just be as patient as you can. Let her vent, try to reassure her, and change the subject if you can. Then expect it all to happen again. That is the nature of the disease.

Blessings,

Carol

Although your situation sounds complex, it is not atypical. In fact, having a loved one view the present as though it were the past, and refuse to accept reality despite presented “evidence” is extremely common for many individuals with Alzheimer’s disease. As a loving caregiver, it is understandable that you would want to take many approaches to reorient your mother and help familiarize her with her surroundings. However, the disease process takes over the brain in such a way that it is often difficult, if not impossible, for her to follow through on your efforts. On the bright side, there are a number of interventions you could use to help her through these tough moments. If your mother mentions the girls and dad, allow her to have this conversation with you. Try your best to fight the urge of proving her otherwise or not responding as a way of getting her to forget she asked in the first place. Consider the fact that she is bringing up these memories because, most likely, this was a very happy time for her and she is simply reliving it for herself to brighten up her days. Since much of what caregivers can do to help individuals with dementia is increase quality of life, do whatever you find necessary to keep her smiling and engaged. Go along with her questions by simply reaffirming that you understand she misses them, and turn the questions back on her by asking what her favorite memory was. If she wants to know about their whereabouts, you can simply say that you aren’t sure, but know that she misses them and wants to see them real soon. Once you have validated her feelings, pose a few questions about what she would like to do once they return. This can also be the perfect opportunity to say “Remember that time you took dad and the girls to the zoo? The girls had so much fun feeding the giraffes. Wasn’t that a great time?” Using techniques such as these will reduce sadness, frustrat ion, or any trauma that might otherwise ensue by disregarding the question or reminding her of her husband’s death. Just remember that staying positive and supportive is your best bet, and use any opportunity to reflect on better times to make her days as happy as they could be.