Dear Sandy

I think caregiving is more difficult if the parent who has moved in is not your blood relative. I cared for my father for over two years after he moved into our home. I loved him a lot, but it was very difficult at times. My husband and daughter found it more intrusive than I because they did not have the same common childhood history and the depth of attachment common between father/mother and daughter/son.

I would like to make a couple of suggestions based on things we did that helped make the situation easier:
Create a bed sitting room for her so she can spend a lot of time doing the things she likes. Treat it as you would her home and encourage her to live as independently as possible. Tell your husband it is very important for his mother to keep up with the skills she has when someone has dementia and that doing things for her will only contribute to deterioration. 
Get your husband, her son, to take her out on a regular basis without you. This gives you more time to do your own things.
Keep up your social activities and friendships.
Think about regular respite care so you and your husband can still travel.
Think about day care placement for one or two days if you continue to find it too stressful.

My father died last year and we all miss him a lot. We are all pleased we worked our way through the difficult times together.

Hope this helps
Christine

Sandy

9/25/11 11:26pm

Christine,

Thank you so much for your suggestions. I have been talking to my husband about resuming our social lives. He reminds me that this is only temporary until we find someone to stay with her.  Our situation is unique in that having recently relocated to our current area, most of our friends are a 3 hour drive away. It was no problem prior to my mother in law's arrival. We would hop in the motor home and take off.

Our plan when she came was to have her sleep in one bedroom and use the bedroom next to it as her private sitting room. She, however, asked to move to the bedroom in front of the house so she could see outside. In the rooms we planned for her, she would have had the motorhome as her view.  I have really come to grips with some of my feelings since sending my first message. I know we're doing what we have to do. I just have to use wisdom in making it work for all of us.

Thank you again.  I found so much comfort in reading your response.

Sandy

Carol Bradley Bursack, Health Guide

9/26/11 8:59am

Hi Sandy,

As you are finding out, it's a process. You do need respite time so please look into occasional agency care so you and your husband can get time alone. But yes, this is temporary. Talking with other caregivers helps. Don't expect to be thrilled at all times. You aren't a bad person for having negative thoughts.

Please keep in touch. We'd love to be kept posted on your journey, and you will likely find comfort in reading what others go through.

Blessings,

Carol

Sandy

9/26/11 5:19pm

You are absolutely correct Carol.  I found so much comfort in reading the responses to my inquiry.  Thank you for your concern.  I will make updated postings.

Sandy

Sandy

10/ 3/11 12:08am

Thank you Christine for your advice and suggestions.  I have been after my husband to take his mom to the senior centers to meet, and interact with, other seniors. He was supposed to do this weeks ago, however it has not yet materialized. I continue to stress to him, it's not so much his mom being here, but how he is handling it that's causing my problem.  In the past few days he seems to finally get the message.  We had a date night last night.  I know he loves his mom and I support him in taking care of her.  I just know we also need to take care of "us".

Christine Kennard, Health Guide

10/ 3/11 11:56am

Hi Sandy

 

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I am pleased he is responding to your prompts! All too often men see the caregiving role as women’s one! But it is his mother and I do think it is important he understands that his role should be a more active one. It sounds like you have got your message across so thats great.

 

It is a big commitment but it is so good if you can support your mother in law and let her stay in your house. Give the arrangement a few months. See how you feel then.

 

All my best wishes

Christine

Christine Kennard, Health Guide

10/ 3/11 12:13pm

Hi Sandy

 

Sorry about my last reply. My mistake ment all the coding went onto the screen! Apoligies

 

I am pleased your husband is responding to your prompts! All too often men see the caregiving role as women’s one!  But it is his mother and I do think it is important he understands that his role should be a more active one. It sounds like you have got your message across so thats great.

It is a big commitment but it is so good if you can support your mother in law and let her stay in your house. It is very hard at times, especially at first. Give the arrangement a few months. See how you feel then.

 All my very best wishes to you

Christine

Hi Sandy,

This is good progress. Making the move is hard, but once your mother-in-law is moved in and adjusted, she will be more resistent to change. She hasn't been there long - so now is the time, even if she balks a bit. I hope you find a very nice facility where you can visit often. For some people, respite care works well. For others settling into one place works better. Whatever you do, there will likely be some complaints. Be compassionate, but strong in your decision (unless you doubt the facility).

These transitions are hard on everyone.

Take care,

Carol