events, just that she continues asking us where is my dad, I fill her in details every time she asks me, is this more painful? at times she sobs very little! what is the right approach, it tears me apart! I cry out of the room every time, she is calm the whole time! what is the best thing to do please help me, please...
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Q: My father's funeral was yesterday, my mother with ALzheimers, was informed, & was involved in all
Answers (3)
11/19/08 4:56pm
My heart goes out to you. I had to tell my mother every day that my dad had died. She had dementia, but part of it was denial. She didn't want to believe it. So, I'd have to tell her again and again. It was awful.
Please understand that there's not much you can do but be gentle and keep telling her. Try to reassure her that he's in a "better place" if that fits with her beliefs. At the very least, you can tell her he's "out of pain" or whatever seems positive. It's the truth and it will help soften the blow.
This is likely harder on you than on your mother, but it does feel to you like you are opening the wound for her over and over. Yet, she needs to hear it. Eventually, it will sink in and/or she will forget about him, which is painful for you, too.
Often, this leads to the death of a spouse closely following one another. My mother lasted another five months. I do believe that they can die of a broken heart, or that they just figure it's time to "follow". Of course, they are in poor health, anyway, but as the news sinks in that their spouse has died, many do follow. I am not saying this to make you sad, but to prepare you that this is a possibility.
It doesn't always happen. Some people move on and forget the pain. Whichever way it goes, this is a horribly hard time for you. Please try to take care of yourself,
Carol
11/17/08 12:14pm
Dear Daisy,
I am so sorry that you lost your father. You have my condolences.
It is hard for your mother to see this. Has her mind become irrational and forgetful at this stage? If she is not able to understand what happened, then she is not able to really grieve like the rest of you because her mind is sick. It is not that she does not care about her late husband. Depending on the stage she is in, if it is early stage, explaining it may help, but if she cannot remember what happened, you just have to distract her by saying he is not here. It is sad that you would not be able to explain to her what happened if her mind is not as good as before. Sometimes instead of explaing so much that hurts yourself, you can just distract her by saying he is not here and ask her if you can help her to do what your Dad used to do for her.
My father-in-law has severe ALzheimers and he lost his late wife in 2004. At that time I think he had early Alzheimers but it didn't get diagnosed until 2006. He was able to remember the death and was sad. However, we felt he was a little odd because he didn't want to give her funeral and didn't really care so much about what to do about her. Just keep her urn at home by the flower pots and he kept asking when the date was when she passed away. He was only concerned about himself and now I realized he had early Alzheimers already. At times he forgot about the death but most of the time he knows. Unfortunately he now longs for a mate because he is lonely. But he can no longer has a mate due to his severe Alzheimers.
In your mother's case, I think you can only distract her and help her. Don't expect her to feel like you do. It does not mean she is not suffering. Being alone for her is bad enough given her Alzheimers. Explaing too much only hurts yourself because she will forget about it in the future. In a way it seems better for them to forget about what happened so they would not feel very very sad. Yet they are lonely because of the death. The family need to do things to help her feel loved and not alone. It is sad but for Alzheimer's patients, they cannot deal with it or feel the same like the rest of us anymore. I do believe they really miss their spouses because I see that my father-in-law is still suffering from the loss of his wife and is very lonely.
Again, I am sorry for your loss, please feel free to use this group to share with us your thoughts!
Take care,
Nina
11/29/08 7:10pm
Daisy,
I am so sorry for your loss. I know how difficult it must be to be coping with the loss of your dad and trying to help your mother too. I have worked in activities and social services in long term care for over 10 years. I believe from everything I've seen and learned in those ten years that it is better to not continually tell your mother that your father has died. Since she has Alzheimer's and doesn't remember, it is a fresh mourning each time you tell her. I feel it is far better to offer reassurance to her. Depending on her level of dementia, you may be able to distract her by saying your dad had something he had to do and will be back later. You might also try having her talk about the good memories from the past with your dad. This will help take her mind off thefact that he is not there now. Try to involve her in activities that she would normally do to keep her active and her mind occupied. Distraction is always a better option than to tell a painful truth over and over. Ask yourself what benefit does she receive when you tell her that your dad is gone. Does she stop asking for him? Does it provide reassurance that he is all right or that she is all right? Hopefully as time goes by, she will ask for him less. That is the only blessing of Alzheimer's. They do forget people and things as time goes by.
I don't mean to sound harsh. I know that you are having a really difficult time. You are mourning yourself for the loss of your dad. When I taught classes on dementia for our staff, I would ask them how their 10 year old child would feel if someone told the child they were dead. That would really hit home with the staff because often people with dementia will want to see their mom, dad, husband or someone else who has passed on. Staff would always want to remind our residents that the person they were looking for was dead. But when they thought of how it would feel to be a child and learn that your parent was dead, it helped them to gain more sensitivity for our residents. Often the person with dementia is in a place in their mind where they are reliving childhood or another time. This is why they constantly ask to see someone. It really helps to provide reassurance and comfort them. I hope this helps some. God bless you and your family.
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By daisy— Last Modified: 12/24/10, First Published: 11/17/08
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