My mother has shown signs of some memory loss over the last couple of years. However, in the last 8mths or so, it has rapidly changed. She forgets things that are told to her (within minutes), forgets phone calls she has made, and seems to struggle with the concept of time (how long ago things occurred). We believe she may have Alzheimers and needs evaluation. We have "gently" suggested issues with her memory and she is very defensive and denies how bad her memory is. How can we approach her and voice our concerns? We have met with her PCP and discussed our concerns. My mother was referred to a neurologist and dismissed the appointment as a waste of time. She has since changed PCP and we are back to square one. Please help with any suggestions. We would greatly appreciate any advice.
- Introduction
- Diagnosis
- Treatment
- Prevention
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Caregiving
- Coping with Emotional Changes
- Coping with Memory Loss
- Costs and Insurance
- Creating a Daily Routine
- Exercise
- Health and Wellbeing of the Caregiver
- Home Safety Adjustments
- Mental Exercises
- Respite Care
- Talking to Children about Alzheimer's
- Talking to Friends about Alzheimer's
- Telling Someone They Have Alzheimer's
- Transition to Assisted Living
- Transition to Nursing Home
- Work
- Related Conditions
- Resources
Q: How do I approach telling my mother she may signs of Alzheimer's?
Dear Concerned daughter
You are in a difficult, but not uncommon, situation. Her doctor had refered her to a neurologist so must be concerned about her memory loss. There are, as you are probably aware, many different diseases and conditions that cause her symptoms. She urgently needs to be diagnosed so that the best treatment can be given. Many causes of memory loss are reversable.
You say she has recently changed her PCP (Primary care provider) does that include her doctor? Did she do that to delay or avoid the situation. If she did then it would indicate she is fearful about the outcome. Would she go see someone if you said you would go with her?
The main thing you can do is to encourage and support her.
Christine
Dear Concerned daughter
You are in a difficult, but not uncommon, situation. Her doctor had refered her to a neurologist so must be concerned about her memory loss. There are, as you are probably aware, many different diseases and conditions that cause her symptoms. She urgently needs to be diagnosed so that the best treatment can be given. Many causes of memory loss are reversable.
You say she has recently changed her PCP (Primary care provider) does that include her doctor? Did she do that to delay or avoid the situation. If she did then it would indicate she is fearful about the outcome. Would she go see someone if you said you would go with her?
The main thing you can do is to encourage and support her.
Christine
It's not uncommon for elders to change doctors when they don't like what they hear. I agree with Christine that offering to go with her is important.
It's possible that she has a friend who likes his or her doctor, so maybe you can convince her to see that particular doctor. Whoever she sees should be told about her memory loss and the rapid changes, even if you have to write a letter.
If you talk to her about the many different things that can cause her symptoms -including some medications she may now be taking, or an infection such as a UTI, she may be more willing to see the doctor, with you in tow.
Good luck,
Carol
Thanks so much for your imput Carol. The suggestion that it may be related to medications or a UTI is a GREAT idea. We were trying to think of other conditions she may deem important enough to see her doctor about. The doctor who she is seeing now is a wonderful caregiver and I would hate to see her continue to switch. My sister and I have planned to discuss this situation with him and see if he can offer any other suggestions or comments. Thanks again!
Broaching the subject of Alzheimer's disease, or memory loss, can be a challenging task. For many, the idea of being diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease can trigger myriad emotions, such as fear, anxiety, or even grief, so avoiding such a conversation may be a defense mechanism of sorts. Further, for some individuals, taking part in such a conversation just may not be possible because the disease may have already impaired judgment and memory. You may not be able to rationalize with your mother regarding visiting the doctor. However, your concerns for your mother are valid, and addressing this matter with her will require a great deal of sensitivity and care, and perhaps some creativity. It is important to understand that memory troubles, confusion, mood swings, changes in personality, difficulty completing certain tasks, and difficulty finding the correct words could be symptoms related to the early signs of Alzheimer's disease, but could also be caused by a number of other medical or psychiatric problems. It's possible that by explaining to your mother that her symptoms could be the result of another underlying issue, she would be more willing to visit the doctor. Also, keep in mind that sometimes hearing these types of concerns from one's child (no matter how old they may be) can be hard to take, so perhaps consider having a trusted friend, neighbor, or even a member of the clergy speak to your mother. You may also want to consider offering your mother to go to the doctor in conjunction with another activity, such as lunch or visiting a museum. Associating visiting the doctor with a more pleasant event can be helpful in making your mother feel safe. However you approach your mother, it is imperative for her to feel supported and encouraged during this difficult time. And the most important thing is for her to obtain a full examination and a proper diagnosis.
Thank you so very much for the advice and information. It is comforting to know that there are resources available to help us during this difficult time. Having any suggestions and being educated on Alzheimers will definitely help my sister and I make good choices when approaching my mother. Thanks so much!
Everyone has good advice here. I just want to add that the person with dementia will not admit that he/she has the condition. My FIL is 91 with severe stage of Alzheimer's. In the beginning in 2006 he denied that he had alzheimer's even given the diagnosis by the expert. He failed the memory test. He understands that he has memory problem but refused to admit he has Alzheimer's, the fatal disease.
As a former ER doctor in his home country, he thought he would know.
This does not mean that your Mom should not get diagnosed by the specialist. The doctor can tell you if she needs aricept and etc. It helps to get diagnosed. But be creative and tricky/diplomatic. She will not admit that she has a problem. You have to cope with it. It is not like a problem that can be resolved once she admits and cooperates. She won't. This is part of dementia. The person with dementia will not be able to understand her own problems. She will behave strangely due to dementia.
In other words, don't fix on telling her she has Alzheimer's (you can try to tell her and see how she reacts. If she gets mad, stop it.) You can go around tell her please take this med. for memory problem. No need to remind her the diagnosis. It will upset her anyway.
Good luck,
NC
Hi, Concerned Daughter,
We went through this exact same scenario with my mother. At that point, she didn't trust my dad because he pointed out her memory loss, but she did trust me. So I had a long conversation with her, reminding her in a kind and caring way that she had mentioned several times that she was having trouble with her memory to me. I knew that Mom was worried about Alzheimer's (since her side of the family has a tendency toward dementia) so I took the conversation in a slightly different area by pointing out that we didn't know what was causing her memory loss and, because of that, we couldn't get a treatment prescribed tht would stop whatever was causing it.
So based on this exerience, here's what I'd suggest:
- Don't have the family gang up on her.
- Remind her gently that she is having memory loss.
- Acknowledge her fear of what may be behind the memory loss.
- Point out to her that her memory loss may not be Alzheimer's disease.
- Tell her that unless doctors come up with a diagnosis, treatments won't be available to slow or stop the memory loss.
- Tell her that you'll be with her as a support as will the rest of her family members and friends.
- You may have to repeat this conversation several times since she may forget it. However, if you do have to repeat it, you'll have the additional help of seeing her reactions to any of these comments so you can continue to tailor the conversation in such a way to get her buy-in.
I hope this helps!
Take care and keep us posted!
Dorian
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Thank you so much for your advice. I think she is considering changing her doctor again precisely because she is fearful of the outcome. I think her current doctor has also raised concerns with her memory and she doesn't want to face the possibilities. I will offer to go with any of her appointments and hopefully she will feel better with someone there. My sister and I are going to have a conversation with Mom in a loving, supportive way and hope she will be open to our concerns for her. Thanks again Christine.