Tuesday, July 01, 2008 Jymmie asks

Q: How do I deal with close friend's dementia when he tells everyone something different?

My close friend of many years (age 55) has dementia. He seems to tell the people he is with at the time one story and others something different. He appears to be very sincere regardless of who is talking to. He doesn't seem to realize that we all talk to one another.

His partner says that I should "call him on it" every time. This seems harsh to me. But he hurts a lot of people because of what we now refer as "lying". Is he really lying or is this the dementia and something at least partially out of his control? How do I deal with this?

Thank you for any information you can give.

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Answers (6)

Christine Kennard, Health Guide

7/ 2/08 2:28pm

Hi jymmie

It is certainly very possible that your friend is confabulating, in other words, plugging gaps in his memory to compensate for fragmented memories. He is not lying and would not be aware of what he is doing. It is not malicious, simply a way of the brain managing the gaps.

This is all based on an assumption about his mental state. Confabulation is a characteristic of early stage dementia.

Christine

windrivereagle

7/ 3/08 8:37pm

Hi Jymmie,

My husband is in the late 2nd stage of the disease. I speak the truth to him. If he asks me, as he often does, if I see the white kitty (we don't have a cat), I tell him I don't. If he gets agitated when I tell him the truth, I remind him he was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. Sometimes it is painful to tell my husband the truth--such as when I remind him he no longer works and is medically retired, but I personally believe the truth is best.

Carol Bradley Bursack, Health Guide

7/ 5/08 5:28pm

My mother used to appear perfectly normal, yet tell a different angle on the same story to every person she saw. Many people thought I was the one with a problem, since I said my mother had dementia, and they couldn't "see it." Yet, had they visited with her more than once a month, they would have figured it out quickly.

People with dementia aren't lying. Depending on the stage they are in, they are painfully aware of the gaps in their memory and trying to cover by filling in with whatever seems to fit (Mom was a genius at this), or they are no longer aware of their memory problem and just telling their reality as it is at the moment. They are telling their truth.

In my opinion, it is only hurtful to "call them on it." This is not an attempt to decieve for the purpose of gain. People who do this are just trying to figure out how to live with the condition they find themselves in and trying to make sense of the world as they see it.

If someone else is hurt by what is said, try to take that person aside and explain the situation. Most people are compassionate enough to at least try to understand. Some may doubt that you know what you are talking about, so get used to that. All you can do is try.

Carol

Sandy

11/21/09 12:50pm

You pretty much described our 86 yr. old mom that lives with us. The only difference is she is aware she is not telling the truth. She is a dry alcoholic and quite good at lies. As you know, the line of when is it dementia and when is it just her can blur at times as our Mom is a 'genius' at filling the gaps. People that see her once a month think she is such a 'sweet, funny lady' but the truth is she is like a time bomb, ready to explode if the least little thing is not going her way. She has been a control freak all her life that has never been able to have control. She has been violent toward me which did not last long. Violence as never been in our home and never will. I am determined to love her unconditionally but I really do not like her. Physically she is very healthy but wants me to do every thing for her; more like the slave mentality thing which, if I were to do such, she would end up in a wheel chair and unable to button her own blouse or feed herself. Awww, dementia.....what a trip! We live with an 86 yr. old who is a precious 6 yr. old one day, a not nice teenager another day, and strong healthy 86 yr. old some days; other days . . . . only her pet bird knows LOL:) Sandy

letting it go

8/29/08 3:58pm

I haven't been through the lying but have been through the asking of the same question several times within minutes. I think you and your "friends" are in denial and don't understand that your close friend is telling, as the one expert below said, his truth.

Compassion, understanding and accepting reality will greatly reduce everyones' stress and let them enjoy each others' company. And if his friends truly understand, the only hurt comes about because they remember how he was and are comparing that to how he is.

Good luck:)

lynn

8/29/08 5:32pm

My gran went through confabulation. I was confused at first and could not understand it. I spoke to a therapist and she pointed out, like other people here have, that people with this disease need to fill in the gaps.

The therapist told me NOT to challenge the stories. The therapist said to do that will only cause the person to have to come up with something else. Cause they need to fill that gap in with something.

Katie

9/ 2/08 9:00am

Hi Jymmie. I have worked with a lot of Alzheimer's and dementia patients. And even though dementia is a very individual disease, this is a very common occurance. We have to remember that their brains are not like ours and no longer function the same. In his mind, he may not be lying but might be speaking what he feels is the truth at the time. Or is plugging in words or sentences because he doesn't what to say at that time. Through my experience and trainings I have had with the Alzheimer's Association, it is ok to let him talk this way. If you try to correct him or state the truth is it upsetting to him? If so, then refrain from doing so. As caregivers, agreeing with him or telling our own fibs can be therapeutic for him. We want to avoid making him feel frustrated, angry, or sad because he may truly not realize that he is not telling the truth. Remember, people with dementia often have a very different reality and sometimes we have to step into their world to see and understand them and this disease.

Sandy

11/21/09 1:00pm

The ones of us loving and living with those with dementia have a very different reality too. I can not believe you are suggesting we all 'just fib' to be therapeutic for them. I have a problem with not telling the truth. Moral Ethics? WOW! Great! Working with an Alzheimer, dementia patients is not the same as living with them. You wake up with them, eat you meals with them, love them. You do not lie to your family. I understand your stance; you are in a 'work environment'. Come stay on our couch for a few days.

Carol Bradley Bursack, Health Guide

11/21/09 1:56pm

Most of us have lived with the people who have the disease, though some work with it professionally. How to handle upsetting questions, such as repeatedly asking where a mate is when the mate has died, is something most caregivers have to take a day at a time. The stage of the disease makes a difference, too.

Also, some people feel strongly, as you do, that you need to tell the absolute truth throughout all of the stages, and that is fine. Others feel that as the ability to understand and remember the world as the rest of us see it receeds, going with the flow works best. Every person with the disease is different and every caregiver is different. So are family dynamics.

I'm glad you've found what works for you. It's tough for everyone, so we all feel our way along.

Take care,

Carol

Q: How do I deal with close friend's dementia when he tells everyone something different?

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