This is one of the hardest things we deal with. Not everyone agrees with me, but I think there is a point (and your instincts are telling your this) that a "therapeutic lie" is kinder than the hard truth when they must grieve over and over. Telling her he is on a trip but that she will see him soon, that he loves her and wants the best care for her, etc. may help. Each day will be different, so each time you will have to go with your gut. Many of us have been there, so we are with you in our hearts.

Carol

scotchie42

11/17/09 4:09pm

Thank you Carol. Thank you, thank you.

Gloria

6/12/12 11:14am

We are dealing with the same issue with our mother. We all agreed to tell her he is working  because when she ask again she has forgotten that we said that already. I think it is easier on her than to tell her he is dead and have her get all upset. I guess there are no correct answers on how to handle this but just do the best we can. I love my mother and am taking as good a care as possible so I don't have any guilt about telling her "lies".

 

Carol Bradley Bursack, Health Guide

6/12/12 11:21am

Hi Gloria,

You are right - there's not a perfect answer. However, you can judge from how your mom reacts. It sounds to me like you've figured it out. Caregiving is often very hard. "Lies" that save a loved one with dementia unnecessary grief are not lies - they are therpeutic, um, fibs : ) Whatever we want to label them, they are okay.

Blessings,

Carol

NC

6/12/12 12:16pm

It depends on her stage. If she is not so sick yet, then she will know about her husband. Sometimes the family tells the person the truth and sees how she reacts. Sometimes if she is too sick, the family can just distract her. My FIL knew his late wife died so we didn't lie about it but lately given severe stage, we don't talk about the late wife and he forgot about it as well. There is a real story when the son told the father that his wife/the son's Mom just died in the other room in the same nurisng home, the father was depressed and died right afterwards since the father was sick as well. Sometimes if the death is very close, the spouse may follow as well. So be careful about telling the truth. It really varies from person to person.

 

Regards,

NC

Grieving can be difficult for anyone who has suffered a significant loss, producing emotions and feelings such as sadness, anger or hopelessness.  An individual can display shock or disbelief regarding the loss.  It is important to keep in mind, that although your mother is forgetting, she may still experience these feelings, even though it was many years ago.  Reviewing the details of your father’s death may be too difficult for your mother to cope with regardless of her diagnosis.  Each moment she is aware of the fact that her husband has died, she could become upset as if it is the first time she is hearing this terrible news.  Aside from the loss, it is possible she is feeling insecure without him present, so it is essential she know there are people who will care for her in his absence.

The next time your mother is asking for your father, you can redirect her to a better state of mind by distracting her with something positive.  As opposed to telling her he is on a trip, you should consider examples such as “I know you miss dad, tell me about your favorite time with him” or “I miss dad too and I know he knows you love him.  I promise he would never abandon you.”  Another technique is to use photos such as from their wedding or other family event and reflect on past happy memories together.  These are valuable techniques that will allow your mother to feel comforted and hopefully ease any anxiety.  In addition, these ways will allow her to reminisce, while also providing her with the relief and reassurance needed related to his loss.

scotchie42

11/17/09 4:19pm

I am going to try and tell mom that pop loves her and I know they will be together soon. If she forces the issueI don't know where I will tell her that he is.

My predicament is magnified by the fact that my mom and pop were NEVER seperated for the 50+ years that they were married, except for the 4 years that pop served in the Army overseas during WWII.

I know that if I tell her that is is off working somewhere, she is just going to want me to take her to him.

I guess I will come up with something.