My Dad has Alzheimers and lives by himself. I think he needs to go into a facility.
Dad lives by himself. About 2 years ago it started with him not wanting to be around us at all. Then we learned he was hallucinating. He was actually shooting at the people he saw. (He lived on 30 acres at that time.) The people were touching his stuff so he packed all his knick knacks away. He actually heard the sound as their car drove away. I called Adult Protective Services for help and they made home visits, but 2 case workers said there was nothing they could do to help us (they saw the bullet holes in the wall, the rotting food in the fridge, and the 2x4s holding up the ceiling in multiple places in the house, he had no running water because he said he did not owe the water bill). Finally he decided to move to get away from the people. Long story - but I ended up helping him buy a house in a neighborhood convenient for Mom and I to watch him and took his guns into protective custody. He also was not paying his bills - and got turned into bill collectors.
My Mom and he are married but they live apart (Dad has always been hard to live with but Mom did not want to divorce him - we live in Texas so it's legal). Dad signed full medical and durable power of attorney to Mom and I both so we could help with his finances. However, he thinks I am stealing his money, he thinks he has no money, etc. Most times he cannot remember my name. He depends on Mom for a lot. But behind her back he tells people she is after his money.
So that all being said he still drives which scares me but I don't know how to take away his license. It's going to be awful. I have more stories but.... I am so scared he's going to hurt someone or himself. Dad's a disabled vet and there seems to be a facility near the VA hospital in Temple that has an Alzheimers care ward. Mom and I are going to go visit it soon. Mom's feeling terrible about thinking about sending him to a facility and thinks maybe she could move in with him. I told her it might be dangerous considering the hallucinations.
I am also worried about all the financial stuff of him going into a facility. It's hard to get an answer from the VA. I want to make sure Mom's finances are ok.
I have an appointment with an attorney tomorrow. I am so confused about what to do. I keep hoping for a one stop shop that gives me all the answers. I was hoping the VA would come thru. That some stranger will say - "I am sorry - your Dad has to go into a facility" and it won't be Mom and I making that choice. And then we are just there for him and we say I am sorry and we love you and we do whatever we can to make him more comfortable. Does that make sense?
I am so happy I found this website. I am so tired of this emotional roller coaster. thank you!
Hi and welcome SharonRuth,
I'm so glad you are seeing an attorney about your dad. I'm surprised and frustrated by the social services response. You've done everything right. It's too bad your Mom isn't divorced from him (for her finances) but maybe if they are legally separated that will help. An attorney can figure this out.
Your mom could be in danger if she moved in with him. You've got that pegged. Please convince her not to if you can. The attorney may be able to help get him into the VA facility for Alzheimer's. Of course he will fight this all the way. But if he gets proper medication, that could help him some. However, for his safety and the safety of others, he needs to be in a facility. Then, you can monitor his care, and if you aren't satisfied, you can look around if he needs to be moved.
Good luck with the attorney. You are an angel. Please keep coming back for support and friendship.
Carol
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SharonRuth
Friday, August 07, 2009 at 08:50 AM
Carol Bradley Bursack
Friday, August 07, 2009 at 08:59 AM
I'm so happy for you, Sharon! Most of the VA people really do care, but some agencies are overwhelmed. You are making progress.
Please do not feel guilty (I know, easier said than done) about helping your dad (and others) stay safe. You and your mom are doing the right thing. You seem to have the right attorney, and are taking the right steps.
Now, work on yourselves. Pat yourselves on the back for being such caring people and taking care of a difficult situation for everyone's benefit.
I'm delighted your mother won't lose out with this. Congratulations for a job well - started: ) You;ll continue on and face difficult decisions with the same courage and love.
Blessings,
Carol
SharonRuth
Tuesday, August 11, 2009 at 08:49 PM
Emotional roller coaster ride. I was so happy yesterday. Mom and I visited the veterans home and it was wonderful!! Clean, nice, smelled good, safe, smiling staff. They seem to really care. He's on a waiting list. Worse case $2200 a month - best case nothing. That is all good news.
Bad news is we cannot make him go and we do have to file for legal guardianship. We did not want to have to do it.
Bad news. VA came today and met with Dad - they got there early - before Mom did. Dad told the guy he pays all his bills - takes care of it all, etc. Mom shows up and the guy says - we are appointing someone to pay his bills. We are setting up a special checking account and his VA check will go into it and we will manage it. What's left over we will put into a savings account. Told my Mom she's the "estranged wife." Well - who is taking Dad to the dentist for a follow up for his dentures? We just got all his bills set up to pay on-line - and we let Dad think he's paying them. Now Dad is all upset and confused. This is how the VA helps? It was the guys attitude that ticked off Mom. Poor Dad. His mental state was not that great and now he's so upset - calling Mom and saying - I want you to help me. It's just awful. They could have handled this so much better. They are gone now and we are left with Dad's mental state. I hope nothing bad happens but I pray for that every day.
This is really hard because we don't know the rules. Who to turn to for help! oh the VA guy said they don't honor guardianships. So, are we wasting Dad's money? or is that just for finances? I am calling tomorrow. Pray for me - I don't want to have an attitude. I just want to take care of my Dad and my Mom during their senior years. It should be a happy time, not so stressful. Thanks for listening - I know I am rambling.
Carol Bradley Bursack
Wednesday, August 12, 2009 at 07:34 AM
I am so sorry you are going through this with the VA. A lot depends on who you get. I had an expeience I tried to clear up after my dad's death (it started before, but took so long) and their response left me feeling like I'd been kicked in the stomach. I nearly vomited. The injustice was so disgusting. But he was dead by then, so I left it. It still left a bitter taste in my mouth, but I've had to let it go. It does me no good to harbor the bad feelings.
Sometimes, to get the funding you need to go along, but it's frustrating and hard. And your dad is all the more confused. Getting guardianship will help, but that, too, is a long road. You are in my heart.
Blessings,
Carol
SharonRuth
Monday, November 16, 2009 at 09:59 PM
Well we finally got Legal Guardianship and a day later a Veterans Home (state nursing home for vets) decided to try us out. God had a plan. We took Dad there but we were not completely forthright about him staying. He would not have gone. They are not equipped to deal with people resistant to stay and almost did not admit him. I begged. They said they would but he might have to go to a psych ward at a VA Hospital until meds if he did not cooperate. I prayed and prayed. He never got violent but wanted to go home badly. 6 days later he still carries around the bag I packed him. (of course he has more clothes we sent) And they have not sent him to the VA hospital! Praise God!! We have to wait a few weeks to see him. He won't take meds - but they sneak it in ice cream and applesauce. Still feeling guilty some yet relieved. I thought I would be happier right now he's safe and in a great place. Did not expect to feel so guilty! But doing ok overall. thanks for your support - it means a lot. sharon
There is a website called A Place For Mom that is extremely helpful.
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Thank you Carol!!! Turns out we may be ok! I heard it's REALLY hard to get the VA to respond but I know they like to take care of their vets. I am praying that God send me to the right person. Also, in Texas there is some type of rules to protect my Mom's homestead and that she is sure to have enough money to live on when Dad goes into a facility. Today I am researching the VA nursing home facilities once again. I want him to be comfortable and not too far away. It's going to be a huge change, of course. Mom and I are trying to get over the guilt. Doing the right thing is not easy.
Also under the circumstances - we can apply for Guardianship - and the attorney thinks it will be easy (the law part - not the emotional part) - and we can do what we need to do.
Thanks for caring!!!!! sharon