Saturday, October 22, 2011 concerned daughter asks

Q: My dad was a recovering alcoholic for 30 years, but now he has Alzheimers and since my mom died almost a year ago, he has started to drink again. He hides it and lies to us about it. We need help!

We feel like we need to deal with the drinking before we can deal with the alzheimers because it is just making him worse. He is slipping fast in his memory and functioning, and he still lives alone and refuses to admit that he may need assisted living or some kind of in home help. He also still drives; but only to the store and to church. No night driving or out of town driving after two escapades where he got lost and ended up hundreds of miles from where he was going! My sister and I feel helpless because the doctors don't give us any advice or guidance about what to do. They tell Dad what he shouldn't do, but he forgets that before we are out of the office. Any advice would be appreciated!

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Answers (2)

10/22/11 12:52pm

I am very sorry that your Dad is now drinking again. How old is he? He definitely needs to have someone nearby to watch him now. I don't know about the stage but he will get worse slowly and at some point he will need full-time caregiver or even 24 hours care later on and eventually he will go to a NH for dementia.

The worst part is to make sure he is safe right now. He cannot drive anymore - you don't want to wait for accidents to happen? You need to prevent it. Do anything to take away his driver's license.

A doctor is not a caregiver - it is not his job to tell you how to caregiver your Dad.

You need to call up a home care co. and ask for help. They will have advice for you on how to take care of him.
If one of you sisters is POA for him, you need to use all the tricks to make sure he is under your care and does not wander out and get lost and etc. Of course he won't let you help because he will never admit he has problems.

We used tricks to remove my FIL's old car that was broken somehow. We were lucky he listened to the doctor and didn't take another driver's test for renewal. He gave it up but at times was talking about a license. Now he is in stage 7 and in a NH for late stage of Alzheimer's. He had home care since late 2005 until 2010. We played tricks and took away his financial power as he was willing to give out some power to my husband anyway. Fortunately he never drinks. He is 90 and going to be 91 in Dec.

Don't reply on the doctor because the doctor only diagnoses and gives med. The doctors don't do caregiving. Ask home care co. for caregiving tips. Or you can call Alzheimer's association chapter in your local area for ideas. If he does not want to move, start with home care caregivers if you are not there all the time. He really should not live alone but my FIL was home alone with caregivers. He became a widower in 2004.

Regards,
NC

concerned daughter

10/22/11 1:07pm

Thanks for the reply. I have POA as well as health care rep. but this is so hard! It's my dad, and I know he is still suffering the loss of my mom, and I live an hour away from him. I don't like confrontations, especially with my dad, but I guess I'm going to have to suck it up and do what is best for him even if he does get mad at me. I'm very worried about him living alone this winter. I would ask him to come live with us for the winter, but since he is drinking and hiding it, he wouldn't even come for one night when I asked him for the weekend. My sister and I have looked at assisted living facilities, but we can't get Dad to look at them with us. I plan to call the Alzheimer's assoc. and try to get an appt. to talk to someone there as soon as possible.

Thanks again!

10/22/11 1:53pm

No, please don't confront him. No arguing or reasoning with him. I said tricks.

Do it behind his back. Stop the mail and change the stuff and etc. It requires that he has bad memory loss so you can do the tricks.

Tell him some great reasons even if it is white lies. Tell him it is legal and required to have caregivers and etc.

No confrontation at all.

That is why it is hard.

Good luck,
Nina

concerned daughter

5/11/12 7:27am

I just wanted to send an update on where we are with my dad. We were able to get him into detox at a local hospital through the help of his primary care physician and while he was there, we checked him into a locked assisted living facility, moved his furniture, etc., and took him directly there from the hospital. We told him he couldn't live alone after being in the hospital. The facility is wonderful; the people are very caring; and it's small, so he gets lots of personal attention. The are also trained to work with people with dementia, so that was a big plus. He still is aware enough to want to go home, to have his car back and to drive, but we have to keep making excuses and saying maybe next week. That seems to be holding him off, but he can get very angry when we don't see his point of view. He has threatened to "part company" with us, but we know it's the Alzheimer's talking.

Thanks for the advice. I think we are finally getting a grip on this situation and hopefully we'll be able to get through whatever is ahead of us.

Christine Kennard, Health Pro

5/12/12 10:08am

I know NC was in contact with you but I followed your conversations. I know NC will write to you too, but I just wanted to say how pleased I am that the situation worked out well for your father and for you and your family. Alcohol and Alzheimer's can be a bad combination as its effects can make thigs, as you found, very challenging.

Hopefully your father will settle so that he does not feel the need to go home. It will mean that you will then be able to take him out and he can enjoy some activities outside the care facility.

Thank you for your update. It is so helpful for other caregivers, and for us on OurAlzheimer's, to see how difficult situations are resolved.

All my best wishes

Christine

Q: My dad was a recovering alcoholic for 30 years, but now he has Alzheimers and since my mom died almost a year ago, he has started to drink again. He hides it and lies to us about it. We need help!

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