Friday, July 18, 2008 Keetzs asks

Q: Feeling guilty

I care for my Mother who is 89 and in Mid stage, I've read a lot researched strategies,had discussions with her Doctor who is helpful. I know she did not ask for this and I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I know there are a lot of people dealing with this also. However here is my siduation. There is only me her daughter sure neighbors have my phone # if anything happens, I have a caregiver two times a week she is there for her, I tell her don't worry about the housework just give mom attention, Mom has lost all her friends she doesn't have a lot contact with people her age. She is pleasant and always has a smile on her face (right now). This journey is too much for me I have chronic pain and lot of other physical stuff which I work at controling . Here is my guilt, I really dont want to do this anymore I feel like I don't have a life I havent time to see my beautiful Grandsons, or my only Son and his wife it saddens me deeply that the only family I have, I believe they do not understand my siduation... heaven knows I always talk about Mom and how burnt out I am, but they don't even call and ask how is mom. I will look for Foster, Nursing, or Assisted care when it really becomes too much for me. Im kind and gentle with my Mother but I just can't do this for the next ten years. Does anyone ever feel like this. Thanks

Answers (3)

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Carol Bradley Bursack

7/19/08 8:45am

Nearly every caregiver feels like you do, at least from time to time. And so many have family members who are at a distance and have no clue to how draining caregiving is. Your own health is in danger if you don't get more help with your mother, and she would not want that. What happens to her if you get so sick you can't even visit her in a care center?

First, don't feel guilty about having natural and justifiable feelings. You need more help. Your mother doesn't have friends around anymore, and that isn't good for her. A good assisted living center, or even a private home with several elders, would give her things to do and peers to visit with. You would still be a caregiver. You would just have more help.

Please start the searching process to see if there is a better option for your mom. You may want to go to www.eldercare.gov, which is the eldercare locator. That will give you names of some care options in your area. Check them out, though. There is no system in place to let you know how good they are - and even with a "system" in place, nothing replaces your own inspection.

Please get more help before you are too sick to be a part of the rest of your family. You don't want them to have to be caring for you.

Carol

Sue

7/27/08 1:04pm

Thanks for posting your question. You are doing such a good thing. It can be so hard to be a caregiver -and the sole caregiver at that. I agree with Carol - you really need to make sure to take care of yourself.

Maybe a caregiver support group could be helpful too you. You might also want to read some of out information in our Caregiver Center.

As well, maybe now is the time to start thinking about other kinds of care/living arrangements for your mom. Waiting until things progress more and worsen can sometimes make it difficult to find the right place for a loved one with this disease. Here are a few articles/posts to review: