thier are 6 siblings in my family,4 girls,2 boys.well now women and men lol..but only 2 of us has been caring for mom sinced diagnosed with alzheimers.i'm the baby at 44 and my baby brother at 47.we both have asked all for help but there seems to be excuses from all.i work longer hours and my brother lives farther than the rest,but with love and graditude we still take care of mom..no matter how tired we are and we have both have small kids.now we do not talk since mom has gottten worse and its really hurtfull..how can i cope with this or make it better if possible? its like do they have a heart or is something wrong with them.my brother and i think its a nightmare of them to be this way.
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Q: siblings where were you when we needed you?
Answers (2)
9/ 3/09 7:13am
This is so common and so sad. They are afraid. They feel guilt but can't overcome their fear of watching what is happening to your mother. It is their loss. I'm giving them the benefit of a doubt, here. Maybe they are just selfish. You may want to read this: http://www.healthcentral.com/alzheimers/c/62/67816/conflict-mediation. There are some suggestions for family conflict in that article.
What can you do? You can reach out and ask for specific things. Suggest something they could do one time. See if there is any response.
However, in the end, if it drains you to keep trying to get them to help, try to let it go. Thank God you have your brother to help. You both may need to make a decision to get your mom paid help of some sort, as eventually she will be more than you can handle with your jobs, children and travel. Her safety is vital. Assisted living or a nursing home for your mom would not mean the end of when you can't be there.
The most important thing for you and your brother may be acceptance of what is. If your sibling won't or can't make themselves do anything, even when given specific examples of how they could help, then don't waste energy on them. Go forward with your brother and your mom's best interest. Do remember, you and your brother must take care of yourselves, also, or you may be the sick ones. Then what would happen to your mom
Carol
9/ 8/09 10:21am
It strikes me that you may be dealing with a couple of issues here. The first is that
you and your brother have taken on this tremendous burden and, consciously or sub-
consciously, have provided and "out" for the rest of your siblings in what is a tragic
an onerous job. It grants them the permission NOT to permicitate unless they choose
to and, unfortunately, they have chosen not choose to.
Secondly, I have discovered over the years, that the world seems to be divided into
those who are capable of being hands on i.e. "caregivers" and those who are not. The
latter generally are people who, for whatever reason, are unable to share someone else's pain especially on a day to day basis, are frequently afraid they might "catch"
whatever disease, synrome, etc. that the patient is currently exhibiting. I would cer-
tainly not in anyway describe these people as any less loving as the "caretakers"
of the world" just afraid of the emotional connect if it happens to be a loved one.
Is it possible that some of your siblings are like that?
I know in my own case, my sister who lives only twenty (20) minutes from me (we live
in Ohio) would have nothing to do with my mother in part because she had an agenda
with me) but on Mom's last day she could only "watch" her die, not touch her, run her
fingers through her hair as she had expressed to me the day before, nor even help
me pick out something appropiate for her to wear. On the other hand, my brother, who lives in Colorado and had been fighting a five (5) month battle against the same
type of cancer that had killed my father back in 1977 made every attempt to come
here and spend every available moment with Mom.
I can only suggest that you attempt to try to get to each one of your siblings apart
from their husband or wife and ask for an honest and direct answer. See if setting up
a calender with spaces for ALL of you will help and ask them to fill it in and don't for-
get using the good old "guilt trip" on any and all of them. You and your brother deserve a rest trip, too.
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By helpt— Last Modified: 11/15/10, First Published: 09/02/09
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