My father has finally taken my mother's credit card and check book away. Before that she would talk her care giver in to going to the store after dr appts or hair appts and spending money on useless junk. She also will call numbers on infomercials and order things or send in checks with junk mail telling her she has won money. It's odd that she can remember how to do these things. Now my mother wants to leave my dad, her husband of 59 years because he is cruel and took her money away. She also blames him for having her license revoked even though the dr is actually the one who suggested she be tested again. She was diagnosed w/alzheimer's about three or four years ago. She is so mean to him and that it is hard to listen to when he is only trying his best to take care of her and protect her. What do i say to her when she starts in on him? Do i tell her she has alzheimer's and cant' handle money any more? Suggestions.
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Q: Response when someone is angry for spouse taking away driver license, credit cards and checkbook.
Hi Jody,
This is not unusual, but horrible to deal with. In most cases, we try not to argue with someone with AD, as their reality isn't ours. This is a case where you can't "agree" with her that her husband is "cruel" for taking away her checkbook.
I'm wondering if she is seeing a geriatric neurologist or other specialist or her regular family physician. There may be a better plan for medications that could help her. Even if she is being cared for by a specialist, a second opinion may be helpful.
AD is so complicated, and there are often mixed dementias involved, that sometimes one doctor can help more than another.
I'd also suggest having someone outside of the family talk with her about her inability to handle money. Nothing said to her is apt to "stick", but you could then say, "Pastor so and so talked to you about this. You have a disease that you can't help, but it keeps you from being able to handle money, so Dad has no choice in this matter. He has to keep you safe."
This is going to continue to be difficult. You can call your local Alzheimer's organization to see if they can help with some training for your family.
Good luck,
Carol
Hi Jody,
Carol has good advices.
I want to to add that it does not help to tell her she has Alzheimer's and thus she cannot have access to money. She has no idea what disease she has and she may even deny her memory problem. Some distraction and redirection will help. Since she has bad memory, you can play some tricks to take away things without her knowing. If she knew already, don't remind her again and she will forget about it. Unfortunately she will get mad a lot for sure unless she forgets about it. It is not his fault. If you find a caregiver who can help him, then your Dad may feel less burden. We used to hide the checkbooks from my father-in-law who has late Alzheimer's. We also gave him outdated debit card to make him feel better. He cannot use them anyway. We gave him $10 cash. (Now he is in a residential-care facility so he does not need them anymore and he does not care.)
They do remember they need to pay money and buy groceries, but the caregiver can tell her all things are taken care of. Maybe you can tell her some people don't have the driver license. You should also really tell her the doctor took away her driving license or the DMV took away the license. My FIL was OK with legal reasons from the government since it is out of our power.
Tell her some excuses and don't show her how he took the cards away.
Hopefully she will settle down later on.
Regards,
Nina
Hi Jody
What a sad and difficult situation you, and your Dad, find yourself in. It must be very stressful. Alzheimer’s affects people in different ways and the brain damage does not follow strict patterns of brain cell destruction. That is why your mother’s ‘shopping skills' remain intact but other skills are lost.
Here are a few suggestions about handling the situation that may help you both:
It will not help to keep reminding your mother that she has Alzheimer’s.
Use short answers like there is no money at the moment for her, or her husband needs to sort out his new bank etc. Repeat the excuse once or twice but not over and over in a short period of time.
Use distraction- have a magazine available to get her to focus on. Do an activity she enjoys to occupy her. Do make up, hair care etc to give her your undivided attention during the times she becomes repetitive in her requests.
You could give her a small budget to use but I doubt she would find it helpful and satisfying.
Hope this helps
Christine
Hi, Jody,
Everyone has already given you great suggestions. I just wanted to add that my mom started accusing my dad of "stealing" from her as her Alzheimer's progressed. When she'd suggest this, I'd mention that I had just talked to my cousin (who served as her stockbroker), and that he had not found any issues with the accounts. Admitted, this was a white lie, but it would calm her down.
As far as the license was concerned, I asked her doctor (who she respected greatly) to write a letter to her explaining that she should no longer drive. I was able to show her this letter whenever that subject came up.
Take care and stay in touch!
Dorian
I am experiencing this from my mother who is in assisted living.
I usually let her keep enough money in her wallet to pay for the Beauty Parlor. Everyone is instructed that she must be taken directly home after her appointments unless I take her.
When she complains about not having enough money I tell her the bank is closed today and I will get it when it opens. She accepts the answers most of the time. Sometimes I have to be more assertive with her and then switch to another subject to hold her interest.
I do not allow her a check book and handle all of her affairs.
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