Trying to convince someone to place his or her loved one to a facility is an often challenging task, but it sounds like you are doing a great job so far. Even though you have not been able to convince your father yet, you did something very valuable – you planted a seed. In other words, you opened up a difficult topic by addressing the importance of long-term care, and laid a foundation for future conversations to come. You have also demonstrated that you are a positive, supportive force in the family, and hopefully your father will be able to see your position and come to the same conclusion eventually. The truth is, these decisions often come with time, because guilt, grief, and denial are very complex emotions. Your father may be having second thoughts because he feels responsible for his wife's well being, and doesn’t want to disappoint her. He may feel that admitting her into a facility is synonymous with giving up on her, or abdicating his responsibility. Although admitting her seems to be the most responsible choice, he may not be seeing it this way because the idea came from a family member. A professional opinion – such as from a doctor, nurse, case manager, or social worker – can go a long way. This may register differently for him if the advice comes from a neutral, or even anonymous, source. Another way of getting this form of unbiased feedback is by joining a support group. Support groups are an excellent way of connecting with others in the same shoes, and unloading some of the intense emotions brought on by the caregiving role. What helps is hearing from others what has been successful or not so successful in the past. If you father can identify with anything that the support group participants are saying, he may hear the message quicker and be more inclined to change his position. This may help him come to the realization that a nursing facility might just be the best place for her. For support group listings in your father’s area, please contact (866) 232-8484. As an alternative, your father may be interested in “Care Connection”, AFA’s national toll-free telephone support service. Your father can call into this wonderful service every Thursday night at 9pm EASTERN TIME, to gain valuable education on a vast array of topics, and connect with family caregivers from across the country. Simply dial (877) 232-2992 and enter Guest ID 271004#.
Another option your father should consider is respite care. Although he is unable to afford 24 hour care, he may be able hire a caregiver for a few hours a day or afford the expenses of an adult day center. These centers can provide his wife with several hours of care, supervision, activities, and meals, while giving your father a much needed break. If your father allows himself that break daily, or several times a week, he may come to the realization that she might be better off in the hands of professionals. Another idea is to try out respite care at a nursing facility. He can admit his wife into a facility on a respite (short term) basis, just to take a break for himself while giving facility living a chance. After a trial period, he can decide whether she can receive better care at home, and if so, have her discharged back to the community. If on the other hand she can be better served in a facility, he can speak with the admissions department about transferring her status to long-term.
Carol,
Thank you so much for your input. My father's health poblems are due to 50 years of smoking, but nonetheless, these health problems are a necessary consideration in making the decision.
After submitting my question I went back to different articles and others questions and their replies and printed off some of the information and gave it to Dad so that he could make a more informed decision, meaning making the decision based on more than just his feelings as normal as they are. I included the information on caregiver skills needed for severe stages and also what the stages are so that he can see what is coming very shortly. Rosie has deteriorated quite a bit in the past four months. I also included an article about caregivers listening to their bodies.
The response from the ARA below was very helpful, too. Getting an unbiased opinion is a very good idea. I hope the information from this site will help in that respect. When we took her to the doctor, the doctor mostly left it up to us to make the decision. But she did say that 24/7 care was in the near future and that caring for Rosie is more than he can handle in light of his health problems.
The nursing home by Rosie's daughter is 14 hours away. Rosie would have a brother and two sisters visiting her, also. I asked Dad if he would feel better if we had Rosie here in a home in town. He said he didn't think so. Putting her in a home seems to be the issue, not the location of it. I have been trying to reason with him that as a husband he is responsible for her health care and that includes gettting her the help that she needs.
I wish that we could keep her at home longer. We live in a small rural town where adult day care is not available, neither is there much in the way of reliable, trustworthy individuals that could be hired. We do have one woman that is wonderful, but she works several hours a day for someone else. And she can't spend more time with the folks than what she is.
I am very thankful for this site. It has helped me a great deal in coping with this situation. The advice given from both you and the AFA is both caring and helpful.
Again, thank you very much!!
Linda