Tuesday, October 21, 2008 Luann Will asks

Q: Can I make my mom move in with my husband and I?

My mom still lives alone as is going on 81 years old. She refuses to come live with us because she loves her independence. She is concerned about her furniture as well. My mom is doing good for the most part alone,but I have to go there at LEAST every day or every other day. I work in Dialysis and have for the past 15 years. Some days I am just wiped out,so I call her to have her take her medication while I am on the phone with her. I live in Milwaukee Wisconsin and I do not know the Laws for this type of thing. She lives about ten minutes from me so it is conveinent for me to go to her. I know from some experiance,you cannot force someone to do something they do not want to do. How and when can you do this for someone with Dementia? Thanks again.

LuAnn Will

Answers (4)

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Carol Bradley Bursack

10/23/08 8:22am

You really can't make her do it, unless you have her declared legally incompetent. I had a similar experience to yours, and I know the exhaustion of daily calls and daily trips and all of the emergencies. I watched carefully for an opening. Once, after one of my mother's many falls, I caught her at a weak moment and suggested she go "for awhile" to be with Dad at Rosewood (a nursing home). She said, yes, she was afraid and wanted to go. I ran her through the tests and redtape and had her in by five that night. Of course, she was never able to leave after that, and while torn, she really didn't want to go back.

Furniture and life-long belongings mean a lot to many elders, and that is what they don't want to leave. Can you reassure her that she can bring many things with her? Catching her at a moment when she is frightened, and reassuring her that she will be able to keep many of her things may help. It's about time. This is very hard, I know. I was pressured by family to move Mom, but I really wanted her to make the decision. I got lucky. You may, too, if you watch carefully for the right moment.

Carol

LMyers1020

10/22/08 9:35am

My mother is 87 and I tried to have her live with me and I even left my husband for 8 weeks to live with her and it just did not work out. I even hired a caregiver to help and that lasted about 6 months. My mother would have times that she was so mean (verbally )that you could only take so much. We are in the process of moving her to assistant living where she has her own 1 bedroom apartment. It is a locked in environment but has a small kitchen(no stove) livingroom, bath etc. They help her with her meds, bathing etc. The lady that lives next to her takes care of her own bath, meds etc. The cost is based on how much care is needed. I know that this is going to cost us less that we are paying at the nursing home that she is now in. When my mother has her right mind she also says that she does not want to live with us nor be a burden. I hope this works out. I hope I have been of some help at least you know that there are alot of us having to make the same decisions.

Lesa

Janice

10/23/08 12:26pm

Luann, You probably could make your mother move in with you, but since she is still doing well on her own, why don't you consider an assisted living situation where she can have some of her furniture and still maintain her independence, but also benefit from having someone around 24/7 if she were to need something. You would have a great peace with that and would not have to check on her everyday or everyother except by phone to feel reassured. Your mother could also begin giving some of her possessions to family that she could not use and enjoy seeing others having some of her possessions. There is the expense to consider, but also your and your mother's peace of mind is worth a lot. Your mother might be apprehensive at first so if you could visit some possible locations and let her help make the decision, it would be best. Be considerate of her giving up her independence, but let her know how important it is to you to know she is safe and always has someone reliable around to help her. She will appreciatte the security even though it will be hard for her to take that step. I pray that God gives you and your mother the direction you need to make the right decision.

Bless you, Janice

dadcarer

10/24/08 4:09am

I agree with Janice. Assisted independent living worked well for my mother-in-law for a couple of years, until her dementia progressed to the point that we were able to make decisions for her. From my experience, moving your mother in with you should be weighed very carefully. With all the good intentions in the world, this situation changes your entire lifestyle and family relations. Carefully consider the pros and cons before taking this drastic step.

Q: Can I make my mom move in with my husband and I?

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