Dear Nina,

When I am not at home, she is often alone when watching TV.  I think she understands now that they have no "new" news, and so she is a little less interested in watching the news.  For those first few days, all they seemed to be reporting on was the news at the university where her favorite football coach was situated.

We normally watch a different film every night, though lately the local TV station has been putting "MASH" repeats on, and she likes these a lot.  I try to get movies (from a mail-order DVD movie house) that I know will be upbeat, and we now own tons of such films, so by evening, we tend to visit together, watch a film, and talk about whatever is on her mind.  During the day, though, it is hard to get her away from the TV.  When I am home, being a professor, I have work to do and cannot be her constant companion. 

So this is what I wrote to you all.  The system would not allow me to comment on my own post. Thank you for writing some responses to my question, Nina.  I appreciate it!

Hello, Carol, Dorian, and Nina, and thank you for your replies and suggestions. From what I'm reading, I gather I'm fortunate that my mother does distinguish between the TV screen and her own life. The issue is that she has, all *my* life, identified with Joe Paterno, partly because she is Italian American and always aspired to be well-read (Paterno is an educated person, even though he was a football coach).

Today, except for a very early morning meeting, I was able to be at home. I spent the afternoon with my mother. If I say "I have to read something," and offer to do this in her room, she is willing to leave the TV off. So that's what I did. I spent the afternoon talking with her about old times and reading, when I could. I can't always do this. But by the end of the afternoon, as we headed toward evening, she seemed in better spirits, and she went to bed more happy than she did yesterday.

My husband is often a light hand with her, and he can keep her emotional life upbeat, often - sometimes more than I can! - but he, too, is driven to talk about this situation. So it has been difficult for me to know how to help my mother get away from the telly and, also, to find something other than Joe Paterno and the situation at this school to be of interest.

Today, she was reading in one of her publications about euthenasia being accepted by the Dutch, so we had a good opportunity to talk about the importance, in the US, of living wills, etc. She sill is able to talk about such matters. Thank goodness.

I am very grateful to you all for taking the time to think about and reply to my question. It has been a difficult week for her and thus for me, but I felt today was a turning point for us. Thank you again. You're just wonderful, all of you!

Best wishes,

CJ

CJ,

I understand that she was focusing on this guy. I think when the person gets sicker with dementia, she would hold on to the one she loves mostly. For my FIL, he always seemed to want to work with my husband (this is never true in reality.) So my FIL always holds on to my husband although he forgot lots of family events. The things that he wants most, he will never forget.

I know you are busy as a professor. Same as my husband. That is why we had to hire home care caregivers to be with my FIL all the time. At first it was part-time, then full-time and eventually 24/7. Home care is very expensive. My husband can no longer stay with his Dad without being disturbed. my FIL would force my husband to go downstairs to "work with him" because my FIL got some "important" ideas. My husband works at home a lot writing grants and grading...

The so-called ideas were from the tv randomly. My FIL does not even remember what he did for research anymore. Last year he knew his field; this year he does not care. Now he loves his new NH as he thinks he works with them.

Perhaps you can hire some part-time caregiver to help out. At least the person can report to you when your Mom thinks strangely when she watches the telly. It happens subtly and one day, you would find that your Mom thinks the telly is real in her life! :(

Hugs,

Nina

Hi, Nina, and thank you for your helpful suggestions, kindness, and support. I think my mother does identify with some TV personalities, and she has perhaps always gotten sort of sucked in by TV. She has one news station she insists on watching, and it seems to me to be a station whose main purpose is to get folks riled up about things and emotionally charged.  She has always been a bit of a news junky, and so she doesn't really see the problem with watching news.  If I am home, I sometimes go into her room (which is large and has a sitting area, where the TV and some comfy chairs and tables are), as I did yesterday, with my books.  This forces her to read a bit instead of watch TV.  She listens to music sometimes, too, and this is a good distraction.  She loves to watch movies, and sometimes we watch movies.

We are slowly reaching a point where we'll need to hire people to come in and help out.  The issue with this is that she is still social enough that she thinks they are visiting her and need to be entertained. So having others around actually ends up exhausting her, because she thinks they are there to chat and visit.  So we decided that, for now, we'd just see how it goes.  She has good days and bad days.  I'm hopeful for a good day today, because it's a day when I can try to get her out to church, which she likes to do.  The people there are very nice to her, and they make her feel loved and connected to the world.

Thank you again for your support.  I appreciate it very much.

Best wishes to you with your father in law.  It's difficult, whatever the circumstances, huh?

CJ

CJ,

Thanks for your response. At first my FIL didn't want any caregiver either. He is a stingy man.

The home care boss came to his house and told him about how good these caregivers are and he was able to explain professioanlly that there are some good things for it. Also we told him the laws required it. The neighbor actually blamed us for leaving him alone. So we told my FIL it has to be or the neighbor will call the social worker. So my FIL okayed it. He liked some of the caregivers so therefore he was OK. Since my FIL never did housework or entertainment anyway, this fits him.

He also like the home care nurse (the wife of the boss) who called him a lot. He thought she was his girlfriend and he still remembers her!! He forgot all other caregivers now.

Good luck,
Nina