What should I do if he wants to have sex and becomes frustrated that he physically can't?
My father has Alzheimer's and is in a fairly advanced stage. He is 83. He has had his prostate removed and cannot have sex. What should my step-mother do if he wants to have sex and becomes frustrated and angry when he cannot? He doesn't understand it when she tells him he can't.
This is a sad a common story. Your step-mother or you should talk with your dad's doctor about this. He still has natural sexual urges and doesn't understand that he can't act on them (or how to do so appropriately). You need medical guidance. She needs to know this is very common and no one needs to be embarrassed. Please check with the doctor as soon as possible.
Carol
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Amy Buck
Sunday, September 27, 2009 at 10:13 AM
My father-in-law is a widower and still wants to find a woman to go to bed with. But we doubt that he can have sex. He is 88 and has moderate/severe Alzheimer's. I think what he or your father would like is to hug together with the mate. Maybe his wife can try different approach - just hug him in the bed and all that instead of going through the real thing.
Maybe he does not even understand what it is to have sex directly. Or she can trick him and say hugging closely is enough.
Just my 2-cents,
Nina
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Amy Buck
Sunday, September 27, 2009 at 10:20 AM
Thanks, Nina. I'll tell her that. She is mean to him, I think, trying to shame him about it. Maybe this will help her understand that he just craves touch, which he never gets. I believe she thinks he's acting like a "dirty old man", but it seems to me that he is just acting on instincts.
Carol Bradley Bursack
Sunday, September 27, 2009 at 10:24 AM
It's too bad that she is shaming him. Touch is a human need, and many times just cuddling is enough, but our society has taught many people that touch is about sex. He liikely thinks he wants sex, but would be fine with cuddling, if she could have patience with him.
I hope there are other people who can give him some non-sexual touch to help satisfy this craving. That doesn't guarantee the sexual advances will stop, but no one gains from shame.
You are so kind to be tuned in to this.
Carol
N.C.
Sunday, September 27, 2009 at 04:58 PM
Hi Amy,
You are welcome! I think if his wife cannot be nice, she needs to be separated from him - may not be the real separation, but in another room not sleeping together if she has a hard time to do that. A lot of parents cannot get along with each other when one of them has AD and needs to go to the adult children to be cared for. Somehow some spouses have a hard time to deal with it - either being victimized by the person who has AD, or gets impatient with the person who has AD. Either way, it is hard. So at times, the adult kids pick it up for the caregiving job. I hope your family can find a better way.
Good luck,
Nina
She has talked with the doctor, who is an internist. He was not of any help. He simply told her to do whatever she had to do. He did not give her any ideas. I will tell her that you said it is very common and that she should not be embarrassed.
Thank you for your answer. It will be of help to her.