Hi. I wrote a couple weeks ago about what stage my dad may be in and that he had broken his HIP. He came home from rehab the day before Thanksgiving, in terrible shape, we had to take him to the hospital thanksgiving morning. He is still there. His kidneys are shutting down rapidly and so is everything else. I spoke with the doctor today and his prognosis is not good. I feel very mad/sad and just wish it would be over with. I feel mixed up about this. I feel like wishing it was over isn't exactly nice of me. But I know he wouldn't want to be like this and I hate seeing him like this. As I said before I have been taking care of him at home. My mom doesn't have a DNR on him and finally today she said maybe she needs to do that, She keeps hoping for things to get better and they aren't going to. They just celebrated their 59th anniversary. I think I'm just wondering how many days he can handle this and am feeling a little guilty for thinking the way I am thinking. The doctor tries to make her see where hes at, and that if he ends up on a vent he'll never get off it and thats where hes headed. He also has COPD along with the renal failure. So I don't know. Am I asking how much time he has left ? Maybe but I know its more a frustrated asking. I just know I needed to express my confusion and ask if its kind of a normal thing to go through
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Q: Are Conflicting feelings normal - his kidneys are shutting down
Fizzie
What you are feeling is normal. When someone is given little hope of living and when it sounds as though he will have little quality of life it brings out all the conflicting emotions you are experiencing. The only tip I can give you about how you handle that is;
Make sure you all discuss what the doctor is saying to you all. It can be difficult hearing the message because of all the emotional content. Follow his/her advice and support each other. It does sound as though you are already doing that and it helps you cope better when he does die.
On a positive note you are being given time to show your love to him and to say things that you feel are important to both of you. He might not understand your words but I am sure the sound of your voice and touch will help. This will help you in the coming weeks and months.
Its a tough time. I send you all my best wishes. It really does sound as though you are doing things that are in his best interests and he is lucky to have you and his family with him.
Christine
Hi, Fizzie,
How hard this time must be for you and your family! Your current situation reminds me about Mom's last week. She also had COPD as well as Alzheimer's and had just gotten out of the hospital after having a bout with near-pneumonia. She eventually slipped out of consciousness for the last 3-4 days of her life.
During the last days of her life, Dad and I would go and visit her on a daily basis. I also realized that I needed to encourage my brother to travel to see her, just in case she was really dying. I remember telling Mom that my brother had decided to come and that was the only time she snapped into some consciousness. I also remember telling her mentally that if it was time to go, she should do so. My brother did make it down, but didn't get a chance to see Mom before she died.
Honestly, I actually felt relief when she died because it had been such a tough battle with Alzheimer's. That's common; in fact, many people call Alzheimer's the long goodbye and say that you end up mouring twice due to the death of the person's personality first and then the body second. I had come to terms with the reality that Alzheimer's had already robbed me of the mom who I knew a long time before. I also realized that Mom would never wanted to have lived like she was. I missed her once she was gone, but realized it was for the best. I found that when I thought of Mom for quite awhile, I thought of her with Alzheimer's. It's taken me four years to start having regular memories of better times when Mom didn't have Alzheimer's.
So I agree with Christine - say what you need to say and truly listen to what the doctors are saying. Also, I'd encourage you to alert any family members or other key individuals who you feel may want to say their last goodbyes to your dad.
Take care and stay in touch!
Dorian
My Dad was open eyed today and drank some water fed in drips from a straw. And whaen I asked him if he wanted water he did sorta nod his head. I don't know where this is really going, if he is going to come back (not to who he was of course) I mean to where they discharge him from hospital. I am beginning to feel like a yo-yo. My brother who is the only one of us six from out of the area did get here today to see him so if thats what he was waiting for then it has happened. I do wonder if this is the calm before the storm. He is now very swollen in his hands as well as the lower half of his body. His skin was also cooler than it has been so I don't know. I am definetly giving great thought to anything I haven't said. And saying what I need to and have told him that its okay if he goes. I agree about the grief and loss thing I feel as though I have lost him even though he is still here. I am really thankful for all you folks here and I apprecieate the time taken to answer my questions. My mom finally did put a DNR on him, because that is what he would want. His hospital room is always so noisy full of people and I really feel bad for him because he doesn't like all that confusion and if he's hoping for everyone to go away so that he can it isn't gonna happen. It sorta bothers me because I know he doesn't like it.
Well anyway thanks much.
It must be so hard on you. The other replies have said it well. You don't want him to suffer. It is harder for your Mom to accept. There is always a shocking period. My father-in-law is not in the dying situation yet but he is in severe stage of Alzheimer's. The thing is he has been able to survive many episodes and yet he is stable now although in a worse situation (he cannot walk.)
I understand the feelings that you don't want him to suffer and yet you feel guilt and want to do the best to save him. You feel sorry that your Mom is very upset and etc. It takes sometime to adjust.
I know my husband and his half brother will not accept it like that but they will accept it when the end comes. My FIL is 91. So it is really a long shot for us. It has been a hard road to take care of a long-term patient.
Take care,
NC
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Please understand that your conflicting emotions are perfectly normal. I often write about "grief and relief" after a loved one who has long suffered dies.
The same advice (that this is normal and not at all "bad") goes while we are are giving care. Emotions are just that - they are feelings. You hate the suffering. You hate the lingering. You hate the pain. And you'd like some normalcy in your own life. Why wouldn't you feel this way?
You are going through a tough time. Most of us on OA have been in your shoes. Please check back when you feel like it. You are a good person who only wants life to be better for everyone.
Blessings,
Carol