Tuesday, September 09, 2008 Michele asks

Q: My mother has Alzheimer's. My sister can get her to eat but I can't. Why is this?

We take turns with her medication and food. She will eat for my sister but not for me. She tells me her teeth hurt, gets upset and pushes food away. I took her to the dentist and was told there is no problem. My sister can get her to eat. Why is this? I spend more time with her and am the one to bring dinner for her. My sister does breakfast and dinner on occassion. It upsets me that she won't eat for me. Is this common? I'm very calm with her and try little tricks to get her to eat. My sister just puts the food down and she eats it.

Michele

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Answers (2)

Dorian Martin, Health Guide

9/12/08 3:23pm

Hi, Michele,

I know this is very difficult for you. I'd suggest that there may be a couple of factors at work. These might include: (1) differing approaches between you and your sister in getting your mom to eat; (2) emotional swings on your mother's part due to Alzheimer's.

For the first point, it may be how you approach your mom. In my mom's case, I had to make her think that anything I wanted her to do was actuallly her idea. Some of the nurse's aides would try to order Mom to do something and she'd just dig her heels in. In fact, they could never get her to brush her teeth. Your mom may be the same as my mom, or she may be the type that responds to a more straight-forward approach. Watch your sister and see how she approaches your mom, and then try that same approach.

For the second point, please realize that your mom may be having strong emotional responses to you. This happened with my father. He and Mom -- who used to never fight -- ended up straining their relationship as her Alzheimer's progressed. Those emotional outbursts became habits and it took a prolonged period of time apart before she started responding to him positively. He couldn't get her to do anything. And even in my day-to-day interactions with Mom (and I took a totally different approach), her responses to my presence would vary greatly. I learned not to take it personally and to (a) take breaks periodically from Mom so she could emotionally stabilize; and (2) try new approaches/tactics.

Take care and keep us posted.

Dorian

10/ 1/08 1:51pm

Sometimes your Mom does not want to be treated as a baby. My FIL has severe Alzheimer's and he still has his ego. He refuses to use spoon to eat dinner as it is insulting to him so he uses a fork. Sometimes you just need to put the food on the table next to him (he does not eat at tables formally, so he eats on his sofa and we use this standing serving table next to him.) At times, we have to urge him to eat. e.g., we need to remind him to drink his coffee or tea. Rarely he needs to be fed but if I fed him when he felt like it, he was able to accept to be fed. Depends on his mood. Sometimes he wants to eat it himself to be independent.

Looks like your sister just makes it simple and put it there for her to eat. Your approach may not be the one your Mom likes although you are more patient and caring when you give her the food.

It really depends on your Mom. She is still an adult. Even when her intelligence falls, she still wants to act like her "old" self.

My FIL was a very formal gentleman with table manner, but now he eats as someone with dementia. He forgot that he never used fingers and etc... And yet he wants to have some dignity to eat as "normal" as possible. His way is certainly like a 5 years-old but he feels better when he can "help himself".

Hope this helps,

Nina

Q: My mother has Alzheimer's. My sister can get her to eat but I can't. Why is this?

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