Friday, January 23, 2009 Elizabeth asks

Q: Please help me, Dr. wants me to place my husband, but he is still so aware, functioning & knows so m

I am overwhelmed with Doctors, social worker & lawyer telling me what I "should" do. I met with an Az assoc employee. She said my husband's driving test result was the worst she had seen in 20 years of working for Az assoc. Also said this was a very hard case as he is atypical of most az patients. Young acting and looking, walks fast, does not shuffle.

yet his psych testing was severely impaired. He seems to have executive dysfunction per az assoc friend. Husband has vascular dementia & Az,

He is going to second lawyer to TRY & get his driver's license back, ( more $ down the drain we can't afford.) Lawyer specailaizes in DUI even though it's not for DUI. This is sharp attorney. I can't imagine anything can be done, but he wants to appeal it.While he was talking with lawyer, he kept referring to dmv as dvd.

I have started paper work to get emergency temporary gaurdianship with elder care lawyer. waiting to go to court & lawyer thinks will be no problem getting it.

I am trying to take baby steps or I will do nothing.

Az friend said at the rate he is going and fighting this, continuing to drive until we have to turn in his license ( and probably will continue afterwards) this is going to be a very hard case.

He is trying to run our business pt, making serious errors and this a financial type business handling $. We are having a rash of robberies of businesses in our city at an alarming rate. They say to expect something bad to happen to bring this to a head!

Also heard that when I find a facility to place him, they send 4 men in a van to forcefully take him away and I can't think of that without losing it.

He is not taking his aricept every day and I knows this will accelerate the downhill slide of mental deterioration.

I've found that every facility that I have called requires private pay for 2 or 3 years first.

I can't get to our asset/ financial info to get exact info.

I am overwhelmed, exhausted and worried sick. Trying to do this alone, no family here. They keep telling me that I look awful, but I have no choice but to keep trying.

Thank you all for your help.

Elizabeth

Answers (3)

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Dorian Martin

1/24/09 7:00pm

Hi, Elizabeth,

First of all, I want you to breath and relax. Find some time where someone is with your husband so you can get away to get yourself centered. I do know how you're feeling since my mom's issues unfolded over a span of a month (along with dealing with the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina and the possible onslaught of Hurricane Rita in 2005), when I found myself having hysterical crying jags due to the stress. So I really want you to figure out how to significantly decrease your stress level. Reach out to friends in the area or by phone. Talk to your pastor (if you attend a church) about what you are facing. Find someone who has gone through what you are facing and ask them to mentor you. See my post on caregiving mentors at:

http://www.healthcentral.com/alzheimers/c/42/16672/youre-find-mentor

I'm assuming that you have a diagnosis from your primary doctor or neurologist of the Alzheimer's and vascular dementia. If not, please get the official diagnosis. Also, keep working with the elder care lawyer to get the guardianship. That's important.

Next piece - your husband does not need to get his license back. (I say this after seeing an electronic sign this past Thursday that alerted drivers to a missing elderly person who was driving, which I'm pretty sure was someone with Alzheimer's). I know that your husband is not elderly, but based on what you wrote, he doesn't need to be driving. If his lawyer keeps pressing this, you may need to go see the judge and possibly threaten the lawyer with filing a complaint with the state bar or filing a malpractice suite if he continues on this course. We (Dad and I) had a similar experience with a lawyer who was court-appointed who was going to tell the court that Mom could handle her own financial affairs, even though she had a diagnosis of Alzheimer's and was having delusions. I found that some lawyers don't understand Alzheimer's and what it entails; they instead want to go with their own "diagnosis," even though they are not medical professionals. I wrote about this at:

http://www.healthcentral.com/alzheimers/c/42/2957/attorney-didnt

You also need to figure out how to get your husband out of your business's affairs. This won't be easy, but you may have to resort to "white lies" (as I call them) to distract him from what is happening. You also may need to have a heart-to-heart with any employees that you have so that they are aware of what is going on and can help make sure that your husband doesn't handle business areas where he could really damage the business due to his dementia.

As far as a facility, I'd visit several (including those that are specifically for Alzheimer's/dementia). I don't know what to tell you as far as payment, since my dad handled that piece (and he had taken out a long-term care policy for my mom, which helped pay). If you can, talk to your CPA or financial planner, if you have one, to see where you might have pots of money that can be used.

As far as the actual placement, I do understand about the challenge of getting him to the facility. (I drove my mom to the nursing home, which was the single worst day of my life). So what do you see as the most successful way to get him to the facility? Is it with you alone, with family members, or with strangers? Once you decide that, go with your instinct and execute that plan; I've found that tends to often work.

Take care and keep us posted!

Dorian

LMyers1020

1/23/09 11:28pm

I am writing this just for support. I don't have the answers but I just wanted you to know that I am so sorry that you are having to go through this. Maybe one of the experts can give you more information than I. I will keep you in my prayers and if you need someone to talk to I am hear to listen. I can only imagine the pain that you are going through. Both of my parents have/had this disease. My father passed away a few years ago and then my mother was diagnoised with the same thing shortly after his death and we finally had to put her in assisted living. We had similiar problems with my father and his driving. He would push the automatic door locks for the garage door opener and would get mad when the door would not open. We would have to hide the keys. Shortly after that he began to fall and his health began to deteriate and our family dr. could see that it was taking its toll on my mother. We had to put him in a nursing home. My mother is adjusting to her living arraingments however, she still talks about going home. This is the hardest thing that I have ever had to deal with. I know that you love your husband and you will do what is best for him.

Lesa

1/24/09 3:38pm

Hi, Elizabeth,

I am sorry to know that your husband is in bad shape. I don't know how old he is, but if he has medicare A/B, the doctor can write up something so medicare A/B will pay at least 2 months' nursing home. If you can try to get medicaid or medical by claiming he has low income, it would help pay for the home. It is expensive otherwise as you know. About the payment method, I thought it is like you pre-pay the first month or 2 months. It is not to pay for 3 years! Also some nursing homes are nice - maybe you get the nasty or public ones. Usually one should not "force" him to go to a home as it would make him go downhill faster. You cannot make him feel very bad or he would go downhill faster. maybe you can consider asking some home care service or nursing home personnel to talk skillfully with your husband so they can use the skills like white-lie or comfort and etc to persuade him or make him feel better.

For sure he would not like to go to a home that is not familiar. Also, he is very very alert and still trying to get the drivers license. So it is hard at this point. My father-in-law has severe Alzheimers and he is still alert but he does not know about the real world (still knows his son) anymore so he cannot sue anyone. Even in his state, we still cannot send him to a nursing home without making him feel worse. That is why we still have home care service expensively (fortunately he has investments and pension.) In 1 year or so, he may need to go because he had 2 heart failures sinec Nov.

I can understand why it is hard - but for sure you DON'T need to have this "force" to take him with violence or force to the nursing home!!

Maybe you need to check out other nursing homes. However, some may be pricy. My father-in-law has enough pension and investments for better homes.

I don't know your situations, but you can check with the social workers or home care service to find out what you can do. You can also hire some home care service so he can have caregivers that help you out. He DOES NOt have to go to a nursing home. It all depends on how you take care of him with help.

I hope this helps and I wish you will find a good solution.

Take care,

Nina

Q: Please help me, Dr. wants me to place my husband, but he is still so aware, functioning & knows so m

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