When will my husband stop calling from az facility to come home? The messages are heart breaking
Dr and social worker called my daughter to come back and help me get my husband placed in a facility, saying he was not safe. She lives several states away from me, and the social worker told her that she was concerned that I would end up in the hospital as I needed help and support. My step daughter lives in another state and could not come as her husband got a 3rd brain tumor back in 7 months, so she has more than she can handle. I pray for them every day.
My daughter surprised me,flying in the day I was in court with lawyer getting the emergency guardianship papers. My 21 year old grand daughter insisted on coming too, as she has a special bond with her Grandpa.
Because of his behavioral problems, only one facility would take him. They don't accept medicaid, but have a month to month plan, so our goal was to place him there to get him calmed down and then move him to a less expensive facility.
Since he was still insisting on driving, and running our very small business ( in to the ground) the Dr prescribed ativan to put in his ice cream, get him calmed down and then call the ambulance to take him to the facility.
He is in very good shape physically, goes to the gym 3X a week and strong as an elephant. 2 ativan did nothing so I gave him a 3rd one, and he was still alert and it had NO affect on him.
He had a tia a few months ago and was fearful of another mini stroke, so I told him that he looked like he was having another tia and the DR had called the ambulance.
He insisted that he was fine and refused to go with the EMTs.
After EMT asked him if he could take his blood pressure and lied saying it was very high, he finally agreed to go. The EMTs were wonderful.
We had his furniture moved out to facility in AM and took his clothes and etc earlier in the day. Movers dropped his chest of drwers and broke it.
I had called the Police days before all this, and told them that he was not supposed to be driving and they had all info on his car, but they never caught him driving. My 21 yr old grand daughter went to pick him up from work in his car, and they pulled her over saying he had not turned in his license, which he had a few days before. She told the female officer that and when officer wanted to go into his business and take his license she started crying saying he was going to a home that day and please not to embarrass him. The officer said her parents had az so she was very kind and did not do it
He thinks he is being held there to be observed for his tia and was calling me on my cell and home phone over and over. he went from angry to pleading. Since they told me not to talk to him, to get him acclimated he thought I was trying to get rid of him.
He tried to kick the door down there, and had to be taken to hospital one day, but was calmed down when they got there.
After looking at home and business financial, we would have lost the business in a few months and saw that he was draining our savings down to nothing. We would have not even been able to keep the house the way he was wasting money and we could not find out where it went.
I am out of work on Family leave so no money coming in for me. My daughter was a God send but eventually had to go home of course.
The facility has an excellent Dr and placed him on anti psychotic med zyprexia, and xanax a couple days ago. the phone calls have slowed down but they are heart wrenching pleas and crying to come home.
I am overwhelmed trying to do the paperwork for lawyer for medicaid spend down, VA papers to apply for a room at veterans new facility and get business affairs fixed. Had to do stop pays on ach at bank where he had these automatic payments on things he didn't even use or know what they were for.
I mostly hide in bed. Even taking a shower is a major effort.
He will be served the permanent guardian ship papers by sheriff in about 10 days and will really get angry. He has the right to hire an attorney and fight it, which I know he will and there is no money to pay for it. He is very high functioning. Every Dr says this is such a hard case.
Thank you all for your help. I can't thank you enough.
Elizabeth
Elizabeth, this is gut wrenching. You are in my heart and prayers. The calls to come home - many of us have beent there. It's actually too bad he is in such great physical shape, as he'd be easier to handle, otherwise.
Are you on an antidepressant? Are you getting medical help? You are the one you need to take care of. Try to get counseling. You have nothing to feel guilty about, and if you have to screen his calls and not answer, please do. You have done everything you can. You have the support of your daughter. You continue to do what you must.
This heart-breaking experience will get better, but it will take a long time. The spend down is miserable and the red-tape mindboggling.
Blessings to you. Please know we care.
Carol
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Hi Elizabeth
You are in such an awful situation. You seem have done so much to try resolve so many problems. It is very difficult when people are a risk to others but have no insight into their situation because of Alzheimer's or other serious illnesses.
I agree with Carol. You need to get some help and support. Another idea might be to contact your local Alzheimer's Association. It is great to meet people who are caregivers too. One of the biggest problems is that you feel so alone and so stressed. I am sure you would find it helpful.
Please keep in contact with us all. Let us know how you are getting on.
Christine
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Hi Elizabeth
I am so sorry and you are probaly saying I am sick of hearing this help me. I do know how you feel my husband died four weeks ago today. In many ways we share a common bond. Both our husbands were veterans.
You have and are doing all you can. The VA has many wonderful benefits not only for your husband but for you too. Have you gone to a VA represenative yet? If not you need to. Take his DD 214 with you if he does not have a VA card. they can and will pull up his record and tell you all he is eligible for. They can also help you with the business. That is one thing our government is doing to help veterans. Does he have a disabilty through them? If not and you have court papers giving you the right you can file for him as his spouse. You may also be eligible for some medical aide especially with the problems he is having they have wonderful couseling and support associations. I don't know where you live so you will have to call the nearest VA hospital and ask them where their VA reps are. Please do this.
It is hard but you can do this you have to do this. Stop beating yourself up about what you can't do to help him with. Take a shower rest for a while and then get up and start fighting. This is a battle you can win. you can't make him better but you can make his and your journey through this better. please don't let this horrible disease steal you away from him too. It has taken just about everything else but you can do this I know you can.
You might think this is easy for me to set here and say it is not. I lived in denial for two years and have made many mistakes. I finally found this site and that was the best thing I have ever done for myself and my husband now you have to make a decision either you want to fight or not. I think you do no in fact I know you do or you wouldn't have written now please do this for yourself and your husband. I will be here please let me know if I can help you in any way. This journey is long and hard but you can do this. Your friend in Texas Connie
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Hi, Elizabeth,
First of all, I am so sorry for your situation. I know how hard this is. I agree with what everyone has said thus far. I would suggest that you try to take the time you need for you; your stress level has to be very high. Besides finding a counselor to talk to, please also find a daily practice where you set aside time to "treat" yourself, whether through exercise, a bubble bath, reading for pleasure, playing with a pet, etc. This time will help you relieve stress that will keep accumulating as you move forward. You also may want to schedule a massage - these tend to have a wonderful, calming effect that can help you work through the emotional hurdles that you are facing.
At some point once you are past any legal issues, you may want to sit down and have a conversation with your husband about why he's in a facility. I dreaded having this conversation with my mom. She, too, was demanding on a regular basis to get out of the nursing home where she was placed. One day, she asked me why she was there. Grabbing her hand, I told Mom that the doctor wanted her to be in the facility and then asked her whether she realized that I visited her every day. "You do?" she asked. I replied yes, and calmly described where we sat, what we talked about, who her friends were, and the type of cookies I brought to share with her on almost a daily basis. I got one of the nursing staff to second what I told her (which was all true). Mom looked at me and said, "I guess my memory isn't as good as I thought it was." Of course, I had to repeat the converation during the next few days, but this proved to be a turning point with my mom. I don't know your husband and how he would react. I was scared to death about Mom's reaction (she was a very strong-willed woman and could put up quite a fight); however, because of the approach I took, she was open to listening and we were able to (for the most part) calmly navigate our way through the next two years until she died in September 2007.
Please take care and keep us posted!
Dorian
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