I was shocked to see my husband for first time after being placed in facility
Wednesday, April 01, 2009 Elizabeth
Thank you for your advice and experience. I appreciate it so much.
I went to see my husband last night with a friend. The staff knew that I was coming.
He was happy to see us. It's been 2 months since they took him away.
I was shocked at how he appeared to have deteriorated. He used to walk like a 40 year old. He was shuffling and couldn't follow a conversation very long. Then again he asked good questions about our business and had appropriate responses. He is a typical AD. We think it's frontal lobe. Also has vascular dementia.
He had all his furniture piled up against 1 wall in his room. Even his TV stand and his TV was on the floor.He had his stuff all out of the drawers in little boxes. He talked about getting out and going home, but was easily distracted. His room looked like a store room, it was sad.
I had asked for them to put him on the generic Xanax a few weeks ago on a regularly scheduled dose.when he was casuing such a ruckus to get out.
I never knew that they did, until I called and spoke with a staff member and told them he seemed so drugged when I saw him. Besides the Zyprexa ( anti psychotic) 2X daily, he is getting the generic Xanax at the same time as well as Namenda and Aricept and anti depressant. Not sure when he lets the last 3 meds.
I called Nurse and asked to have him taken off PM dose of Xanax for a few days or weeks and see how he's doing and have it available on an as needed basis.
He is more agitated in AM's.
He didn't insist on leaving with us.
Of course I cried all the way home, last night and today. Had DR's appt to get fmla papers filled out for myself for depression and back pain. I had to go see him for myself. My Dr said the depression takes time to go away as it didn't happen over night.
I had years of verbal abuse and hiding in my bedroom. It's starnge. If someone had told me in January that I would have permanent guardianship, and he would be placed in assisted living in February, I would have been relieved to be out from under his anger and constant picking at me.
Hi Elizabeth, You have such a complicated situation. When you suffered abuse from you husband, like you have, and then see him vulnerable, it's normal to have these feelings. Your doctor is right. It won't "get better" for you over night. Keep seeing your doctor for your depression, and please see a counselor so you can work through any guilt feelings you have. They are not warranted. Your husband is likely acting so drugged from the anti-psychotic, as well as the Xanax. It's good to keep in contact with the home and ask them to experiment. Most of his actions are typical of AD and you can't change that, but anti-psychotics aren't always warranted with AD. They do have to keep him from being overly aggressive, but that is often from anxiety, and the Xanax will help with that. Trial and error is often the only way to see what works, but over medication is often a problem. Take care of yourself. Then work with the staff on his meds. Please keep checking in so we know how your are doing.
Blessings,
Carol
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Hi, Elizabeth,
I'm so thankful that you had the opportunity to visit with your husband. And I do know what a shock it was. I was able to see Mom in the days after she was placed in the nursing home, and did see her deteriorate rather rapidly, especially in her ability to walk and to use the restroom herself.
I agree with Carol that you need to take time out for yourself now. My dad also went verbal abuse from Mom, and really had to take some time get over it. He would go out with friends for lunch or dinner, or a friend would come over and visit him. (At that point, he was living in the city where my parents' home was, so he was 7-hours away and couldn't visit Mom on a regular basis, which helped him relieve some of the strain he had been under.) You might try to go visit your husband a few times each week, but also make time to take care of yourself. Find time to exercise (which tends to help with depression). Prepare and eat healthy meals. Find a friend and do something fun. Go for a weekend to a bed and breakfast in a beautiful area of your state.
This time will be well-spent not only on you, but also eventually on your husband. I learned that caregiving didn't end when the loved one enters a care facility; instead, these responsibilities morph into an advocate role for the loved one. And to do that well and to be there for Mom when needed, I found I had to place my own self-care higher than it had been previously.
Again, take care and keep us posted!
Dorian
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