My mother has been on aricept and namenda for over 8 years and her Alzheimer's has worsened in those years She and my father have lived alone until recently when he could no longer care for her. She is in a locked down memory unit at night and he lives in an independent living room in the same retirement home He continues to be devoted to her and eats all meals with her "upstairs" in the dining room and attends exercise and some other activities with her. She spends about 6 hours and nights apart from him in Alzheimer's activities. She doesn't understand the situation and is scared that he doesn't love her any more. She calls him endlessly from her room waiting for him to pick her up He refuses to sleep with her as she has hit him and is continuously verbally abusive to him. She threatens to divorce him and hates him while loving him and forgetting the love he shows her He refuses to allow the facility to care for her alone. He wants to be with her even through the abuse. Do you have any suggestions to ease their pain during this transitional situation ? Both parents are suffering. They've been together 65 years.
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Caregiving
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Q: HELP FOR 2 PARENTS LIVING SEPARATELY IN SAME RETIREMENT HOME
Hi, Sharyn,
My parents ended up having bitter fights during the last years before Mom was placed in a locked unit. The nursing home suggested that Dad not see Mom for awhile in order to let her forget. That was easy for Dad since he had to go back to their hometown which was 7 hours away to close down their house in order to move closer. (Mom lived in a nursing home near me.) I don't know if your dad would like that suggestion, but it might work if he could stay away for a couple of weeks.
Another suggestion would be if he sat near her bed when it was time to go to bed, possibly reading until she is asleep. That might prove comforting to her and help her to transition to a point where he could leave her earlier.
Let us know what happens. And take care!
Dorian
Hi Sharyn,
I think you are lucky that your parents are in the same home! It is not easy to get that. However, your Mom is bound to be disappointed that someone she is familiar with is not there. At this point, she may not recognize people properly but she will still ask for him. He cannot get abused for sure. Maybe he can try to distract her? The caregivers there should also help. Maybe tell her some white lies that he has to be somewhere and it is not his choice? This way she cannot blame him as it is "not his choice". I have not experienced this personally but it is good that they are in the same building.
I would think distraction and some white lies will do. Also if she just came to this unit, she may also be confused by the change. Give some time. If she is too upset, maybe you can ask the doctor to give her some sedative. Well, the doctors don't like to give sedative so you need to explain to them as the doctors are not caregivers really.
Take care,
Nina
Also, this picking up business is typical. Often my FIL asks when we will pick him up. But we will move him to an assisted living home in the summer. We have distracted my FIL about picking him up - we said later or tell him to go out for walk or comforted him. Usually a distracted talk helps.
He can lie to her and say he will pick her up at lunch and etc.
It is hard. We have done lots of games to calm my FIL. Now he thinks the hospital is out to kill him.
Each person is different. Maybe it will take time. We just ignore the pleas. Your father may need ignore some of her requests.
Nina
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