I was helping husband with his mother-I told him I did not want to anymore - he feels abandoned

You've asked a very difficult question - where to draw the line at caregiving. I think that in my experience, the brunt of caregiving duties -- the dirty work -- often falls on women. Thus, trying to have discussions about who is doing what in a caregiving situation can be fraught with emotion.

I've never had quite the situation you had, but I did have to draw the line when my father moved down here. Like you, I have a career, a household to run, and am working on a doctorate (but I don't have the kids). So when Dad (who is retired)started asking me to take on more related to my mother's care and also started commenting critically about my housekeeping (which had fallen on the priority list when I assumed caregiving duties), I verbally snapped at him. I must say, my response wasn't pretty.

In retrospect, I think I would have done better by sitting down and having a heart-to-heart discussion, laying out what my life was like and how I was barely keeping my head above water. And that's what I would suggest for you. I am sure that your husband is very worried about his mother, and may feel that your decision to remove yourself from the daily caregiving chores is actually a way to remove yourself emotionally as well (and you are probably serving presently as your husband's main emotional support in this tough time). Thus, I'd suggest that you sit down with your husband and first of all share that you'll always be there for him emotionally. Then I would suggest that you talk about how it is critical that your family (i.e. your husband, your kids and you) maintain stability during this stressful time and how, since he is focused on his mother's care, that task often falls on you. Brainstorm alternatives for caring for his mother's basic needs (Meals on Wheels? home health care? a cleaning lady?) and come up with a plan to allows you to have the space to keep everyone in the family afloat.

I would also suggest talking honestly to your doctoral chair about what you are facing. I know that my chair was extremely understanding of my situation and worked with me in slowing -- but not stopping -- my scholarly efforts so that I could handle Mom's caregiving issues. I also kept my chair regularly apprised of Mom's health status so that he knew what I was facing. By having this on-going conversation with your chair, you may be able to better maintain your own balance and that of your family, as you work toward your own academic goals.

Keep us posted!

Dorian

Maybe your guys can hire some caregivers for short-time help? Part-time caregiver. It is not fair to ask just the woman to do all the work. Frankly women are better as caregivers because we are more detailed but it is still his mother. If you have some money or she has some money, you can try to hire a part-time caregiver or a maid to help out. Or try the respite service in the nursing home. I know no one wants to go to a nursing home. So try the hired help. Of course, if you suddenly dropped the whole job, he would feel upset. Find some hired help could help relieve your tension with your husband.

Good luck,

Nina

gwhite85,

Thanks for your response under my other question. My FIL does not have long-term insurance either. He is 87. No one in the old times thought of paying for long-term insurance. Like your Mom, he pays more home care out of his pocket and he is not poor yet for medicaid. It is sad that we have to pay out of our own pocket for these essential services. I am glad your mom-in-law has someone to see her everyday.

Good luck!

Nina

i know how you feel i am takeing care of my soon to be mil and its very hard on me cause i have ms myself its hard cause i do every thing for her from giving her her meds to trying to get her to get her self dress she always put on her stuff upside down are the wrong way my b/f said just try to be nice i told him this is all new to me cause i never had a family member that had this