You've asked a very difficult question - where to draw the line at caregiving. I think that in my experience, the brunt of caregiving duties -- the dirty work -- often falls on women. Thus, trying to have discussions about who is doing what in a caregiving situation can be fraught with emotion.

I've never had quite the situation you had, but I did have to draw the line when my father moved down here. Like you, I have a career, a household to run, and am working on a doctorate (but I don't have the kids). So when Dad (who is retired)started asking me to take on more related to my mother's care and also started commenting critically about my housekeeping (which had fallen on the priority list when I assumed caregiving duties), I verbally snapped at him. I must say, my response wasn't pretty.

In retrospect, I think I would have done better by sitting down and having a heart-to-heart discussion, laying out what my life was like and how I was barely keeping my head above water. And that's what I would suggest for you. I am sure that your husband is very worried about his mother, and may feel that your decision to remove yourself from the daily caregiving chores is actually a way to remove yourself emotionally as well (and you are probably serving presently as your husband's main emotional support in this tough time). Thus, I'd suggest that you sit down with your husband and first of all share that you'll always be there for him emotionally. Then I would suggest that you talk about how it is critical that your family (i.e. your husband, your kids and you) maintain stability during this stressful time and how, since he is focused on his mother's care, that task often falls on you. Brainstorm alternatives for caring for his mother's basic needs (Meals on Wheels? home health care? a cleaning lady?) and come up with a plan to allows you to have the space to keep everyone in the family afloat.

I would also suggest talking honestly to your doctoral chair about what you are facing. I know that my chair was extremely understanding of my situation and worked with me in slowing -- but not stopping -- my scholarly efforts so that I could handle Mom's caregiving issues. I also kept my chair regularly apprised of Mom's health status so that he knew what I was facing. By having this on-going conversation with your chair, you may be able to better maintain your own balance and that of your family, as you work toward your own academic goals.

Keep us posted!

Dorian