How do I respond to my Mom when she asks me direct questions?

Hi Jan,

As hard as it is I would just try and be gentle and honest with each question and then quickly re-direct and talk about something else.....sometimes just changing the subject or getting involved with something else with her helps.

If it doesn't and she wants to keep talking about it then maybe that's what she needs to do.

Another good idea is giving your mom a Journal so she can write in.....what she does daily, what she likes to do, what is her favorite color......maybe drawing a picture.

You are her Guardian Angel and my heart goes out to you as I know this is a very difficult time right now~  Alzheimer's is a terrible family disease and difficult on the caretakers, especially, like you, they are family members. Be sure and take some time out for yourself, alone or with other friends and family and maybe rotate caregiving and "share" the time with other family members so everyone gets a break.  My Prayers are with you Jan!

peko

Very good question.  In dealing with my father, gentle, loving actions and quick distraction is often the best answer. 

In my opinion, you answer "yes, I think I'd be angry too if I thought my husband has forgotten me.  Yes, my father died some time ago, but that reminds me of some of his wonderful personality traits.  He once did... and I loved it when...."  Then, "Mom, do you feel like going on a walk?  Shall we look at your holiday cards?"

My heart goes out to you and all caregivers.  It is a cruel and devastating disease, but having someone like yourself to care is what is important.

this brings back sad memories.the first time i knew my father was really sick was when i drove my parents to the grand canyon. at a gas station he asked my mother, 'who is david's friend, who drove us here?'

i told him, 'that was me, pop'.

when my father would ask about something serious, i would try to get him to remember his youth. for a long time, that worked. if i asked him about his old friend kevin, or his uncle sheber, or some of the interesting things he used to do, and he remembered, i would continue in that direction. sometimes that kept his attention from how sick he was. during the later stages, he didn't remember those things.

he died four days after his 88 birthday, in 2000.

Hi Jan I am so sorry you are having to do this. I am going through the same thing. They actually know the answer before they ask the question I think. They forget the details, and get confused. My husband is asking similiar questions and knows me well enough to know if I try lying so as gently as I can I explain the same thing each day. It's like a train wreck everytime all over again but as a very wise person said try bridging at the same time. Answer the question and then as quickly as posssible start talking about all the wonderful memories and how much he loved her how how he would be there right now if he could. You must remember you are the memory keeper now and as hard as it is to keep reliving such a painful event she needs to be reasssured of his love and when the time is right she will join him, let her know he is not gone forever that they will be together again. I may be wrong but that is what I am doing and it gives my husband comfort knowing my love is strong and no matter what we will be together one day again whole healthy and happy.

Take care dear one you know what is right follow your heart and respond how you would want someone to answer you. Would you rather know your loved one would be there if he could or be or left thinking he has forsaken you. All the best your friend in Texas. Connie

Tell her the trueth.

I don't tell my mom that Dad is dead because it is upsetting to her. Instead I tell her that he is off doing something that he did as a regular thing when he was alive, like golfing, bowling, poker night, etc. That satisfies her and then she forgets about the subject quickly. In this situation, I'm not sure how I would handle it. I know that I would find out her reaction and find a way to not trigger an upset. Telling Mom that Dad is dead is like he died just now all over again.

my mom and I live with my 83 year old grandmother who has alzheimer's....my dad's mother. my dad passed away back in 2000 but me and my mom remained close with my grandma, which is good since we are all she has since my grandpa died in 2006. she is at the stage now where she too is asking about her husband or her parents. if we tell her the truth, she gets very upset and starts crying and yelling and stressing out. so my mom does the same thing as the above poster...tells her that her mom is out with a friend or that her parents are on vacation in south carolina. also, we tell her that her husband is working late when she asks where he is. her disease seems to be progressing very quickly these days and it is very sad....

My 79 year old mother was already in mid stage when her husband and my step-father died.   She still talks about him and sometime asks when he is coming home. 

We always remind her that  God has already called him home and that when she passes away she will see him and be with him.  This usually calms her and comforts her.