Tuesday, July 20, 2010 NC asks

Q: How to make him understand the new home is better?

My father-in-law is going to the assisted living home next week. The problem we have now is he insists that he wants to be where he is or where my own home is. He wants to be with my husband together in our own home. The doctor recommended the assisted living/nursing home when he had this catheter problem in April/May/June. Anyway, my FIL tried to use any method or expressions to make sure we don't send him to another home which he is vaguely aware of. He tried to demand us or repeat what he wanted and etc. until we agreed that we will be together. To see him often does not help because we are not "together". It does not matter if we had not seen him for 3 months in his own home - he is familiar with the home and the caregivers. He does not remember why we were not here. Now he demands something that is not possible. It is too expensive for 24 hours home care and he is too far from my husband.

The new home told us to take it one step at a time. My husband said when he sees the new place and what it is with people and activities, he may like it or get used to it. I would not say he will like it well. No one wants to go to a nursing home. Back in 2004, he mentioned he would go there if he has dementia. Now he is in it so sick that he is afraid of new changes. No changes to the old house repairs and etc.

Is it possible that he will ever get used to the new place? We were told to stay away a little bit after having dinner with him in the new home the first day, but we don't have to disappear for days.

Nina

- A
- A
- A

Answers (3)

Carol Bradley Bursack, Health Guide

7/21/10 6:53am

Yes, Nina, it's very possible he may even like it, eventually. He's afraid of change. Try to act confindent and let him know you are there for him, but that these people can take better care of him. I know it's hard. Keep us posted.

Carol

7/22/10 12:46am

Carol, Thanks for the tips. It sure helps. Please see my reply to Joe below. Today my FIL acted quite intelligent regarding this matter but he got more confused later on about the TV news and etc. Indeed he will be anxious about strangers, so we can comfort him saying he will not be alone and we will get personal caregivers if he needs and that new people can be used to. For sure, he would be anxious about being alone and no familiar connection in the new home. Still this is progress that he thinks he can trust my husband who can defend him. Hope the new home won't make him feel betrayed or something.

-Nina

Joseph

7/21/10 5:30pm

Hi Nina, It's common for persons with dementia to feel insecure about leaving a familiar situation for an unknown one. You should expect some initial problems during this transition. My mother seemed to feel depressed and unable to find things to do. Be sure to contact the activities coordinator and get some things lined up for your FIL to participate in. In the first few weeks, he may be withdrawn and uncooperative. He will gradually accept his new home and will eventually choose to explore it and participate in the programs that they have for the residents. After about 60 days, he'll have a set routine that he is somewhat familiar with and will eventually accept it as normal. During this transition period, he'll need to be visited often to overcome any feelings of abandonment. When he realizes that his family is going to be part of the new environment, he should settle in and things should smooth out.

Here are five things that you can do to improve his transition: (1) Furnish his apartment with familiar items. (2) Arrange furniture in the same pattern or room layout that he is familiar with. (3) Have some framed pictures of the familiar people in his life displayed where he will see them. (4) Have sufficient lamps to add brightness to his rooms. (5) Install a telephone and personal phone book with his personal contacts written inside. If you do these things, he will adapt to the surroundings sooner and not feel as isolated in his new home. Good luck with the relocation. Let us know how it turns out. Best Wishes, -- Joe --

7/22/10 12:36am

Joe,

Thanks for your advice. Today my FIL seemed to be quite alert and he was able to make some compromise on this issue. I think at first he got scared because he thought we left when we went shopping this morning, so he realized that he really likes to go with us. He asked me if he can be with people who are like him. This is really a breakthrough - he finally acknowledged his problem (brain problem or Alzheimers.) and knows that there are certain things that he cannot do and needs help. It is like he seems to remember what we have said so far and tried to make sense out of it. He was happy about the new home where he can meet people like him. However, like you said, the problem with new strangers is his concern and anxiety. He asked if his caregiver can come but she cannot. I assure him that we will be there to watch out for him.

I will try to make his room look familiar but not perfect. I don't know if my FIL is really not in the end stage yet or sometimes he just has the light on!

Thanks,

Nina

Carol Bradley Bursack, Health Guide

7/22/10 6:30am

Hi Nina,

As always, Joe's comments are thoughtful and right on. Since my parents were somewhat limited in space in their rooms, and also to keep things fresh for seasons, I kept a lot of personal possessions at home and changed them with the seasons. But it's important to have as much of their personal property as possible around them. Photos and curios - things from a former job (awards?), whatever you can. Familiar objects help our loved ones remember who they are/were, and can also make them feel at home.

Support all around, letting them know that you are still the caregiver, but they are safer and have more help in this new environment is very important.

Do keep letting us know how it's going.

Blessings,

Carol

Barbara

7/24/10 9:53pm

We are supposed to move my mom this Monday to an assisted living facility. She is insisting she isn't going. We 4 daughtes are so frustrated with her. How do we handle this with her? Just present a united front and tell her she must go for her own safety. She is getting so angry and says she isn't going...I have so many problems in my personal life right now as do my sisters. We are at the end of our rope. Please help!

Carol Bradley Bursack, Health Guide

7/25/10 7:45am

Yes, a united front will help. If there is a third party - non-family member who can help, that would be great. A faith community leader or family friend she trust would take out the family dynamics.

Keep telling her, calmly, that you want her safe and cared for. You aren't ignoring her, you just want the best. This is very common for elders - they don't want change. Once they move into a good assisted living and grumble awhile, they generally make friends and love the company and feeling of security. But it's a hard process.

Good luck and please let us know how it's going.

Carol

Barbara

7/26/10 8:50am

Carol,

She was so scared and vulnerable yesterday when we spoke to her. Was emphatic that she loved her home and couldn't go. We decided to have a nurse come in 2X a day, 3 days a week and get her meals on wheels. Then we will be increasing the nursed to M-F 2X a day and we are installing securty lights around her house. I visit her every other weekend and my ohter sister goes on the alternate weekends. and we hae a sister who lives there in her town that go go through out the week. We will try this and see if it works and if not we will proce4ed with asisted living. For now, we are all comfortable with this decision.

Carol Bradley Bursack, Health Guide

7/26/10 9:06am

Hi Barbara,

Wonderful solution! Often it's step by step. These measures help everyone feel more comfortable. There will be more choices ahead, but this sounds like a great solution for you all, likely for quite some time.

Thanks so much for sharing this, Barbara. Sharing what works in our situation is what helps others know there are choices. You just helped some people today.

Blessings,

Carol

Concerned daughter

7/29/10 9:49pm

I can totally relate to what you are going through. When my Dad had heart surgery and came out with vascular dementia we tried to care for him at home. But he had been my mother's caregiver so she really couldn't handle him either. After a month he went to a care facilty within 2 miles of mom's house so she could visit. It was just too hard on her after 66 years of having him home, to see him there. She passed away a few months later. BUT we insisted on an alert system while she was home and that gave her great confidence. She had fallen in the shower when my dad was home but he was outside (pre-surgery) and he didn't hear her. She was there long enough that the hot water turned cold and she was very freighened she would die there. So when Dad was gone, I stayed with her for a couple of months during the week and continued working. I went home on weekends and my sister checked in on her on the weekends. She told us later that she was so happy we had insisted on that call alert button because we even had her try it when she was in the bathroom and they answered immediately. It enabled her to stay in her home until she died of a heart attack in the hospital. My Dad had to be moved to a different facilty a year after her death due to some really bad care he was getting. That was really hard to do, but they just got too crowded and did some very scary things (like leaving prescriptions in the room with him (full blown dementia, not a good thing). I was torments for months about the move. I took him there and within a few minutes he was totally engaged with the new people and the director indicated I could leave. I told him I had to leave (expecting the worst) and he was fine with that. I was shocked. I reminded me of my mom telling me that I told her in first grade, day one, she didn't need to walk in with me, I could do it on my own. I guess I got my independence from him. However. He has wanted to "go home" since then, but we work around it, just like all the posts say here and move on. Sorry this got so long but I had alot to share.

Carol Bradley Bursack, Health Guide

7/30/10 9:30am

Not too long at all - a wonderful response with lots of information. I used the alert systems with five elders at different times. They really are a wonderful help.

Carol

Q: How to make him understand the new home is better?

Related Questions

Ask a Question