Nina,
It’s not always possible to understand why a person with dementia says the things he does, but it’s more important to know how to best respond to it. It’s understandable that your father-in-law misses his late wife, and although you can’t resurrect her, you can certainly bring her memory back to life over and over again. When he starts asking such questions, you can simply use that as an opportunity to recall his favorite moments with her. Here is an example of a conversation you can have with him:
FIL: I miss my wife! Can we resurrect her?
Nina: I can see how much you love her, and she loves you so much as well. You are such a dedicated and caring husband.
FIL: Yes, she means so much to me. I want her back!
Nina: I can understand how much you would want to be with the person you love. Tell me, what do you like doing most with your wife?
FIL: Well, we have always enjoyed going on road trips and watching the leaves change color.
Nina: Yes, those leaves are so beautiful. In fact, I think the tree outside is blossoming this time of year. Let’s go to the window and you can tell me about some of those great road trips.
By using his own recollections, you can revive the memory of his wife and allow him to enjoy those experiences again. On a separate note, pay close attention to the response that his wife’s urn elicits. Despite the fact that he wanted to keep her urn in the living room, if you find that it causes pain and sadness for him, it may be worth reconsidering. Also, it is always a good idea to consult with a healthcare professional to rule out any other possible conditions he may have.
My father-in-law gets quite upset with the photos. Unlike one or two years ago, he is afraid to be reminded by photos. So we only showed a few on the table nearby. Distraction works and I am not sure reminding him about his wife helps. The point is he wants to have a mate to go to bed with because he is lonely. He does not care about the past or the future. He wants to solve his loneliness right now. So I hope he will believe in Jesus to feel at peace. But he is catholic who does not have strong faith.
About the urn, it is quite invisible unless he really looks at it by pulling over the sofa and etc. It is quite heavy also. He told the caregivers last year that he wants to keep the urn to go with him wherever he goes. As long as it is invisible, it is ok. Maybe we will try not to remind him about the urn when he asks about her. He asked about her not because of the urn, but because he is lonely.
Thanks for help,
Nina