I care for my late husbands grandmother who is in late stage alzhiemers, in her home with her husband (grandpa). I have been a CNA for over 20 years and have care for many patients with dementia and I truly enjoy caring for them and especially her. The problem I am having and hoping someone can give me some advice is: My grandpa has moved someone in the home that is around my age, she has a record as long as my arm and is also a very heavy drinker, my aunt-in-law told him that if she is living there she would not bring the kids to visit him when they were visiting (they live out of state) he still chose to keep her in the house. I go there in the morning get grandma up give her a.m meds and feed her breakfast and get her ready for the day. When I leave she is put in a recliner to watch tv and that is where she is for the rest of the day until I come back at night to put her to bed. I cannot stay all day for I have other obligations on a daily basis. This woman is there most of the time drinking alcohol and she cooks for both of them, making things that I have asked her not to make (high sodium foods) she has grandpa going to the store almost daily and I know hes basically supporting her completely. I have made notes and marked things like grandmas brief to see if she gets changed thru the day and she doesnt left juice or water beside her and its still there at bedtime. Being that I am not immediate family i cannot say anything and the immediate family WONT do anything I am at a loss for what I need to do. Can someone give me some advice please?
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Hi Sabrina,
You are right to be concerned. Nina's answer - including the thoughtful questions - is right on. I would echo her sentiments. Sometimes there's not a lot we can do unless there is outright abuse. If Grandpa is cognitively sound, you'll likely have even less influence. Do try to talk nicely with him without sounding negative about the woman. That will be a challenge, but if you only find fault, he'll likely tune you out. Chances are good he's not able to care for his wife alone and he welcomes more help than you can give. Grandma likely should be in a care facility. Keep an eye on things and if the situation is too bad, ask Social Services to do a surprise welfare check on them. They may move your grandma out of the home.
It's wonderful of you to care so much and I'm sure this is painful for you to watch. Keep an eye out the best you can, help in ways you can, and if there's a substantial reason to suspect abuse, call in Social Services.
Blessings,
Carol
Is the grandpa the one with POA or has the authority to care for his wife? Did he tell you that the aunt-in-law was coming? It is his own family and kid so maybe he does have the right to keep her. Is the aunt alcoholic? How bad is she? If she is stable and can cook, you simply have to wait for things to happen and call the police or authority like social worker. However, you cannot rule over grandpa unless he is sick with dementia too. Usually the one with responsibility will call the shot. Would the aunt get POA? Is it possible that grandpa really trusts her a lot? Is your role a volunteer instead of paid caregiver in the house? Do they consider you as "family"? or family "ex-relative"? Maybe grandpa does not want to bother you and he does need extra help while you are gone.
Maybe you can first suggest someone who can help cooking and replace the aunt so grandpa can hire a new person instead of keeping the aunt. It is hard to say - it depends on how good or bad the aunt really is. If she is really very bad in caregiving and does not care for her parents for real, then something has to be done. But you may want to talk to grandpa first about what grandma needs.
Take care,
NC
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