- Think ahead.
What result do you hope to achieve at the end of this discussion.
Be realistic in determining your goal. It may not be possible to obtain all you would like in one conversation. Think of this as an on-going one. You don’t have to have an answer the very first time that you broach this topic. Forcing a quick resolution can lead to later problems. When your parent agrees to something in haste, he may change his mind later. That puts you back at the beginning only this time you are likely to be angry because from your vantage point the issue had been settled.
- Don’t talk down to your elderly relative
It is important, even when you are making plans to take over some or all of your parents’ decision-making, that you respect their autonomy. Allow them to participate in the decision-making
Certainly, don’t use “elderspeak” (patronizing language used by the young toward the old, such as ‘sweetie’ and ‘dear’.) A Yale study found that those elderly who are treated as if they are children on average have an eight year decrease in their life span.
- Use “I” statements
Whenever you must talk to anyone (not only the elderly) about difficult topics speak in terms of your own feelings or your own point of view.
Ex: “The way I see the situation is that you’ve been having difficulty taking care of all your needs on your own. “ rather than “You’re having difficulty taking care of all your needs on your own so you need to go to an assisted living situation”
When you use ‘you’ instead of ‘I’ it sounds as if you are making an accusation. When people feel attacked they’re likely to defend themselves and when they do this you have an argument not a discussion.
Along with you sharing your view from an “I” perspective encourage your relative to do the same.
- Allow time for grieving and reminiscing
In general people in middle age, often the caregivers, are in the middle of solidifying their careers. They are on the move.
In our high speed world they often seem to have a little motor inside of them, prodding them to “go, go, go.” This has to do with their particular stage of development. Erik Erikson, the renowned developmental psychologist, called this midlife stage: Generativity versus Stagnation.
